I feel im falling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair. I feel hopeless. I feel as if this is really the only place someone actually cares and listens to what i say and it all hurts. I find myself falling asleep more often and waking up at random hours to find myself unable to fall back asleep. So i tried something new and now whenever I cant seem to fall back asleep I end up cleaning around the house or doing dishes or laundry... I find as long as I keep myself preoccupied I’m good. But as soon as im idling its like reality seeps back in and the darkness starts to suffocate me. I talk to my psych about everything and she thinks ive been doing a lot better than before which I have because now I’ve been using a lot of coping skills given to me as tools, but I feel as though I’m just a burden. I feel like I’m a broken person that no one wants, I don’t even want me, not the way I am right now. I’ve tried talking to my fiancé about it and its like she doesn’t really understand... she tries to listen more now that I brought up my concerns to her, but its like she thinks i still am not making progress because I’ve still fallen into those depressive states. For the past week now I’ve been secretly crying alone in the bathroom or pulled over on the side of the road because it feels like too much to handle, I’ll watch a motivational video on youtube to get me out that rut because its like another voice telling me and praising me on to fight this depression. I know they say that only “We” as people can only defeat this on our own but this has been a hard fight. I’ve recently tried what was recommended and I’ve felt its helped a bit which was get spiritual support, I’ve went to church for the first time in years and it’s helped a bit. I really want to beat this depression, its like everywhere I look i see nothing but catastrophe, I cant see any way out of it but I continue fighting. I hate talking about my depression to anyone because I feel like im seen as im too codependent, like someone has to help me through life through every step of the way. Like they are taking a full time job being with me, being worried about me, being scared of what im going to do. I’m doing my best to close this chapter on depression but i fear if its gonna be the end of the depression or of me. I thank everyone who reads, responds or even listens to what I have to say. It makes that much of a difference and I hope to also maybe help someone in some way as well in my lifetime. This is no goodbye, this is just an update on my thoughts.
