I wish I could just be numb

[Soda-Voxel]

I'm so tired of feeling things.

Constantly never meeting my own expectations, always failing, feeling sad for either no reason or over something obscure that doesn't matter, always being envious and jealous of everyone and everything, ruining everything for everyone...hell, even feeling happy can be overwhelming or upsetting sometimes.

A lot of the time I consider just bottling up my emotions forever. Stopping all external reaction to anything, be it smiling, taking any enjoyment from anything, stopping all my hobbies...even stimming. I just can't do this anymore. I'd rather be a lifeless husk than have to constantly suffer the pain of having to remember I'm me every day. I'm so so tired. Every day it just gets worse, no matter how much I think it can't possibly get worse.

I'm crying again. I'm in so much emotional pain. Every single tiny thing I do wrong or can't understand causes me immense torment, even if it doesn't matter. I hate myself so much, why do I have to live this way?

 

[JDot]

Please don't think the things you feel sad about don't matter. If they are causing you pain, they matter. It's understandable to want the pain to be over. When the pain gets too much, please talk to someone whether it's a hotline, a good friend, or someone here. Remember it's okay to make mistakes over and over and not understand things. It's part of what makes us human. And it's okay to be who you are. And you can begin to love yourself if you treat yourself the way you would a friend. I'm sure you wouldn't hate a friend for their mistakes and pain. And always remember we're here for you.

 

[A_J_R]

I suffer from feeling things too deeply myself. Everything feels magnified and for me, it makes me overthink and question everything. Then I run the gambit of emotions wondering if I did something wrong. It's exhausting. And I understand wanting to turn off.

A friend of mine once told me that "emotion is not truth," and while I don't agree with that 100% I do think sometimes we, as humans, let our emotions cloud things and we often misinterpret the situation, even as we are experiencing it. It's complicated, and I wish I could just be more objective.

I agree with JDot, it's OK to not understand things or to make a mistake, and it's good to reach out. Glad you are here.