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(Possible TRIGGERING) i lost my father and my heart is shattered

Dead~boy

Active Member
#1
i am sorry if this isn't the best place to try and post this, i felt the grief section was more for those who lost someone to suicide mainly, not so much natural/medical causes, iwanted to try and respect that space. i did not want to risk posting this there and upsetting anyone with posting it inappropriately in the wrong space.

This basically summarizes my whole year with my father, and summarizes events leadingup to his passing just on Sunday Sept 20th of 2020. It is long, so to those who read it, part of it, thank you for taking the time to do so. There may be graphic content so if you are squeamish or don't like such details, please be advised you may not want to read, or you can skim over past it. The majority of this post may be very TRIGGERING to people, and that is the last thing i want to do, so if you are easily triggered, please you don't have to read this.

i needed this time to try and clear my head and just get everything out.


Sunday night my world came crashing down when i lost my dad. My daddy. My best friend. My mentor. My partner in crime. We are a lot alike and i have always been the black sheep of the family, but he always knows i get picked on the most and given a harder time by my older brother and mother (those 2 are very similar too). We have a younger sister. She is only 9. i am 29 our brother will be 31 in November. Major age gap, but i am a constant in my sisters life and often am looking after her and homeschooling her.

Over the past month and a half, my fathers health had struggled and declined. He has neglected his health for over a year and a half, has diabetes, high blood pressure, but stopped taking his meds. He often says "i don't care anymore", which hurts a lot because of how much i try to care for him.

Life has never been too kind to my dad. He endures a lot over the years, puts up with so much crap from a lot of people at work in family, costumers he deals with. He's a truck driver. Has been for about 31 years. (i refuse to use past tense, let it be the denial, i am not living in an illusion, i am living in despair. He will never die to me, so i refuse past tense, now and most likely forever.)

i try encouraging him to take his meds go to the docs but such a stubborn old coot is he. Earlier this year he started complaining of a new hip pain, i say new because it was an unfamiliar type of pain. Not like his normal back hip sciatic pain. i tried encouraging him to go have it checked, but, that stubbornness, "no". For a few months i watched his hip and lower back grow in size and change shape. Still he would not go.

It had been 2 to 3 months he was dealing with this and even through the pandemic mother decided a trip to the beach...we were all hesitant because it was our first time going ever, but the pandemic and the place she chose was a hot spot for covid so it left most if us uneasy. Dad has gone to the Beach once when he was younger to visit an older brother who was stationed near the beach. Little did we know it would be our last family vacation with him by our side.

Dad struggled a lot with driving there and walking. It was painful. We returned home and he still wasn't doing good but refused a doc appointment. About a month after getting home, his pain became crippling and he struggled moving. Finally he got an appointment. For a month dad went in once a week saw a couple different doctors, all misdiagnosed him. First doc took xrays of his spine but said they looked good nothing wrong. Gave him a shot in his hip sent him on. Within a week dad declined further and was bedridden for a couple of days. His pain increased and i encouraged him to go to the er they could scan him and get him fixed up. But, "no". So he saw his regular physician a week after the first. She reviewed his xrays and said he had arthritis of the spine, 3 degenerated discs and 3 kidney stones. She did lab work and fussed at him for an outrageous cholesterol level but denied wbc and ruled out infection. Originally my first thought was an abcess or something but the doc said no infection. Said it was something else put him on steroids to reduce what she thought of as inflammation and ease the arthritis. She got him started on his meds again and switched his shot for his diabetes. (Not insulin shot, but once a week to help control his a1c levels).

So dad started his meds. But again a week later, the pain was so crippling he returned. He got scheduled for an mri but it was yet another week out that he had to wait. That week was the longest and most i have seen him suffer. He spent several days in bed unable to get up. i had him talked into an ambulance or at least the er but mom comes along and says something which made him change his mind. So he waited and waited. i told him it could be serious he should go to the er and they could go ahead and do the scan and if it is serious they are in the right place to address it. But he waited until his appointment. Damn his stubbornness.

When he got to his appointment they were told the doc only ordered a spine mri not of his hip which was his main complaint and plainly obvious. The tech had their doc see my dad and examine him. He ordered an image of his hip free of charge to bipass insurance. i am grateful to him for that, because they found a large abcess in dads hip that had grown so large it was compressing his sciatic nerve, it also was reducing some blood flow to dads left leg. So they sent him to the er to have someone drain it by guided ultra sound. Unfortunately they were unable to do that and they rushed dad into emergency surgery to drain and scrape the insides. In the process of attempting the guided ultra sound they noticed a forgein body located in his hip. They thought it was a piece of metal originally but when they opened him up to remove it it was a 2mm piece of plastic. Everyone was baffled. Dad was in surgery for just under an hour. When he woke he had jerking movements so they did a brain scan concerned for seziures but it was only myoclonic movement that can happen when people come out of anesthesia. Plus his diabetes was so badly out of control, his glucose levels stayed in the 400-500s. They pumped him full if insulin to try and manage it but insulin didn't do that much for him. His bp would be high then drop. He was in icu for most of the night up to 2am for close monitoring. He had a drain tube inserted to help drain excess fluids and infection for over a week. He stayed in the hospital for 5 days. His 1st post op app removed his drain and some stitches. Second post op was just another week later and they removed his other stitches but in a few hours his incision opened, and within a few days his incision ripped opened all the way. So, we had to pack his wound once a day.
His incision was healing looking really good the doc told us. But dad started complaining of severe acid reflux like symptoms but was accompanied by severe chest pains, some back ache and left arm heaviness and pain. i worried about his heart but he kept saying just reflux. He would have these spells a couple times a day to just a few times a week. He refused to talk to the doctor about it kept saying it was just acid. So, he had been dealing with that for a little over a month. The other day it was so severe i told them to go to the er. Finally dad agreed but mom took him to the clinic instead because he fussed they already had a lot of medical bills to pay. The doctor only said severe acid reflux, and possible yeast infection of the esophagus from all the antibiotics he was on (he had 2-3 iv antibiotics in hospital and high dose oral antibiotics for a week after coming home). But she never listened to his heart or anything. She was a different doc as well because his original was booked. She called him in some antacid stuff to help. But, just a couple of days later, my dad died. So suddenly.

i had gone home, i live below my parents down a hill. So i just walk. We have walkie talkies in case we need to get ahold of the other because i don't have phone or any internet my parents do. Not a few minutes after getting home my sister called me on the walkie saying mom called an ambulance dad collapsed. So i rushed back over.

Dad was laying in the floor complaining he couldn't breath his chest hurt, i asked if hus arm hurt but he said no. Mom uses a nocturnal oxygen machine so she went to get it and i turned the lights on. Dad was completely cyonotic. A horrible blue grey color. i grabbed his hand and was talking to him, his other hand shot up in the air and i grabbed it. He looked up stared past me and he stopped breathing. He became un responsive. Mom and i turned him on his back, i had to call 911 back. We began cpr. Mom and i had to take turns for 5-10 mins doing cpr. i would do some breaths for him while she did chest compressions then we switched. The 911 operator stayed on with us encouraging us telling us we were doing good he knows it's difficult to do but to keep it up. Finally the nedics arrived. i was doing compressions as they came in getting set up. i helped the medics. i helped roll my dad to place the board under him for the lucas 3. i opened up an iv bag for them held it the entire time. But i already knew he had gone, i felt i watched him leave, that look on his face. i spoke with the police giving them the info they needed. Mom was back and forth comforting my sister in another room. i was with dad, i watched him die, alone myself, in a room full of strangers. They kept going but 20-30 mins had already passed. I knew the outcome. Mom came back in and looked at me, i just shook my head and she went back to my sister. She came back and someone stepped over to talk to us. But i already knew the protocols, i knew what to expect. He didn't even have to explain because i explained it all, i understood. Dad was unresponsive, no shock able rythm, pupils fixed. i wonder if it made it a little easier on him to have do that part of his job, having someone else explain it? It can't be easy to have to tell families they lost someone.

We had to wait for 30-40 mins until transporters came to take dad. The officers were with us and helped make calls to the funeral home. They stepped outside after awhile to give us privacy. They would check on us ever so often to see if we needed anything.
When tge trabsporters arrived, they had a sense of humor. Maybe not everyone would like it but, i found it comforting. The man spoke to my dad, introduced himself and said he was his uber driver for the night. Ha, now i can't help but laugh a bit just picturing a grim reaper driving an Uber car. i apologize if that upsets anyone who reads this. i say i have a morbid sense of humor and just my way of coping. i liked how they talked to my father. How they treated him. i helped them with my dad. Rolling him placing the sheet rolling him again getting him in theur stretcher bag. i was going to help carry him out, but one of the officers noticed and reached out and touched my hand. He said no no we'll do this and the others said the same. So i just grabbed a light and walked out with them.

Today we are going to the funeral home at noon to finish plans. We won't have a service because dad didn't want anything. Just to be cremated and for mom and my siblings to have private time alone.

i think that, it's slowly settling...realizing dad will be cremated soon. His body will be reduced to ashes and i can hold him in my hands. Right now my mind feels like it's about to split from that thought, i don't know that i can handle this. We will be viewing his body today for the last time. And then he's ashes... i can't take it...
 

tlaud

Well-Known Member
#3
My heart goes out to you. None of us experience how one "feels" when a parent dies, as we are all different. I have experienced both of my parents passing away, but differently, and I never compare.

I hope your post is read completely, and if you need a private chat, my door is open.
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#10
My deepest condolences for the loss of your mother and father. I worry so much now with my mom. And things are becoming complicated and difficult with the insurance not returning the funeral homes calls, so nothing can proceed until they do and give them the life insurance money. The funeral home calls constantly gets put on hold my mother is given the run around and it's only breaking our hearts more.
 

SamIAm

Well-Known Member
#11
My deepest condolences for the loss of your mother and father. I worry so much now with my mom. And things are becoming complicated and difficult with the insurance not returning the funeral homes calls, so nothing can proceed until they do and give them the life insurance money. The funeral home calls constantly gets put on hold my mother is given the run around and it's only breaking our hearts more.
Thank you so much for your kind words of sympathy. It’s unfortunate that at a time like this you are caught between a lazy insurance company
and a funeral home. Perhaps seeking some legal advice (there are some free legal aid places) would help expedite this matter. I hope everything turns out well for you. I know about your dad being your best bud. Me and my dad did everything together too. It’s going to take some time for some of that pain to go away. I’m always here to talk to if you need someone to lean on.
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#12
Thank you so much for your kind words of sympathy. It’s unfortunate that at a time like this you are caught between a lazy insurance company
and a funeral home. Perhaps seeking some legal advice (there are some free legal aid places) would help expedite this matter. I hope everything turns out well for you. I know about your dad being your best bud. Me and my dad did everything together too. It’s going to take some time for some of that pain to go away. I’m always here to talk to if you need someone to lean on.

You would think insurance companies would try to be a little more compassionate during times like this. The funeral home is doing the best they can, and i appreciate that a lot from them.
It may be something we might have to do, seeking some legal assistance. It is good to know there are some free places too.
Thank you. Any time you need to talk, I am all ears.
 

SamIAm

Well-Known Member
#13
You would think insurance companies would try to be a little more compassionate during times like this. The funeral home is doing the best they can, and i appreciate that a lot from them.
It may be something we might have to do, seeking some legal assistance. It is good to know there are some free places too.
Thank you. Any time you need to talk, I am all ears.
Hey buddy anytime. Don’t forget insurance companies exist to make a profit. They hate paying out. Maybe leave the insurance company a message that you are going to seek legal help if they don’t respond to your needs. Remind them of what a painful time this is for you. If it’s one thing insurance companies hate its legal problems/lawsuits as this can cost them more money than its worth. I once called an insurance company non-stop 9-5 until someone picked up the phone and cursed me out. But it really is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. Please let me know how it turns out!! Have a peaceful, relaxing night anyways. You still have to take good care of yourself.
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#14
Hey buddy anytime. Don’t forget insurance companies exist to make a profit. They hate paying out. Maybe leave the insurance company a message that you are going to seek legal help if they don’t respond to your needs. Remind them of what a painful time this is for you. If it’s one thing insurance companies hate its legal problems/lawsuits as this can cost them more money than its worth. I once called an insurance company non-stop 9-5 until someone picked up the phone and cursed me out. But it really is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. Please let me know how it turns out!! Have a peaceful, relaxing night anyways. You still have to take good care of yourself.

Sounds like a plan. We'll see how things go tomorrow and if they still don't want to cooperate, we'll use that tactic for sure.
I will try to. The nights are hard and long right now. It's really difficult.
 

SamIAm

Well-Known Member
#15
Sounds like a plan. We'll see how things go tomorrow and if they still don't want to cooperate, we'll use that tactic for sure.
I will try to. The nights are hard and long right now. It's really difficult.
Yea man I understand. I was listening to that song Everybody Hurts by Rem before I found this forum. I know how it feels. And yea these insurance companies will push you around all day. Fight back. Talk to a lawyer if they won’t help you. If it was their father they would want to be treated with respect and in a timely manner. Let me know how it goes. At least rest and relax if you can’t sleep. It’s going to help. I’m always here to lean on.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
ADMIN
#16
Dead-boy, I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s wonderful that you described your father as your “Daddy, mentor, best friend and partner in crime” — lots of love in that!

I know it hurts so much now...It will take some time. Down the road, I hope you experience what I have: that the love we share with someone doesn’t die; it stays in our hearts.

I’m thinking of you and hope that you find peace in the coming days. *hug
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#17
Dead-boy, I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s wonderful that you described your father as your “Daddy, mentor, best friend and partner in crime” — lots of love in that!

I know it hurts so much now...It will take some time. Down the road, I hope you experience what I have: that the love we share with someone doesn’t die; it stays in our hearts.

I’m thinking of you and hope that you find peace in the coming days. *hug

Thank you for that. That love for my father will never die. Thats what my dad was to me. I always was the one helping him out with putting furniture together and fixing things around the house, working on cars, mowing. My older brother didn't care much for that stuff. I always tagged along with him doing things. Like his little shadow.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
ADMIN
#18
Thank you for that. That love for my father will never die. Thats what my dad was to me. I always was the one helping him out with putting furniture together and fixing things around the house, working on cars, mowing. My older brother didn't care much for that stuff. I always tagged along with him doing things. Like his little shadow.
Sounds like you were a great team! I’m glad you have those things to remember! :)
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#19
I am so sorry that you are having to battle the insurance company....I wondered if they might accept a partial payment if that's possible for you...with the understanding that the rest is coming...I was able to do that and they are being very patient with me as still have an outstanding balance as wait for things to settle as they say. Sending you hugs.
 

Dead~boy

Active Member
#20
I am so sorry that you are having to battle the insurance company....I wondered if they might accept a partial payment if that's possible for you...with the understanding that the rest is coming...I was able to do that and they are being very patient with me as still have an outstanding balance as wait for things to settle as they say. Sending you hugs.
Unfortunately they won't. They want payment in full up front which is ridiculous. I am glad you were able to do payments.
 

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