I've lost everything, but my horse

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by CandleLight, Mar 17, 2016.

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  1. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    I am here because I want to stay alive. I have had an incredibly difficult year, and it would probably make a lot of sense to many people in my situation, to just give up.

    Last April I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend. He was scary and controlling but I didn't really see it then. We ended up breaking up, and I was told by an attorney to go to a domestic violence women's shelter.

    I lost several pets, and animals are just about the most important thing in my life. I felt forced to quit my job teaching Special Education. And on May 9th, I attempted suicide.

    I was helped in time. My body is OK. And most days, I am glad the doctors saved me. But my brain, my vulnerable emotional heart, struggles daily.

    I am now homeless. I am writing this right now while cat-sitting for friends. They are good people and I am lucky to have them. But I have to leave tomorrow to go into this scary homeless shelter.

    But still! Still I have good things I care about: my lovely horse, my devoted dog, my affectionate cat. My horse and cat are fine, they are boarding. My dog goes everywhere with me and the other night, when I felt so dark and hopeless and then even "happy" since I thought I would end my suffering by dying, I knew I couldn't do that to my dog. And the next day, things did get a tiny bit better.

    I read once that suicidal people want relief from pain, but because pain is a feeling, and you have to be alive to feel it, suicide won't ease your suffering and give you any relief at all.

    So I am grateful I made it past my suicide attempt last May, and that I did not damage my body (well, mostly didn't).

    These are some things I want to live for, to fight for: my horse, my dog, my cat, sports (swimming, horseback riding, jogging- when I feel well enough to be active again), drawing, writing, yummy cups of coffee at all the cafes here in San Francisco, group therapy, and some caring friends.

    I just want to be OK. My life is so bad, so scary right now. Imagine having no home. :(

    Thanks for listening.
  2. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    I understand how difficult it is for you to deal with being homeless, losing your job and breaking up with your boyfriend. But you have very healthy and constructive hobbies, caring friends and passion for animals. Please be strong, you will make things all right again. Give yourself sometime, you will find a new job, and that will be the starting point. Little by little things will get better. Till then, get help from your loves and passions to fight the battle. You deserve to be happy for your own sake, for your pets sake, and for your friends sake, they all want to see your beautiful laugh and smile.:) Big hugs for you.
    CandleLight likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation and all that happened to you.

    I'm happy though, that you survived in May. Keep living. I know right now life seems bad, but it can get better.
    Can you stay with any of your friends? even if it's crashing on a couch?
    If not reach out for any help, is there people at the shelter who can help? What about churches? Charities? Don't give up on yourself. It may take some work but you can get all of it back.

    *hugs*. Take care of yourself hun. You're important!
    CandleLight likes this.
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello CandleLight, I'm sad to hear of your situation it must be overwhelming. I'm so glad you have your 4 legged friends, they make life worth living. These are the ones who know what unconditional love is all about, they're always honest, they never let you down or hurt you, I love all animals. My faithful dog friend has gotten me through the darkest nights and the worst of days, she stays by my side no matter what, she's always there. She doesn't have to say anything, I feel her love talk to my heart ❤️ Stay close to your friends they'll bring you through this, lean on us here we'll support and help how we can. Bless you my friend, I know you will get through this.
    CandleLight likes this.
  5. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    Glad you found SF, and I hope things get better soon. If you need hugs jost let me know *arms
  6. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    Just dropped by to say thank you for being strong. You are also aware of it and give some well-deserved credit to yourself.
    But I just wanted you to know that you being strong is up-lifting and motivational for us here as well, kind of a role model:)
    Do not give up, may things get better for you soon:) give us updates
    CandleLight likes this.
  7. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    Sahel, thank you very much for your kind words. They are comforting.
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