I 've broken most of my relationships

[jckl.nthbutu1104]

I understand that there's no way to go back to the past. But I am deeply ashamed of my foolish behaviors when my depression ruined my mind.
At the end of my last few school year, I've lost my control and treated others in a very arrogant and not nice way. When I pretended to be so selfish that I didn't care about everyone, others believed and started to isolate me. I am really sorry for what I've done especially for I 've been letting my best friends down. Also, my grandparents who took care of me for long time have passed away and I am feeling so guilty that I didn't treasure them well while I JUST behaved very impolite.

Now,I am graduated from my college but I don't see if it is possible to amend my relationships with them. I am so lonely that all my friends left me. At the meanwhile, I am even not close with my family and no girl is willing to hang out with me.
EVERYDAY, I am awakened by the feelings of guilt and loneliness. Whenever the bad memories popped up to my mind, I will be extremely down and don't have motivation to do anything.
Although I am now just 18, i feel like myself so worthless that I want to end my life and sleep forever. The pain along with me is very insurmountable and hurtful and all I can see is a world full of darkness

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're feeling this way

I understand that there's no way to go back to the past

Yes, but if there is something in particular that you think you did wrong, you can apologize for doing that, like maybe write a letter.

That won't necessarily fix your old friendships, but at least you can end them on better terms.

It also sounds like you are being to hard on yourself.

 

[Yujin]

Hi there,

Sorry you’re going through this.

As you say, you can’t change the past. But at 18 there’s so much good you could do in the future, and so many possibilities for good things to happen to you, too.

You say you’re ashamed of your actions in the past. But the answer isn’t feeling constant guilt. Also, I’m sure you realize that people who really aren’t “nice” wouldn’t feel ashamed, they wouldn’t care. The key thing is, are you willing to learn from your mistakes and try to be a better person now and in the future? You don’t have to be perfectly good, but could you try and be just a little bit better as a person/in your behavior than you were before? Better this year than last year? That would be an amazing goal for an 18 year old.

As for no girls hanging with you, I know it’s hard to believe, but that’s pretty common with heaps of guys your age. I know it was like that for me at 18. It really sucks being lonely, but it won’t be like this forever. You’ll have girls to hang with. It’s just hard learning to feel confident and happy about yourself.

I know it feels as if the pain is insurmountable and all you see ahead is darkness. But the reality is that at 18 everything can change. Hopefully for can change a perspective and see this as a difficult period in which you try and improve yourself (while also learning to forgive yourself and like yourself).