I want to be dead

[ToBeAtPeace]

I've never said this before, "I want to be dead". Usually, I'll have suicidal thoughts and feelings, and know that they scare me and know that I'm too cowardly to take my own life.

I've come to terms with death now though, and with killing myself. I can't live through this emotional pain any more. I want to be dead. I could do it easily. I have a method planned out. Not violent. Just peaceful. I want to sleep and not wake up. Despite my severe anxiety, my medication is powerful enough to help me sleep at night and I usually sleep well. Then I wake up, and I'm in pain again.

I can't keep facing this pain. Day in day out. I've had so many false hopes where I feel like I've recovered, then I fall of a cliff again. This cycle happens every 10 days pretty much. 10 good days, 10 horrendously painful days where I can't see a way out. I've been in this for about a year now. Every time a bad cycle starts, it feels worse than the previous one, and I contemplate dying from my illness even more.

I'm not at immediate risk though. At least I think I'm not. I've got children. And I love them. The love I have for them is indescribable and powerful. This love stops me from killing myself. I do not want to be responsible for causing my children such emotional harm. When I'm with them, they see a normal dad. I never let them see the pain inside. My love for them traps me though. I can see the way out, but I just can't follow it.

I have a psychiatrist, and a therapist, and a GP. They know all this. They have me on a ton of medication too. I just came off the phone with the psychiatrist, and she wants to up one of the medications. So I said yes, ok. I don't think it will help though.

 

[Brian777]

Hey Tobeatpeace, I'm sorry you're going through this, I know depression and anxiety and it's a difficult path. I'm glad you're at least getting some good days, but it's hard to get through the bad ones, especially having to hide your pain from the kids. I hope some day there's a cure, so many suffer from it these days. At least on this site you know we understand and you're not alone in your struggle. Hope it passes soon
Brian

 

[ToBeAtPeace]

Thx Brian. I never thought I'd be so sure that the best thing for me is to not be here.

I loved life. I really, really did. I enjoyed time with friends and family, and had some fantastic indulgent times. I enjoyed work. I would dream about work, and find so much comfort from that. My friends are going away for 2 days next week and they want me to come. They've even paid for me, but I can't do it. It will cause me more pain. They're going to see one of my favourite comedians. Plus it's near to my wife's birthday, and I need to somehow summon the courage to take her for lunch. I can't do both. Another thing that's happening is that the care home my dad is in, is giving him end of life care. They think he's going to pass anytime soon. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe he has another few days. With my emotions and feelings being shot to pieces, I don't know what to feel.

 

[Brian777]

You've got a lot of difficult things going on and this is effecting how you feel. I too used to enjoy life, even with depression and anxiety it was handled by medication. I went through losing my Mom last year and after that everything seemed to crash. I always felt embarrassment at turning down invitations with friends, anxiety and depression are hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, so I know a little of what you feel. Does your wife know what you're dealing with mentally, I know I tried to hide it for years. The only thing I try and do these days is live one day at a time, I can't think about the past or worry about the future.
I really hope you get some relief from this and back to the good life you had. Please take care of yourself and don't blame yourself for how you feel. Getting these feelings out on this forum seems to help.

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Do you mostly want someone to listen and understand what you are going through, or would you like practical suggestions?

 

[ToBeAtPeace]

Does your wife know what you're dealing with mentally, I know I tried to hide it for years. The only thing I try and do these days is live one day at a time, I can't think about the past or worry about the future.
I really hope you get some relief from this and back to the good life you had. Please take care of yourself and don't blame yourself for how you feel. Getting these feelings out on this forum seems to help.

My whole family knows I'm going through hell right now, including my wife, mum and brother - not my boys though. I think the family are a bit fed up with it. I only tell them how I am if they ask now. Sometimes I contact them to ask them how they are. I love them, and want to know. With my cycling, sometimes I'm fine, other times I'm in complete hell. My close friends have all moved away to other countries. Either that, or they're very busy with their own lives. There is one friend who is very thoughtful. His wife suffered standard depression and anxiety, and he can sum up what I'm going through very articulately. Again, he has his own life to lead. He's the one who bought me tickets for the comedian next week.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Do you mostly want someone to listen and understand what you are going through, or would you like practical suggestions?

Clearly, a question from someone who has been through what I'm going through. What hurts is when people make suggestions and then they think their work is done. Or get frustrated when I don't do what they suggest. Even when their suggestion is completely inappropriate. That said, I'm happy for suggestions. I just don't want to be held to ransom over them. Suggestions from people who have been through similar to what I'm going through like you guys can be very helpful. With respect to my friends and family, I just want them to listen, try and understand, try ad give me comfort somehow. And I appreciate it when people do that on this site too.

 

[Brian777]

I do t think they're sick of it, probably more that they don't understand it. Unless someone has been through it or close to it like your one friend, it's difficult for anyone to know the despair one can reach. I'm glad you're still cycling, physical exercise does help release endorphins. Posting on this forum makes one feel less alone in their pain.
Brian

 

[ToBeAtPeace]

I'm glad you're still cycling, physical exercise does help release endorphins.
Brian

Sorry Brian. I misled you about the cycling. I meant mood cycling. My mood cycles every week to 10 days. Ok for 5-10 days. Horrendous for 5-10 days. Right now it feels like I'm coming to the end of one of the worst bouts. I've never been so bad that I've said, "I want to be dead." I've had suicidal thoughts and feelings, but I've always thought I want to get better. When my mood cycles downwards, my reaction to it seems to get more extreme each time.

Btw, I do exercise. I usually walk 3 to 4 miles each week day. Sometimes fast (15 mins a mile), sometimes at a slower pace (18-20 mins a mile). I've put my gym membership on hold as I can't face going there. I have been very fit in the past 10 years though.

I do t think they're sick of it, probably more that they don't understand it. Unless someone has been through it or close to it like your one friend, it's difficult for anyone to know the despair one can reach.
Brian

Yes, I think you're right. Either way I don't get the support. This is why I tend not to reach out to them.

 

[Brian777]

Sorry for the misunderstanding, I understand that the low points getting lower are a concern. It would probably be a good idea to tell your therapist what this is happening, I don't know how they'll help but maybe letting someone know irl will be a start. It's a difficult position to be in with a family and I understand not wanting to burden them. I wish I knew how to help and you seem to have followed all that mainstream medicine has to offer.

 

[ToBeAtPeace]

Sorry for the misunderstanding, I understand that the low points getting lower are a concern. It would probably be a good idea to tell your therapist what this is happening, I don't know how they'll help but maybe letting someone know irl will be a start. It's a difficult position to be in with a family and I understand not wanting to burden them. I wish I knew how to help and you seem to have followed all that mainstream medicine has to offer.

Thx Brian. They know. I don't hide anything from them. I spoke to my therapist the day before I wrote this post and told her "I want to be dead". She got together with my psychiatrist, who in turn contacted my wife, who in turn removed the method I was going to use from our home. I've improved the past 2 days. I still feel crap, but not suicidal right now. I made an adjustment to my med timings and increased the dose of one of them and this may have helped make the change.

It's hard for people to help because they all wish they could do, but I've proved treatment resistant so far. We'll see how it goes. I'm not expecting to go downhill again. I try to stay positive that the good times will last. I can deal with a bad day. I just can't deal with days where I have close to no control. In the meantime, just staying engaged with me Brian is a big help. If you can't suggest just support.

 

[Brian777]

I'm so glad to hear that there is some improvement. It sounds like you have a really good and understanding support system, this is what will get you through these "bad" times. Just think of the love your wife and children have for you, I think love is probably the most healing medicine there is. Please feel free to pm me anytime if you want to talk, I'm usually on here a couple of times a day. Take care my friend
Brian

 

[Wiltingone]

Tobeatpeace I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I understand. I can take emotional pain and I can take physical pain, but not both at the same time. No advice, just empathy as I am there as well. Many days the part of me that wants to be at peace seems to be winning the battle.

 

[NaomiEtc]

Hey, just wanted to provide some empathy on some of the things you said. I used to be absolutely terrified of dying, but now, like you, I honestly want it. It's like that connection, holding on to life, gets worn out, isn't it? All the pain for so long just erodes that desire to not die, to see what will happen next, to keep you as a person in existence. I don't believe that is permanent though. I'm only hanging on for my parents, like how you're only hanging on for your kids, to not cause them such grief, but I still feel there's hope. I guess I don't actually feel any hope for myself, but I have to consider that I'm too involved with my painful world to be objective. I truly have hope for you. It feels hopeless, but how can one say that that feeling is a true sign of what is to come? I know how real it feels, and I don't expect you to feel differently based on what I say, I know it's an unmovable wall. But from the outside, one can look at this experienced hopelessness and see that it may be just the creation of a terrible storm of suffering that blacks out much of one's vision. There can be a huge possibility of better things to come, just veiled for now by your mental state. My suggestion here is that you consider, even if your feelings completely oppose it, that there is hope. Let your analytical mind step in and say that there is a possibility of things changing for the better, despite what your world of emotion is telling you. I'm so glad that you have people in your life you love so much, I'm glad that they are holding you here. You can get through this, for yourself and for them. Keep an outside voice, a voice not caught up in the emotions, in your mind, follow that voice and keep yourself safe if there is a chance of you acting on your wishes.

I also don't have much understanding support from the people in my life. I know how much that sucks, it's why I came here. I'm so glad you've reached out and come on here too. It's okay to hold on to people, whether here or in your life. The people in your life really would so much prefer to do what they can than to see you dead. They just don't know how to help right now.

Stay strong, you can do this. Keep trying new things, whether medications or therapy or activities. One day things will be different, better, and it will be so worth it. I apologize if I've misunderstood anything or made incorrect assumptions. Stay safe.
-Naomi

Edit: just saw your last post, so happy things are improving!

 

[Innocent Forever]

Thinking of you....
Hope things continue to go upwards, and that the spirals stop their descent...

 

[ToBeAtPeace]

Hey, just wanted to provide some empathy on some of the things you said. I used to be absolutely terrified of dying, but now, like you, I honestly want it. It's like that connection, holding on to life, gets worn out, isn't it? All the pain for so long just erodes that desire to not die, to see what will happen next, to keep you as a person in existence. I don't believe that is permanent though. I'm only hanging on for my parents, like how you're only hanging on for your kids, to not cause them such grief, but I still feel there's hope. I guess I don't actually feel any hope for myself, but I have to consider that I'm too involved with my painful world to be objective. I truly have hope for you. It feels hopeless, but how can one say that that feeling is a true sign of what is to come? I know how real it feels, and I don't expect you to feel differently based on what I say, I know it's an unmovable wall. But from the outside, one can look at this experienced hopelessness and see that it may be just the creation of a terrible storm of suffering that blacks out much of one's vision. There can be a huge possibility of better things to come, just veiled for now by your mental state. My suggestion here is that you consider, even if your feelings completely oppose it, that there is hope. Let your analytical mind step in and say that there is a possibility of things changing for the better, despite what your world of emotion is telling you. I'm so glad that you have people in your life you love so much, I'm glad that they are holding you here. You can get through this, for yourself and for them. Keep an outside voice, a voice not caught up in the emotions, in your mind, follow that voice and keep yourself safe if there is a chance of you acting on your wishes.

I also don't have much understanding support from the people in my life. I know how much that sucks, it's why I came here. I'm so glad you've reached out and come on here too. It's okay to hold on to people, whether here or in your life. The people in your life really would so much prefer to do what they can than to see you dead. They just don't know how to help right now.

Stay strong, you can do this. Keep trying new things, whether medications or therapy or activities. One day things will be different, better, and it will be so worth it. I apologize if I've misunderstood anything or made incorrect assumptions. Stay safe.
-Naomi

Edit: just saw your last post, so happy things are improving!

Very well put Naomi. The strength of emotion I feel for my boys gets me through the darkest of darkest days. When I see them after school, it's a short while before the darkness is melted by their innocence, their inquisitive nature. I am fortunate to have some good days. But when the dark days start up again, it is horrendous as you know. The feeling that the pain will never end.

You must listen to your own advice and the way you have provided support to me. People care. I care. Your parents certainly care. Look after yourself, and remember that when you feel at your weakest, you're actually being the strongest you can be. It takes guts to carry on and you're doing that.

 

[NaomiEtc]

I love to hear of darkness being melted. Good days are so vital yet so difficult to remember on the worst days.

Look after yourself, and remember that when you feel at your weakest, you're actually being the strongest you can be. It takes guts to carry on and you're doing that.

A very profound statement. I will try to listen to my and your advice, the difficulty being the blurriness of my reality.

 

[may71]

This cycle happens every 10 days pretty much. 10 good days, 10 horrendously painful days where I can't see a way out.

That's a pretty rapid cycle. Do you have a formal diagnosis?

I'd recommend looking into acupuncture. There are some conditions that conventional medicine can treat pretty well with few side effects, but for everything else, imho, Traditional Chinese Medicine may be either a better option or a helpful complement. Chinese herbs might be good for you too, but it gets complicated when you are also taking conventional meds.

I'm by no means saying that acupuncture is guaranteed to cure you. It's my perspective though that when conventional medicine has little to offer, or doesn't offer enough, it's a good idea to consider other treatment options. I poo-pooed the idea of getting Traditional Chinese Medicine for a long time, on the grounds that "it doesn't work!", but a friend finally convinced me to try it. It worked well for me, and I've been keen on trying to share it with others since then.

There's some more information in the links in my signature, if you are interested. More than anything though, I hope that things can somehow get better.