self hatred

I'm so tired of feeling things. Constantly never meeting my own expectations, always failing, feeling sad for either no reason or over something obscure that doesn't matter, always being envious and jealous of everyone and everything, ruining everything for everyone...hell, even feeling happy...

Now before I begin as a side note I do not hate other autistic people. They are all valid. This is simply internalised ableism I suppose, self hatred directed towards myself only. I hate being autistic. I hate it so, so much. Understanding nothing. Not getting jokes. Constantly being weird...

There's not any aspect I like about myself. Even if I have a good moment where I like something I do for a few hours, it never lasts. I always come back to realising what a failure I am. I can't draw or write well, my ideas are awful, I'm ugly and stupid, I don't have any talents or redeeming...

No matter how many people compliment me or my work, or tell me I matter or have skill in something. I'll never believe it. I'll never be good enough for myself. I can't draw well or write well. The characters I make and the ideas I have are all awful, all I do is just copy ideas from other...