So my mom beat me and swore at me... again

PrincessPure

Well-Known Member
#1
I was sleeping, she called me when she was outside and started swearing out of nowhere.
She said I should eat sh*t and go under grave.
I was very confused. Then she got home and kept swearing and ridiculing me and came to my room and punched my head 3 times. This was because when I was out with my friend yesterday, I hit then car to a very tiny tree when I was steering it. I got out and checked but I didn't see that it got hurt in the dark. She says I lack understanding and don't realize how my father has to work his ass off to bring home money to fix it.
It hasn't even been a month since she last did this (aka swore at me and beat me), and I had to buy her a gift so she would be nice to me again.
I know what you may be thinking, I'm not under 18 so I could defend myself or move out. Last time, when she swore at me, I just said "no you" and she started attacking me physically. I'm shorter and skinnier than her, she completely has control over me and hurts me like a b**** and even if I did defend myself, she would treat me like the worst child in the world. Last time we fought for another reason and she gave me the silent treatment for a month. It is always her recipe to humiliate me and then give me the silent treatment. She doesn't believe I hit a tree, she thinks I crashed into a car and ran away. She almost never believes what I say. Last time I got angry and said "no you" because she didn't believe me either. She just chooses to talk in a ridiculing language when I tell her the truth.
It's been like 6 months since I got my driver's license. I never crashed into a car, it has just been 2 or 3 times when I barely caused any damages when I was parking the car. When I was a kid and my parents had just started driving, they got into MULTIPLE accidents, even years after they started driving. They only became professionals after 5 or 6 years. Do they really expect me to drive so neat that never even causes the slightest damage?
Honestly, post-COVID when I came back home and classes were online, it has been HELL. I do realize why teenagers wish to move out as soon as they turn 18. When I got into college, I went to live in a dorm away from them, which made things better, but COVID came and I had to comeback. It gets worse and worse as everyday goes by. I can NOT move out, I know it is hard to realize for users on this site majority of whom come from western cultures, but that's a really rather weird and alien thing in my culture, specially if you are a girl. Not that, I believe in it, but it's unsafe. It's something that not even 1 in a million girls do before they are married. I do wish to leave the whole country, that depends if I do well in a certain exam this September. My parents are funding my migration, so you see I can't upset them or defend myself at the slightest or this might make them skeptical about allowing me leave. You could not imagine the amount of pressure on me in order to be able to succeed in this exam. I can't resist another f**king year here.

But I'm like, REALLY tired of having to deal with all this when it comes to my mom. It's exhausting and it's putting extra pressure on me in order to migrate exactly this year. She's one of the major reasons I have a depression and not to mention hypochondria. Ngl, when I heard people don't like their parents, I thought they were ungrateful. Maybe mine got worse with time, idk. I am hurting to my very core right now. I try to communicate with them and have them calm toward me but every time, the calm lasts like 2 days max and I regret ever talking to them about anything other than daily tasks. I think my mom has anger issues, I know she has mental health problems and took meds for it for a long time, but it still is humiliating for me to go through this.
My whole body hurts even physically, please tell me what do I do... what next, if I can't leave my country and home this year...?
 

Astrid78

that's what he thinks
#2
What a terrible situation you are in right now @PrincessPure. Having been in an abusive relationship I understand the feelings of being stuck, unable to leave or defend yourself.
Do you have a safety plan in place, for when it comes time to leave? Doing this made me feel more in control and confident about myself and abilities to leave, and it was nice to have around, just to look at. It was very motivating, and brought feelings of relief and excitement.
You mentioned not living in the west, do you have access to domestic violence services? It was very helpful for me to call someone who knew exactly what I was going through.
Or perhaps you could stay with friends or relatives a few days a week?
You're right, I live in the United States and most likely dont understand due to cultural differences. I do understand the complete insanity of living with a very abusive person, feel free to inbox me anytime.
 

PrincessPure

Well-Known Member
#4
What a terrible situation you are in right now @PrincessPure. Having been in an abusive relationship I understand the feelings of being stuck, unable to leave or defend yourself.
Do you have a safety plan in place, for when it comes time to leave? Doing this made me feel more in control and confident about myself and abilities to leave, and it was nice to have around, just to look at. It was very motivating, and brought feelings of relief and excitement.
You mentioned not living in the west, do you have access to domestic violence services? It was very helpful for me to call someone who knew exactly what I was going through.
Or perhaps you could stay with friends or relatives a few days a week?
You're right, I live in the United States and most likely dont understand due to cultural differences. I do understand the complete insanity of living with a very abusive person, feel free to inbox me anytime.
I am planning to study medicine in Europe I wish, I have chosen the university and done any process that I could have done, until the day of exam comes I have been studying hard. As for where to stay, not quite sure yet. I'll hopefully get a scholarship and maybe a part-time job and figure all that later. Some scholarships come with dorms as well. But for now I am very busy with my studies and that's what I should focus on atm, or none of those would be possible. The amount of stress is unexplainable. The fact that it's medical school which is wildly hard and requires dedication is on one hand and on the other hand is the pressure of exactly leaving this year, doing well on the exam, visa process and everything else which comes with it. I am extremely anxious, barely sleep well and wakeup with heart palpitations.
I think there should be centers relating to domestic violence, but they barely do anything decent tbh. And she's my mom, not a husband or anything. I think it would be rather weird if I report this. I think most people just move on and accept to respect their parents no matter what they are like. They are parents after all. So it's going to be very weird if I bothered friends or relatives. I rather die here. I just really from the bottom of my heart wish this all ends and nothing stands in my way of getting out. I am so desperate.
 

PrincessPure

Well-Known Member
#5
Princess Pure, I'm so sorry you are living with that physical and mental abuse. Are you able to go back to college in person? Or maybe talk to a counselor about how to keep the peace with your mother. Would your father or another family member tell you it's not okay for her to hit you?
Actually I graduated months ago, just this semester some classes started being offline again but what's the point if I am not in college anymore. I do plan to go to another college and study something else but that's a whole other story. For now, it seems I have no choice but to stay. I really wished we were one of those families that have two homes or spend more time apart. My father usually stops her from beating me, even if he did beat me when I was a kid. Now for some reason he doesn't do it, idk. Today he wasn't around so she just kept going. I think her anger issues are a problem for everyone. He randomly humiliates my father as well, but he has just came to accept it, or they wouldn't stay married 24 years. My sister is much more obedient. She just stays quiet when being sweared at, not to create a bigger mess. I remember she wanted to take a gap year to study more and get in a better college but my mom disagreed and she kicked her and stepped on her and she didn't say a word. She went to college the same year against her own will. My mom always mentions how she is a better child than me because of how she gets along with that.
So I tried to go her way of not saying anything and letting her do what she does until she is not angry anymore, I wanted to swear back and remind her of all the accidents that she got in, but instead I stayed quiet and went out to check the car. I couldn't help crying. It is so humiliating and I feel that I was so weak and got defeated that I ended up crying. I hate people seeing me cry.
I really am in need to therapy or a counselor but that's expensive after all and my parents are spending a lot on me this year, funding my migration and everything. It is gonna be hard to ask them to pay for that too, especially how my sister has severe depression and I think they would be upset if they know I have it too.
 
#6
My mother was abusive and I know it's hard to back down when someone is attacking you, but staying silent or complying doesn't mean you agree - it just means you are keeping the peace to be easier on yourself. I know this might not always be possible. I hope you can get out of there soon. (((((hug)))))) *hug
 

Astrid78

that's what he thinks
#7
I am planning to study medicine in Europe I wish, I have chosen the university and done any process that I could have done, until the day of exam comes I have been studying hard. As for where to stay, not quite sure yet. I'll hopefully get a scholarship and maybe a part-time job and figure all that later. Some scholarships come with dorms as well. But for now I am very busy with my studies and that's what I should focus on atm, or none of those would be possible. The amount of stress is unexplainable. The fact that it's medical school which is wildly hard and requires dedication is on one hand and on the other hand is the pressure of exactly leaving this year, doing well on the exam, visa process and everything else which comes with it. I am extremely anxious, barely sleep well and wakeup with heart palpitations.
I think there should be centers relating to domestic violence, but they barely do anything decent tbh. And she's my mom, not a husband or anything. I think it would be rather weird if I report this. I think most people just move on and accept to respect their parents no matter what they are like. They are parents after all. So it's going to be very weird if I bothered friends or relatives. I rather die here. I just really from the bottom of my heart wish this all ends and nothing stands in my way of getting out. I am so desperate.
Sending hugs, if you'd like i can share some things that helped me to alleviate some of the anxiety. If not that's ok also.
 
#10
I think there should be centers relating to domestic violence, but they barely do anything decent tbh. And she's my mom, not a husband or anything.
A DV resource might still be worth talking to. It's true that the help they offer is often limited, but calling them also probably wouldn't hurt and might help.

www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide listing of DV resources. They also have a library of documents related to DV.

While in some countries, any violence is considered DV as long as you live with the perpetrator, cultural norms may be different in your country.
So it's going to be very weird if I bothered friends or relatives.
I guess that's another cultural norms issue. Friends and family would likely only help if they were sympathetic to your situation.

I can NOT move out, I know it is hard to realize for users on this site majority of whom come from western cultures, but that's a really rather weird and alien thing in my culture, specially if you are a girl. Not that, I believe in it, but it's unsafe. It's something that not even 1 in a million girls do before they are married.
I believe you when you say that it is extremely rare, and unsafe for an unmarried girl in your country to leave home. I could try to make suggestions about living arrangements, but I don't want to sound like I'm arguing with you, or like I'm claiming easy and guaranteed options are available.

You may want to make a safety plan:
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/forums/i-dont-feel-safe.103/
 

PrincessPure

Well-Known Member
#11
A DV resource might still be worth talking to. It's true that the help they offer is often limited, but calling them also probably wouldn't hurt and might help.

www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide listing of DV resources. They also have a library of documents related to DV.

While in some countries, any violence is considered DV as long as you live with the perpetrator, cultural norms may be different in your country.

I guess that's another cultural norms issue. Friends and family would likely only help if they were sympathetic to your situation.



I believe you when you say that it is extremely rare, and unsafe for an unmarried girl in your country to leave home. I could try to make suggestions about living arrangements, but I don't want to sound like I'm arguing with you, or like I'm claiming easy and guaranteed options are available.

You may want to make a safety plan:
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/forums/i-dont-feel-safe.103/
I hear all this, there are a few shelters for vulnerable girls and women. Honestly, do I wanna live in there tho? I took a look and they give you a stay for 21 days and then keep checking on your family. I don't think 21 days staying elsewhere will fix my situation. I feel family issues are meant to be very private, hence I only talk them on they anon site. I could be wrong but it makes me feel out of place and problematic to admit to them. Everyone else probably has those issues and hides them???
Aside from not being the cultural norm, living alone just doesn't seem right to me rn. Idk how to explain it well. Yes, there are very rare expectations to this case, one in a million single girls who may choose to live alone in a busy area to stay safe. But it also requires a lot of money, hence I'd need to be working full time. I'm not against working full time, but since I am studying to get into medical school, I see that as a way of sabotaging a precious career which would be much more profitable in long term compared to an average job. Not to mention the social status that comes with being a doctor. I think focusing on anything other than studies would sabotage all that future, but at the same time I am helpless. I wish for the best, to leave this year and when it comes to providing for me my parents always do what they should, but there is a possibility that I may not be able to go, and that scares me to death. Another year of staying here, that be the end of me.
Sometimes I think my mother wants the best for me. She is nice most of the time, almost never says no to what I want. It's just her sudden anger issue episodes that are out of control. When something goes wrong, I should avoid her at all costs. She is very unpredictable. Could suddenly punch right into my face, since my nose is done, that would cause me a lot of trouble, even another surgery I think.
 
#12
I hear all this, there are a few shelters for vulnerable girls and women. Honestly, do I wanna live in there tho? I took a look and they give you a stay for 21 days and then keep checking on your family. I don't think 21 days staying elsewhere will fix my situation.
Shelters are one of the primary things that DV resources offer, but not necessarily the only thing they offer. I doubt that anyone would try to force you to stay in a shelter. They might have some form of DV counseling.
Aside from not being the cultural norm, living alone just doesn't seem right to me rn. Idk how to explain it well. Yes, there are very rare expectations to this case, one in a million single girls who may choose to live alone in a busy area to stay safe. But it also requires a lot of money, hence I'd need to be working full time. I'm not against working full time, but since I am studying to get into medical school, I see that as a way of sabotaging a precious career which would be much more profitable in long term compared to an average job.
I think there are elderly or disabled people who are willing to exchange housing, utilities, and food in exchange for a certain amount of live-in care giving. I'm not sure if that would be compatible with your studies, but maybe.
 

Astrid78

that's what he thinks
#13
I've found avoidance was the best way to cope, you mentioned safety concerns so not sure if going for a walk during one of her rages would be something you could do?
Calling a friend to go for coffee or something to eat might be safer.
contacting a dv resource just to talk was extremely helpful to me. It was an understanding ear and they helped me to make a safe exit strategy, maybe calling the dv place you mentioned could help a little.
Deep breathing, positive self talk, and perhaps writing down all your exciting future plans would give you something tangible to do during bad moments.
 

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