I am here because I want to stay alive. I have had an incredibly difficult year, and it would probably make a lot of sense to many people in my situation, to just give up.
Last April I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend. He was scary and controlling but I didn't really see it then. We ended up breaking up, and I was told by an attorney to go to a domestic violence women's shelter.
I lost several pets, and animals are just about the most important thing in my life. I felt forced to quit my job teaching Special Education. And on May 9th, I attempted suicide.
I was helped in time. My body is OK. And most days, I am glad the doctors saved me. But my brain, my vulnerable emotional heart, struggles daily.
I am now homeless. I am writing this right now while cat-sitting for friends. They are good people and I am lucky to have them. But I have to leave tomorrow to go into this scary homeless shelter.
But still! Still I have good things I care about: my lovely horse, my devoted dog, my affectionate cat. My horse and cat are fine, they are boarding. My dog goes everywhere with me and the other night, when I felt so dark and hopeless and then even "happy" since I thought I would end my suffering by dying, I knew I couldn't do that to my dog. And the next day, things did get a tiny bit better.
I read once that suicidal people want relief from pain, but because pain is a feeling, and you have to be alive to feel it, suicide won't ease your suffering and give you any relief at all.
So I am grateful I made it past my suicide attempt last May, and that I did not damage my body (well, mostly didn't).
These are some things I want to live for, to fight for: my horse, my dog, my cat, sports (swimming, horseback riding, jogging- when I feel well enough to be active again), drawing, writing, yummy cups of coffee at all the cafes here in San Francisco, group therapy, and some caring friends.
I just want to be OK. My life is so bad, so scary right now. Imagine having no home.
Thanks for listening.
Last April I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend. He was scary and controlling but I didn't really see it then. We ended up breaking up, and I was told by an attorney to go to a domestic violence women's shelter.
I lost several pets, and animals are just about the most important thing in my life. I felt forced to quit my job teaching Special Education. And on May 9th, I attempted suicide.
I was helped in time. My body is OK. And most days, I am glad the doctors saved me. But my brain, my vulnerable emotional heart, struggles daily.
I am now homeless. I am writing this right now while cat-sitting for friends. They are good people and I am lucky to have them. But I have to leave tomorrow to go into this scary homeless shelter.
But still! Still I have good things I care about: my lovely horse, my devoted dog, my affectionate cat. My horse and cat are fine, they are boarding. My dog goes everywhere with me and the other night, when I felt so dark and hopeless and then even "happy" since I thought I would end my suffering by dying, I knew I couldn't do that to my dog. And the next day, things did get a tiny bit better.
I read once that suicidal people want relief from pain, but because pain is a feeling, and you have to be alive to feel it, suicide won't ease your suffering and give you any relief at all.
So I am grateful I made it past my suicide attempt last May, and that I did not damage my body (well, mostly didn't).
These are some things I want to live for, to fight for: my horse, my dog, my cat, sports (swimming, horseback riding, jogging- when I feel well enough to be active again), drawing, writing, yummy cups of coffee at all the cafes here in San Francisco, group therapy, and some caring friends.
I just want to be OK. My life is so bad, so scary right now. Imagine having no home.
Thanks for listening.
Big hugs for you.
s*. Take care of yourself hun. You're important!
