(rant) im tired being an evil ones

[Mayarian]

I talked with my mom and somehow it turned to a upsetting things.
Since a child I never can be a 'talkative' and 'friendly' kids, I always being quiet and avoid people unless I knew the person for a long time. I guess it was just my nature that I dont like to communicate much unless its necesarry, I also knew that my dad are always like this too. But now I became an adult, things around me changed and I must train myself to open a conversation since my study need a lot of persuasive skills. Its really hard but I tried and changed, its become easier to talking with a complete strangers. But still I cant naturally liking to talking with people, I cant talk like easy pissy love to socializing and build an atmosphere I have to thinking hard on how I need to bring the conversations. But my mom just like act like Im just arrogant and didnt have a will to try. "Just talk then!Its easy y know just ask hows the day, news, jobs etc why its so hard for you? I can talk easily even tho Im not a talkative person too!" Yes mom youre not a super talkative but youre a pretty much a talkative type, Im not. I CAN make a conversation, but I have to thinking so hard like "I wonder that I should say about, is this person enjoy this or theyre bothered? Can I say hello? Are they want to talk to me?". Its already enough on how this school trigger my depression, I tried to cope without any pro help and keep it by myself.

Then there's one guy(upperclassman) that obviously tried to approached me in a romantic way heck its so obvious even tho I dont understand where the part that he find me attractive? Or he just bored being a single and wanted to approach whatever anyone?
Last time I posted on how I dont understand the benefit/meaning of romantic relationship, but I dont harshly refuse him. I gave a clear clean rejection to his invitation for movie/lunch politely. Then a few days later his friend that I knew her better from any upperclassman that I knew(not close but talk to her sometimes) talked to me and in the end she tried to asked me to give this guy 'a chance' as a friend. I replied "I did treat him like my other friend, my friends also find me quiet too. I dont presonally avoid him, the way I respond is like usual"
Then? She still insisted and dunno tried to make me as a bad one? Why I seems like an evil woman when it comes to romance? Its been like this with my ex too. I agreed to going out with him bcs he begged and insisted. In the end I broke up so fast bcs he accusse me cheating(like wtf he knew that I never dated anyone) and he acted like want to die bcs I broke his hope.

I learned my lesson kay? I knew better than anyone that my nature are just like this. I dont talk much, Im not great at build a relationship and I dont wanna drag anyone being with me. Arent it will be hurt both sides if I force myself to accept it again? Arent I being kind enough when there's so many ppl that accept and give a false hope?
Why everyone act like Im the bad one? I know Im worthless and good of nothing but I tried to make ppl around me comfortable at least.

 

[dtc]

Sounds like you're anything but an evil person. Going out with someone one when you know it's going no where could be seen as the wrong thing to do, which even then it's only wrong if you pretend it might be more to get something out of them.

Outgoing people will never understand introverts, and we'll never really understand their need for always being with people, I generally find with parent s the white lie of "OK Mum, I'll try harder next time" does the trick.

Take care

 

[Walker]

Hi, it sounds like your mother doesn't understand your personality that great because you guys are so different. It's not a huge thing if you can find a magic phrase like DTC recommends or a way to let them realize you're ok the way you are. I think it's going to work itself out over time. You hang in there ok?

 

[Mayarian]

Sounds like you're anything but an evil person. Going out with someone one when you know it's going no where could be seen as the wrong thing to do, which even then it's only wrong if you pretend it might be more to get something out of them.

Outgoing people will never understand introverts, and we'll never really understand their need for always being with people, I generally find with parent s the white lie of "OK Mum, I'll try harder next time" does the trick.

Take care

I forgot to tell that my upperclassman said "he need a motivation to finish his study so he will get better" Im like what do you think Im happy and nice being in this school?I opened a whole new door to deppression and lead to self harm bcs of this school and fight this all alone Im scarred if I accept a person that I dont want to enter my life it might cause a mess again.

I did wrong with the phonecall, should did like what you said but this time dunno why I went against her 'advice' and we went full 45minutes for arguing on phonecall

Take care for you too

Hi, it sounds like your mother doesn't understand your personality that great because you guys are so different. It's not a huge thing if you can find a magic phrase like DTC recommends or a way to let them realize you're ok the way you are. I think it's going to work itself out over time. You hang in there ok?

I did my best. Fortunately Im livin alone currently and our contact is limited although I have to call everyday so she cant call me a nasty daughter. But she's coming again next month with my whole fam + siblings that give me no privacy and threatened me as if I dont have any place in this world. Honestly Im scarred.

 

[dtc]

I opened a whole new door to deppression and lead to self harm bcs of this school and fight this all alone .

Now that you're part of this little community you don't have to worry about facing things alone. People are here for you because you deserve support.