I'm so scared right now..

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I'm not sure what there is I can do anymore. Everything seems like an uphill battle, and every time something good happens, something equally as bad happens. One thing I am good at is not skipping any details, so this might be lengthy, but I need to get this out of my system.
I'm 21 years old. I'm more of a person in the background of things rather than a partaker. I try to smile and make jokes when I can, but with those jokes come 2 hours of prep time and social anxiety, even around those who enjoy my company. All of my girlfriends have been online, so, I technically haven't had a girlfriend in real life. Even if you do count them as real relationships, I didn't get any physical attention. I never hugged, cuddle, held hands, or even had sex. I'm not even motivated to have sex at this point, I just want someone to wake up in the morning with. Relationships aren't exactly my priority in life right now, I just feel lonely when I remember that its been 3 years since my last online one.
I've been bouncing around from job to job lately. Got fired from my full time job because of an accident I caused, went on unemployment for a month, worked out of a grocery store for 2 months, left for another grocery store for a month, then left them to move in with a friend who I used to ..and still kinda do.. have feelings for. I'm just waiting to hear back from McDonald's right now. She's been my closest friend lately, but she also doesn't know the problems I've been facing under my skin. And she's... active. Invites coworkers to spend the night. Also has no problem whispering to me who she's had sex with when they are 10 feet away. I've told her how I felt back in Nov., and she said its never gonna happen.
She's been kind to me with her hospitality and friendliness, willing to take me try new things and experience other things that happen on this Earth. And I've been considering lately about telling her my big secret. That I was molested when I was 8 years old, by my older brother. I don't remember much of the incident, but I do know it made for a trying time in the family. The last person I told this to.. was 5 years ago, and she left me when I needed her the most, and it made me feel so uncomfortably vulnerable for months. I could hardly sleep or eat knowing my secret was out there and I couldn't control who learned it (thank god for anonymity on here).
I guess I'm worried that my life is going to continue in a downward spiral, that no one will hold me close and every night I spend will be alone, that I can't fix an economical hole I've dug myself into (not something I'd rather get into, this story's long enough as it is), and I don't want to feel as vulnerable as I did back then.
But most importantly, I'm scared that I will take these conflicting thoughts and problems and try to silence them all at once.


SF climber
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
I'm sorry that you lost your job. I hope that you can get a new one soon. The fact that you aren't in a relationship doesn't have to be a big deal, what about friendships.

Have you considered telling a doctor or counsellor that you were molested?
I can understand your fears after a life filled with disappointment after disappointment. There are greater chapters to your life that must be written. All is not lost. Be good to yourself and seek out the wholeness that you deserve. Please do tell a licensed professional or clergy about being molested as a child and work towards the healing of your heart. Please don't drown in worry instead, believe and build towards a brighter future. Work hard at what you set you mind, heart, and hands to. There are great rewards that accompany hard work. Treat yourself to some fun and laughter, it's good for your heart. Surround yourself with people that care and are heading in a healthy direction. Take care and best regards moving forward in every area of your life.
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