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My girlfriend commit suicide, and I feel guilty and with desires to follow her

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Eärendil, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Eärendil

    Eärendil Member

    My girlfriend, who suffered from untreated borderline personality disorder, committed suicide three months ago, and I haven't been able to avoid it, despite being well aware of her persistent suicidal ideas and having access to the means to do so. She tried three times before, and in each of them I contacted 112 so she received medical assistance that she did not willingly accept, always asking for voluntary discharge and refusing continued psychiatric/psychological treatment; in all these attempts the intake of drugs was unimportant and her life was never in danger.

    After three years of passionate love affair, intense in the affective aspect and plagued with occasions in which I felt emotionally abused, I was exhausted, emotionally exhausted and also began to perceive in it a real threat to my person, in the sense that I seriously considered that this woman whom I loved with true madness and devotion could destroy me completely. She also loved me very reallly much, genuinely, in her stormy and extreme way of being; I protected her and gave her peace, purity of feeling, affection, natural surroundings and serenity where she could enjoy the magic of nature when she came to my house to spend days with me, continuous support at all times from a distance since she lived in Madrid and I in Galicia, and new alternatives. I have lived with her in person moments of indescribable beauty and splendor and also stages of an affective hell, sunken and with tensions unleashed by its distortions and its outbreaks of irrationality. She was desperate until when it seemed that at last, after almost three years, she was planning a reset to her chaotic life next to me but I was very hesitant to continue for find myself exhausted and tremendously suspicious that if I accepted her with me she would end up with all my stability and could even make me end up having legal problems due to her uncontrolled anger.

    After she received a call for a job offer in Madrid while her was in my house for two and a half months, recovering from a tonsil extraction, I advised her to accept and i provided her a series of documentary material to request help from the deserved state for her life's disastrous trajectory and obvious social exclusion, she called me the next day sobbing to insist that I let her return with me to what I responded it was best to continue the plan; I didn't want to bring her to keep in my house because my emergency savings are very small and not recoverable, I thought that the probability that everything would go wrong and on top of that I would lose my very tiny savings, that once spent I will be loss for ever and I would be left with nothing to fight things like diseases or broken glasses, it was very high. However, she would have a job where she had already been and said she was being treated well, and at the same time she could present the documentation to receive that benefit, which would free her from having to work illegally in a decadent place where she used to be half sedated because she hated that place; if granted it, it would be an opportunity to unite our income and be able to live acceptably without walking on the edge of the razor. Ultimately her grandmother had offered her home, she hated that place but it was an emergency "insurance".

    I just wanted a time to recovery me and be able to decide calmly, in reality I loved this girl still very much and dreamed that she would change and leave behind her harmful side that made us both suffer, keeping only her beautiful part that was immensely beautiful and resplendent; she was the woman of my life. Time is all I was asking for, time to restore myself and recover the hope and excitement.

    She spoke to me like saying goodbye to me, but she had already done this in the same tone several times before. She said,"Will you remember me?" Will you remember our happy moments? Will you forgive everything bad things I've done to you? I replied that I could never forget her because of the indescribable moments of beauty lived as a couple, that they were the only ones I would keep in my being and that we still had many more experiences to live together, as much or more splendid than those already lived. She told me she loved me, and I replied that I loved her too. The conversation ended when she told me that she needed to sleep, I told her to eat something and that if tomorrow she still felt the diffuse discomfort she told me about at the beginning of the conversation, she should go to the doctor. We kissed her goodbye with a kiss, and I sent her a message after hanging up where I told her: Not to despair, to do what I told her step by step because then all the perspectives would improve and if she felt lonely at any time she would call me to get into skype and comfort her talking, saying her goodbye with: "A very big kiss for you, my girl" and she said me: "Another kiss for you, enormous like my man." It was the last thing I talked to her, after not being able to contact her the next three days I found a way to contact a family member to see if I knew what was going on and she replied that they found her dead in her room, because of drug overdose.

    This woman, twenty years younger than me and incredibly beautiful on the outside and inside, cultured and intelligent and from childhood devastated by a horrendous family where her father sexually abused her, with a youth shaken by the sordidness of being thrown into having to survive very hard times in the midst of the abandonment and marginalization of the streets in degrading environments, this valuable and brave woman whom I cared for as a daughter for three years with the intention of rescuing her from herself and the one I loved as the most important person in my entire existence has committed suicide and even though I did the best I knew. I now feel devastated and sunk by guilt, by not having discerned that this time it was for real and having warned 112 or having said to her: Take your things and come with me, now! In both cases she would be alive right now and I wouldn't feel like an asshole and selfish miserable. At times I feel that I should kill myself too and go in search of her, to scold her for what she did and then kiss her and merge with her in a hug that lasts all eternity but something in me stops me for now, it is like a feeling that it may not be a wise idea or maybe it is simple and vile cowardice... On the other hand, I feel like acquiring the conviction to end my life, to generate Somehow I think I want to be sentenced to death to expiate my guilt, but I need to feel that such a sentence is righteous to see the way clear.

    A tremendously serious factor in my failure to rescue Yasmin from herself is that in 1997, I tried to kill myself with firm determination and without moral dilemmas for my own problems that I considered irresolvable; I failed and paid a very high price in suffering for it, facing the subsequent disgrace becoming a vagabond; I still have the scars in my ulnar veins (I remember that at that time I disposed of all my belongings, giving my possessions to my friends since I would not need them; in those years I had no hesitation and I felt the conviction that now I would like to unambiguously perceive to conclude) and this should have provided me with an infallible eye to detect immediately when things were serious. She threatened to kill herself many times, but she also gave me reassuring messages of lack of decision, and she was continually making plans and thinking about what was necessary to complete them; she wanted to travel to France with her friend Sandra, to make the way to Santiago with me, we were going to marry by the Celtic rite on the summer solstice, to finish high school and more.

    He had enormous vitality, an overflowing sexuality... It was all so contradictory and disorienting that I came to believe that she wouldn't really kill herself, that she had that idea as a figurative resource that calmed her in times of crisis. As if touching your bag of pills has the same effect as touching an amulet. That every previous suicide attempt, by I made to quickly alert to 112 was really harmless reinforced this vision and made me reduce my vigilance. Now I feel completely broken; I do not know who I am or what I really am, I have no direction or purpose and my self-concept is that of a criminal bogged down in the mud of his inner filth, and immobilized by the lack of mental clarity to take charge of his destiny.

    It is a long story that I cannot summarize in a single message. Sorry for my english, I'm from Spain
  2. drinty

    drinty I'd rather be a Cat.

    Your English is fine. Welcome to SF. It's a good place to write down what's on your mind here, many people will relate.

    I'm so sorry for your loss, but please don't feel guilty.
    Eärendil likes this.
  3. Dawn

    Dawn Well-Known Member

    Hello again. U write very well. I want u to know that it is NOT cowardly in any way at all not to kill yourself! U are right that it is NOT wise to kill yourself. U do not know what lies on the other side and being reunited is not a guarantee. I understand u just want to see her. But killing yourself to achieve this is irrational thinking due to your immense grief. I do believe we see those we love on the other side, but suicide is not the way u want to go. I believe if she could speak to u that she would tell u that u are NOT at fault, please forgive yourself, live on until it is your natural time to go, be free of this terrible burden and enjoy your life and that she loves u very much, but do not follow her in suicide. Do u think she would say these things?

    I know that u have many complicated feelings and that is normal in your situation. There are suicide grief forums that u might find helpful. Of course, this forum is for u too because u are suicidal now yourself. Maybe using both forums would be helpful.

    Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I know u feel terribly guilty and have a lot of remorse and regret. I know that must be very overwhelming and extremely hard to deal with and i am sorry for your suffering. I know what it is like to have a horrible regret that is unbearable to live with. I also beat myself up with guilt over something in my past and it is very tormenting.

    Please know that it is not your fault at all. U were not an asshole to her that last night at all. I know u wish now more than anything u would have told her to come and live with u. But u did nothing wrong at all. U had not broken up with her and made sure she knew that u would still be there for her. U weren't an asshole at all to her, please believe this. I realize it is not easy to do this though. Even if u broke up with her it would still not be your fault

    I think getting some counseling could really help u a lot. They could help u work through all of these complicated and tormenting feelings. Please hold on even though it is tremendously difficult for u. If u ever need to chat feel free to PM me. Please take good care of u. U did not treat her unkindly and I am so sorry u are going through this. <3
    Stijn and Eärendil like this.
  4. Geez...I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I've been diagnosed with BPD as well and I've seen how difficult it's been on the people around me. I really hope you don't do anything to yourself. If you need to talk at all, I'm here.
    Eärendil likes this.
  5. Eärendil

    Eärendil Member

    First of all, thank you for every word you give me.

    I can't really escape the feeling of guilt, because it was in my power to save her just by telling her to come home when she asked me to. Or simply, to have sent an urgent ambulance to her home if I had detected the real danger when she was saying goodbye to me. This is, this is what's destroying me. I can't look at myself in a mirror, I don't know who I am or what I am because my negligence and egoism has ended in the suicide of the creature that brought me experiences and hopes that seem to come out of a novel or poem.

    I wanted to be the demonstration that in this world there are kind, loving and loyal people, and without realizing it, I fell deep in love with this girl in a way that I felt a gigantic instinct to protect her and to return all the affection that had been denied her in her disastrous and harmful family, as well as in previous relationships. I protected her and made her feel safe with me, taught her how to solve difficulties, taught her many things during talks of hours and hours, and even read her stories at night to help her fall asleep, because she was suffering from insomnia and abused sedatives to fall asleep. Many times I watched her sleep, and when she woke up suddenly due to her recurring nightmares, she call me by my name and I would answer: I am here, calm, close your eyes and sleep without any fear... I will watch.

    I took her with me to the forest many times, I am a survivalist and trekker for many years and I wanted to give her the serenity and authenticity of nature, the calm and at the same time wild beauty of the mountains; the silent intimacy and mysterious romanticism of walking on the forest at night under the stars, building a hut of branches and setting a bonfire to spend the night in the heat of the fire, and ending up making love under the pleased gaze of the spirits of the forest and the nocturnal creatures.

    This is just a very little example of the kind of experiences we had

    If she had died by accident or illness, it would be totally different, but killing herself is unassumable to me. Although during many conversations I accepted suicide in very specific cases, she had a whole life ahead of her.

    I remember that she proposed to me to commit suicide with her on one occasion, I replied that although I never felt comfortable with the world and tried to kill myself in 1997, I did not feel that at this time I had the moral conviction and perception of doing so legitimately. I learned with the years and experiences that before choosing to die, we have to open doors to see if any of them lead to a life that brings us the perception that everything has a meaning or, at least, a little amount of solace.

    This is a very difficult situation to me, I'm lost in the mist without signals; I write in this forum and I do not know if I do it to look for reasons that allow me to live, presented in the form of opinions better weighted than mine, or to justify having resorted to all the options and thus feel free to go with her. I guess that what I said may mean my ban in the forum, but I want to be totally honest in my words. I do not want to cause suffering to anyone who knows me and that has a weight in my delay, but I feel terribly tired and desolate.

    I must also say that from this tragic event I feel that my intellectual abilities are diminished, and I may not be able to explain myself well, or as correctly as I would like.
  6. It's not your fault that this happened. Borderlines feel emotions to the extreme and being one myself, I can tell you for a fact that when she did what she did, she didn't blame you for it. It was more of a hatred for her own self that caused it. And even if you did come back and somehow prevent it, it very well could have happened another time. Something like BPD can't go untreated, it's a very complex and difficult to deal with disorder. I'm so sorry you were left in the aftermath of it.
    Dawn and Eärendil like this.
  7. Dawn

    Dawn Well-Known Member

    Some of the experiences u had are beautiful. I know that now those are all that u are probably focused on and not the bad ones. I would think that is a normal reaction. It is obvious u had a deep connection with her. U were good to her and it is not your fault in any way. She was struggling with the demons which u tried to hold back. U did not fail her, please know this. I am so sorry u are going through this suffering. I apologize for my delay in responding.
    Eärendil likes this.
  8. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Sorry to hear about your girlfriend man. The loss of a suicide stings like no other death and they last a real long time. Maybe you can talk to someone face to face about this locally?

    It's pretty obvious your girl had some issues so this isn't something you should blame yourself for (easier said that done. every person near a suicide blames themselves).

    This talk about how you now feel more suicidal than you have since you were younger so you can fulfill this fantasy of going to be with her and shit though? That's bullshit. That doesn't happen. You're not reuniting in some far off land or heaven or some shit. That's just not how it works. Stay here, live your life, do her proud. Do you think that's what she would've wanted for you? No, man, she would want you to be happy, to live more, to love again, to laugh, to smile.

    Best wishes.
  9. Eärendil

    Eärendil Member

    Walkerbait95 first of all, thanks for answering me.

    But your answer is full of categorical statements that have no basis, you don't know what happens once you die, nobody knows. Calling "shit" an ardent desire that arises from a need in someone you don't know is totally inappropriate. In case this isn't enough, you arrogate yourself to know that "it's not how it works" and the reality is that neither you nor anyone else knows how it wors. You don't know what she might want either, the only one that she does know what she wanted in life is me, and because of the recurring conversations about death and what might be behind her I too am the one who knows her desires, whether they are fantasy or not.

    Your message is well-meaning but very aggressive and disrespectful to me. Calling "shit" or "bullshit" to concepts that don't seem reasonable to you, but for me they are very serious because they refer to a certain transcendent sense of existence and above all to my concept of loyalty in its maximum expression, is a nasty mistake and I have felt insulted reading you. If you have a little sense of sensitivity and respect for someone in my situation, you should edit your message to eliminate the words you wrote that are disrespectful.

    You should be less arrogant and not talk to people like you know something about which you know nothing, like anyone else.
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2018
    Dawn likes this.
  10. brightlight

    brightlight SF Supporter

    You can still be the demonstration of love in this world, the love that you shared didn't die, it's just covered over with sadness and you must grow through this sadness, just as a forest burns and new life emerges after what seems to be devastation and life goes on.
    You are a Survivalist you will survive this, you are surviving, you were a light in her darkness, continue to be the light that you are, shine brighter my friend.
    Love and Light
    A poem for you
    Lynsey1 and Eärendil like this.
  11. Eärendil

    Eärendil Member

    Thank you very much for your words Brightlight, You're a very kind and caring person.
    Lynsey1 likes this.
  12. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hello again.
    I apologize if you found my response unhelpful or upsetting.
    We get a lot of people who feel like if they kill themselves they'll "go be with" their loved ones. I stand by my response in the sense that that's not how things work. But beliefs are beliefs & your certainly open to yours. I tend to think if someone commits suicide then that's not an invite for you to do so also. Just as you're feeling shitty right now you wouldn't want your mother / child / sibling etc to follow suit. You know what I'm saying?
    Ultimately I am happy you're getting good responses here & I'm real glad you're sticking around. Again, I apologize if I offended out contributed to your very painful situation.
    Best wishes.
  13. Eärendil

    Eärendil Member

    Hello Walkerbait95, I accept your apology. To make mistakes is something human, we all do it more often than we would like.
    Lynsey1 and Dawn like this.
  14. weirdjen

    weirdjen Lone Wanderer

    I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend. It must be so much painful. However, I don't think you should blame yourself for it. It's nobody's fault in my opinion. You did your best to love her and I admire you for that. I do think also that what she did was her own decision and she knew that you are the only person in her life who understood her the most this is why she called you that night.
    Lynsey1 and Eärendil like this.
  15. Lynsey1

    Lynsey1 Life is what u make of it

    I am so sorry for your lose she sounds so lovely. I can relate to you I also lost my best childhood friend to suicide and in 2016 I lost my baby brother to suicide. He was my favorite person in the world we were very close. It really helps me to talk about him. I hope and pray everyday that we will see each other again. I know your pain it's the worst thing to feel. I hope that you can find some peace I am here for you if you need to vent or just need to talk to someone that knows that pain.
    Eärendil likes this.
  16. Jimmy M

    Jimmy M Member

    A real tragedy but the fact you had that person happened upon you. You have many more people to meet and find special connections with. Keep yourself open and start over. Life is not about destinations but the journey. Find peace my friend.
    Lynsey1 and Eärendil like this.
  17. Eärendil

    Eärendil Member

    I want to thank you for your answers; I haven't been here in a while and reading to all of you is a pleasant surprise. I can feel the empathy and true involvement in each of your words towards me, this is something that has real repercussion and is very meaningful.
    I also want to apologize for the time I will be away, frankly I don't think I can contribute with anything important until I find some answers that will allow me to see clearly my way. However, do not have any doubt about how much valuable is every moment you all have dedicated to answering me. In this place there are very special creatures whose life experiences make them possess great sensitivity and knowledge about the pain of living, so every time they are pronounced a subtle soothing effect follows their words.
    Once again, thank you very much.
    brightlight and Lynsey1 like this.
  18. Lynsey1

    Lynsey1 Life is what u make of it

    we are here for you!!
  19. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    I hope things get better for you *hugs.* And I hope you find your answers!
    Lynsey1 likes this.