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You're special, sweet child
I know last year I came here to talk just a few times. It was a good year, but still, a few bad things happened...
All my family is in grief now, as my grandmother passed away on october. I didn't know her, when I was born, she was already mentally sick. She hated me to her last breath, as my uncle said to me. I wasn't home.
I was on another estate, on college, trying to stay alive with the little of hope I had...

She died on the worst way I can think. Cancer on the throat.
93 yo.

I didn't have any feeling for her, but her death impacted me as I never would think possible. Every time I think about her death I can just imagine myself in her place, dying in pain, not a single medicine would have worked. My mom said between her cry that she was screaming and crying. When the cancer reached her brain, she couldn't say nothing anymore, just scream.

She did do horrible things, but no one in earth should die this way. In my country euthanasia isn't legal, so if you are going to die a horrible and painfully death, no one would do nothing but wait.

Why I'm saying this? Is because I had an nightmare this night, with me, old, agonizing in pain.
I was looking to myself, from years away. In the couch. Dying.
When I woke up, I couldn't even cry. I never wished so strongly to die young in my life, the sooner, the better.
I always wished to fade away, but today is just...

When my grandfather died, I didn't feel anything. He died sleeping. I was on the funeral. It was sad, but he was free, and this is what matters.
I didn't had any feeling for him too, he was cruel, to the very bone. I didn't want to have nothing related to him.

These last year's death's embrace is so close to me, taking one by one in my family... I wish it comes for me soon

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