I tried my very best

[faeful]

I always do try to contain such negative feelings within. I wasn't even in the site for awhile. I tried to do what I loved again and for some time, I actually felt a little alive. But like always, there has to be a price for that quick happiness.

Now I'm back to square one again. Thinking about disappearing and feeling emptier by the day. It never ends.

Professional help is still out of reach and I still think I'm the most replaceable person in my family.

Sometimes I can cope up with a pain, get through the day with a painful smile. But sometimes I just shut down all of a sudden. A small comment, a small mishap.. that's all it takes for me to mentally shutdown and become hollow. It's so frustrating.

 

[dtc]

These sort of things unfortunatly are always a bit of an up and down thing. You got back to your up for a while, know you'll get back there again. How you feel about youself when you're feeling this way if a long way from the truth. Your thoughts are tainted by what you're struggling with, keep letting it out here and you will get through it. People are here for you because you're worth being here for. Take care

 

[faeful]

@dtc

Thank you for your kind words. It just feels so tiring to try sometimes because it takes awhile to get back up. It's just really frustrating how going down is so quick... like a snap. But then it feels like you're climbing a mountain of thorns to get back up again...

 

[dtc]

Yes it is heartbreaking how quickly it can change, and even more so how small the thing sometimes is that triggers it. It is a long climb, but over time it will go from being long thorn covered climb, to just a long climb, then not so long a climb, trouble is it does take time. All I can say is whichever version it is, it's always easier with people by your side, and being part of this little community means you'll always have people by your side.

 

[1964dodge]

first you said a therapist is out of the question if it's financial it's possible that you may get free services in your area or see a therapist that works on a sliding scale second depression works that way you have to fight your mind for control maybe you can write a list of all the things you enjoy hobby movies book etc. whatever you choose should distract you from bad thoughts if not do something else on the list and you can come here we care and don't judge please take care of yourself we care

 

[MarvelFan]

I always do try to contain such negative feelings within. I wasn't even in the site for awhile. I tried to do what I loved again and for some time, I actually felt a little alive. But like always, there has to be a price for that quick happiness.

Now I'm back to square one again. Thinking about disappearing and feeling emptier by the day. It never ends.

Professional help is still out of reach and I still think I'm the most replaceable person in my family.

Sometimes I can cope up with a pain, get through the day with a painful smile. But sometimes I just shut down all of a sudden. A small comment, a small mishap.. that's all it takes for me to mentally shutdown and become hollow. It's so frustrating.

Do you have problems with anxiety or have been to a therapist because as you said "there is a price for quick happiness" that is something that sounds deep seeded in your mental memory and should not be a part of you. It can become a part of you because of trauma also the feeling that you don't deserve things.

You said your the "most replaceable person in my family" even though it can seem true in your own mind that is not true. Every single life is important and No one's life is more important than the next. That is a lie your mind is telling you.

When you have contention in your life or when there becomes a mistake it can haunt the memory that is because of how humans are made we dwell on the past. Its ok to shutdown that is the mind and body's natural reaction to extreme stress, but just remember this we live in a world where we compare ourselves to others so often and it is so wrong because that is not how we should live our lives.

I hope you take care of yourself and hope to hear more how your doing.

 

[faeful]

to everyone who replied to my post, thank you for being supportive. i'm sorry i'm not able to reply to such encouraging words...i just can't at the moment. i have been gone for months, thinking AGAIN that i'll be able to go through this with some support from my friend but it just keeps happening. one minute i'm fine and then next, i just want to walk out of everyone's life and disappear. the quick switch is so unnerving. i feel horrible about everything and nothing at the same time. i hate being a downer to my friend and i hate that i can't control this. i feel so awful even though my life has been okay. i should be grateful of all the wonderful things that i have but....even though i have these wonderful things. i still want to disappear.

i posted again so that i could thank everyone who cared enough to reply. you deserve so much more but all i can give is thanks.

 

[Petal]

Thinking of you at this dark time in your life. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are, please know you are not alone and support is at hand here you matter.

 

[faeful]

Thinking of you at this dark time in your life. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are, please know you are not alone and support is at hand here you matter.

i appreciate it, really. thank you.

 

[dtc]

Knowing we've helped in some small way is thanks enough, you don't owe us anything more. I meant it when I said people are here for you because you're worth being here for, hang in there, with help you will get this under control, just take it one moment at a time. Take care