Overwhelmed and drowning

[Lastsunset]

I fucking made my daughter cry. Why why why why did I do that? She needs love more than anything right now and I know this and still was a bitch to her. Mean, couldn't get on her level and didn't even try!! So disgusted. Why do I fret about her emotions then turn around and say/do such selfish things? Her tears were so very real tonight, so much so that it alarmed and freaked me out. I wanted her to get in bed and no amount of coaxing was doing the trick, so I switched to consequences mode and took away a bus. she asked why her bus was up out of reach. I said because you're in trouble, and the tears flooded her face immediately; she was crying so intensely and I had to rock her and keep apologizing until she calmed down. I obviously approached the issue in the wrong way but how was I supposed to handle that situation? And she said a lot of things tonight that were a red flag and I'm really really concerned about it. She said "I'll kill you" at some point. She told me to just leave her alone and go away. She told me she was going to throw something at my face. She said she was going to smack my nose. She purposefully swung different things through the night uncomfortably close to my face. It was no accident and she's done that before.
OK well I have worried and worried about her well-being and I am so fucking terrified about her spending time with my mom because I know exactly how she is. Bursting into tears ALWAYS when I was and now she is, in trouble. I can't explain it very well but being in trouble was such a horrible place to be. You do not get in trouble. Must not. Or I'm a failure, my mom is so disappointed in me and there was so much shame. And I got in trouble so much. It was like everyday I had friends over I got pulled into the bedroom to talk because I did something wrong, it was quite embarrassing. It's because of how my mom raised me that I was and am liable to start balling if I do something wrong and am in trouble of any kind. This is not okay! Do you know what that did to my self-esteem and self-image?? They're both fucked up for good. I'll be dammed if I see signs that this is how she is with my daughter. I'll move far away, cut off contact. My daughter will miss her a lot because she has a strong bond with my mom but too bad, she'll never get why I cut contact with her grandma and will be sad maybe a little depressed but she will get over it with little to no scarring if I nip this in the butt immediately, while she's still so young. I won't let her experience what I had to in middle school +. Self -esteem is shattered to pieces, worried about physical appearance as my mom belittled me for my weight. It was never good enough. I saw myself as fat; no matter how much I actually weighed over the years I was always fat. She drew attention to it so very often. It was more than I could take. The very fact that I have a daughter is a huge trigger for me. I never ever wanted kids because like I explained in another thread I felt life was more suffering than it was worth, I didn't want to be responsible for subjecting another human to life. And I am so very terrified that what I'm doing with her is completely wrong and that I am emotionally abusive and just don't realize that as it's happening. I can't put into words how much my self-esteem rides on her well-being. I'll never feel like a good parent. I'll never be okay with how I'm choosing to raise her. I feel like an awful person through and through, I feel that I'm not qualified to be a leader role model for children and other people whatsoever. I call myself a burden. Poison. Selfish. Idiot. Ugly. Worthless. Lost. Already dead. Moocher. Parasite.
I don't know if I'll get through this one alive. All I really want in life is my daughter to be okay, and I'm most likely more of a hindrance than help. So if at some point I find that I am holding her back I'm more than happy to release her and relieve her at my own expense. If I could I would spend my days simply rocking back and forth on the ground while watching what is happening around the world. My anxiety can paralyze me and make me over-think any decision I have to make. It's dreadful and so I wish I just never had to make choices and never had to move. I feel so empty inside and so guilty. My passions have faded into nothingness. I can't care about anything. I don't want to be around anymore. I plead that I be killed so often now.
"Just kill me. Kill me kill me kill me.
Who do I think I am? Idiot.
What's wrong with me? What makes me special? Kill me."
Those phrases run through my mind over and over again and I can't make them stop. I even say them out loud sometimes. I was on a 4-hour road trip to see Twenty One Pilots with a friend and I just kept wishing the whole way there that we would get in a horrible car wreck where I die but she makes it out. It's thoughts like those that can make one feel alone even with company, ya know.
I cannot handle it when my daughter cries because of something I've done or said. I immediately hate myself. And I've been thinking lately that parenting alone is doubly hard for me because I don't have anyone to keep me in check or be the voice of reason when I make bad decisions. I don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of or reassure me when I'm especially feeling low and anxious. I wish I could be someone else and I cannot do that but I can be dead. I've started to hope that I will fuck up royally one of these days and overdose. That's the best shot I have since I don't have the willpower to execute a plan myself. I have so much despair, everything is painful, the future is not bright. I don't know if I'll get over this or even if I should get over it.

 

[Lastsunset]

I see now this morning that I way overreacted last night and also you would have to be there to understand why her suddenly crying was so alarming to me, because it doesn’t sound like a big deal when I describe it here. I also didn’t do a great job explaining the reaction I have to bring in trouble, and how I think she’s developing the same reactions. This should have been posted as a diary entry rather than a thread.

 

[Vanquished]

Sorry I’m just now seeing this, but I think, just based on what you shared, that it’s a very solid idea to create some more distance with your mom as she sounds crazy toxic. As parents we have a responsibility and hopefully a love in helping guide our own children in healthier directions even if no one else agrees with it. That’s one of the hard things about being a parent, making tough decisions, even if they’re not popular with others, but that’s one thing that makes a good parent.

There’s nothing wrong with correcting our kids, and it sounds very reasonable what you did. Kids without correction will throw more fits than most. After all if they’re getting their way with it why stop? But it can make it more difficult to know when they’re real, but most moms who know their kids well enough would know the difference. Tears are a normal reaction, pouting is very common, too. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, and I am a person who has been in your shoes.

We don’t live in a perfect world, so we shouldn’t expect perfection within it imho. I’ve gotten in trouble for things I didn’t even know were wrong, so it can’t be avoided, at least for me, so I shake it off and simply don’t do it again. I would encourage you to do the same, and tell your moms voice in your head or she herself to shut up. It’s not easy, believe me I know, but being on the other side of saying it is empowering.

I’m sorry that you have had to deal with a mom like her. Mine was very, very vicious with me yet kind with everyone else. That’s a mind fuck especially because I was the only adopted person in the family. Anyway....

Your daughter will be better off with you changing some boundaries. It’ll be totally natural for her to get angry or disappointed or whatever, and jsyk there’s nothing wrong with picking up the phone and dialing 911 if your daughter becomes threatening in any way. She needs to know that’s not acceptable behavior.

When my daughter gets upset with me (she’s 27 now) she gives me the silent treatment, and I let her have some space. We’re always talking again by the next day. She’s been that way since she was little. That’s what she needs, and I’m ok with it cuz I’m the same way, too.

Anyway, sorry I’ve rambled on this long, but for what it’s worth it sounds like you’re doing a good and appropriate job with your daughter.

Do you have a psychiatrist and/or therapist?

 

[Lastsunset]

Sorry I’m just now seeing this, but I think, just based on what you shared, that it’s a very solid idea to create some more distance with your mom as she sounds crazy toxic. As parents we have a responsibility and hopefully a love in helping guide our own children in healthier directions even if no one else agrees with it. That’s one of the hard things about being a parent, making tough decisions, even if they’re not popular with others, but that’s one thing that makes a good parent.

There’s nothing wrong with correcting our kids, and it sounds very reasonable what you did. Kids without correction will throw more fits than most. After all if they’re getting their way with it why stop? But it can make it more difficult to know when they’re real, but most moms who know their kids well enough would know the difference. Tears are a normal reaction, pouting is very common, too. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, and I am a person who has been in your shoes.

We don’t live in a perfect world, so we shouldn’t expect perfection within it imho. I’ve gotten in trouble for things I didn’t even know were wrong, so it can’t be avoided, at least for me, so I shake it off and simply don’t do it again. I would encourage you to do the same, and tell your moms voice in your head or she herself to shut up. It’s not easy, believe me I know, but being on the other side of saying it is empowering.

I’m sorry that you have had to deal with a mom like her. Mine was very, very vicious with me yet kind with everyone else. That’s a mind fuck especially because I was the only adopted person in the family. Anyway....

Your daughter will be better off with you changing some boundaries. It’ll be totally natural for her to get angry or disappointed or whatever, and jsyk there’s nothing wrong with picking up the phone and dialing 911 if your daughter becomes threatening in any way. She needs to know that’s not acceptable behavior.

When my daughter gets upset with me (she’s 27 now) she gives me the silent treatment, and I let her have some space. We’re always talking again by the next day. She’s been that way since she was little. That’s what she needs, and I’m ok with it cuz I’m the same way, too.

Anyway, sorry I’ve rambled on this long, but for what it’s worth it sounds like you’re doing a good and appropriate job with your daughter.

Do you have a psychiatrist and/or therapist?

My daughter does spend about half as much time with my mom than she used to because she used to be the only one we had to rely on to babysit while we worked, but her dad’s new girlfriend works overnights so is available to watch her during the day. I will try to cut it down to even less. There are more reasons I don’t want her to be around my mom, too that I won’t get into right now. It’s hard for me to accept that her crying is an okay response, it just makes me feel like a bad person and that I went about correcting her the wrong way. I wish she would never have to cry. I will try to keep my mom’s voice out of my head but it’s hard to. When I stopped being punished I think I’d when the self-harming began. I’m letting her live on through me and it won’t be easy to stop it. I’m sorry your mom was horrible to you, sounds like you were made to be the black sheep. 😕
And when she told me she was going to kill me it wasn’t a serious threat, I think she thought she was playing. I’m not sure where she got the idea to say that though so I wish I knew.
I’m going to start seeing a therapist in 2 weeks.