Hello forum, I want to talk about what a useless piece of shit I am. I am hopeful that I can put all of my thoughts here.
put it simply, the feeling of wanting to die is slowly creeping up behind me... Again. I'll put everything into segments.
1. Love, if you've seen my ( two ) other posts, you prob now about my sexuality, but ofc that was a long time ago. To out it, I like men, boys, I like my own gender, in Indonesia, a country full of Islam beliefs and history. I've been always told that being "different" from what God wants is a sin, that i don't have a choice and all of my future is already decided, my love life, my death, my children, my everything. I feel useless and hopeless because it feels like my feelings are not valid, MY future is not valid, MY life is not "acceptable". It's been what.. a full year since i realised my sexuality, but I've never told my mom nor my family members, only close friends knows. And i know it seems bad that I told my friends and not my family, but it's because my friends confronted me about it..... And my parents are super religious which is worse for this type of situation. I like a guy , an upperclassman to be spesific, though he has a girlfriend so I stayed away from him, then I had a crush on my best friend, he knows.... though i feel like he started getting closer to me when I told him about it, so i guess I'm happy? But what sucks is knowing that in the future, I'll eventually have to tell them.... the worse that coould happen? kicked from my family and thrown away like a piece of trash.
2. School
School sucks, I use to be at 4th, then I dropped to 5th, then to 6th. And I'm nearing the end of my second semester exam, and I KNOW that I will drop again. I keep comparing myself to my close friends, they stayed in their positions, and moreover they climbed and took my spot. Im happy for them... I'm happy but, I can't help but resent them. and i know it's just my insecurities and self hatred.... But every single damn time I see them, is just want to tell them how much i hate them and that they're too perfect and I'm not. I'm just there, in the middle, not bad but not good. I kept telling myself everything is gonna be fine but no... Nothing is fine, I'm worried, I'm worried I'll fail everyone, I'll fail their expectations, I'll.fail.their.love. Andi know I'll never ever be as good as my friends. So I cope by lashing out and getting mad every second, but all I want to say is that I love them. But my feelings and words says otherwise. I'm not perfect, and that's not good....
3. friend
the most hurtful things I have said to my friends.... I can't count them. but the one I truly remember, "you're life is perfect and I hate that" : something i told after they hung out, just the four of them.... Leaving me alone in a mall, searching for my other friends who they didn't bother to call to look for me. I felt hurt, left behind, a piece of paper from a notebook that contains a random doodle that has no significance in their lifes. I'm happy their happy, but that's a lie isn't it, I wanted them to feel my pain, I vented to them countless times but they didn't listen, all they said was "you'll be normal soon" no matter how much hurtful words I have to write, no matter how much pain and tears I let out every night writing them my feelings and yet that's their response every.single.time and I just want to let them know... That our relationship is toxic, and I believed that IM the problem IM the scissor that cut and tear our friendship and that they should find a better friend.
so much words I have let out in countless different messages and yet they can never realise that I'm only reaching for a hand to hug me, you know what they said? "I just want to live my life happily, nobody needs to be by your side all the time" and it's true. It's true, I'm so sensitive that I can't HANDLE being left out once, twice, thrice. I don't need you to be by my side all the time, i just want you to validate my feelings, MY thoughts, MY emotions. I know they hate me, trust me they do. But i hate myself more.
That was long... Sure nobody is going to read all that. thank you for reading if you're reading this. I don't know how things will get better but, I hope I can just disappear.
Thank you and goodbye
put it simply, the feeling of wanting to die is slowly creeping up behind me... Again. I'll put everything into segments.
1. Love, if you've seen my ( two ) other posts, you prob now about my sexuality, but ofc that was a long time ago. To out it, I like men, boys, I like my own gender, in Indonesia, a country full of Islam beliefs and history. I've been always told that being "different" from what God wants is a sin, that i don't have a choice and all of my future is already decided, my love life, my death, my children, my everything. I feel useless and hopeless because it feels like my feelings are not valid, MY future is not valid, MY life is not "acceptable". It's been what.. a full year since i realised my sexuality, but I've never told my mom nor my family members, only close friends knows. And i know it seems bad that I told my friends and not my family, but it's because my friends confronted me about it..... And my parents are super religious which is worse for this type of situation. I like a guy , an upperclassman to be spesific, though he has a girlfriend so I stayed away from him, then I had a crush on my best friend, he knows.... though i feel like he started getting closer to me when I told him about it, so i guess I'm happy? But what sucks is knowing that in the future, I'll eventually have to tell them.... the worse that coould happen? kicked from my family and thrown away like a piece of trash.
2. School
School sucks, I use to be at 4th, then I dropped to 5th, then to 6th. And I'm nearing the end of my second semester exam, and I KNOW that I will drop again. I keep comparing myself to my close friends, they stayed in their positions, and moreover they climbed and took my spot. Im happy for them... I'm happy but, I can't help but resent them. and i know it's just my insecurities and self hatred.... But every single damn time I see them, is just want to tell them how much i hate them and that they're too perfect and I'm not. I'm just there, in the middle, not bad but not good. I kept telling myself everything is gonna be fine but no... Nothing is fine, I'm worried, I'm worried I'll fail everyone, I'll fail their expectations, I'll.fail.their.love. Andi know I'll never ever be as good as my friends. So I cope by lashing out and getting mad every second, but all I want to say is that I love them. But my feelings and words says otherwise. I'm not perfect, and that's not good....
3. friend
the most hurtful things I have said to my friends.... I can't count them. but the one I truly remember, "you're life is perfect and I hate that" : something i told after they hung out, just the four of them.... Leaving me alone in a mall, searching for my other friends who they didn't bother to call to look for me. I felt hurt, left behind, a piece of paper from a notebook that contains a random doodle that has no significance in their lifes. I'm happy their happy, but that's a lie isn't it, I wanted them to feel my pain, I vented to them countless times but they didn't listen, all they said was "you'll be normal soon" no matter how much hurtful words I have to write, no matter how much pain and tears I let out every night writing them my feelings and yet that's their response every.single.time and I just want to let them know... That our relationship is toxic, and I believed that IM the problem IM the scissor that cut and tear our friendship and that they should find a better friend.
so much words I have let out in countless different messages and yet they can never realise that I'm only reaching for a hand to hug me, you know what they said? "I just want to live my life happily, nobody needs to be by your side all the time" and it's true. It's true, I'm so sensitive that I can't HANDLE being left out once, twice, thrice. I don't need you to be by my side all the time, i just want you to validate my feelings, MY thoughts, MY emotions. I know they hate me, trust me they do. But i hate myself more.
That was long... Sure nobody is going to read all that. thank you for reading if you're reading this. I don't know how things will get better but, I hope I can just disappear.
Thank you and goodbye
