I've been gone for a while, mostly because work has been crazy and I have a summer class that is killing my free time but also because I was away this past week and a half with two friends on a trip. My trip was wonderful and it was fun to be with my friends like that but I notice that no matter what level of happiness I am feeling I still manage to be suicidal and feel this inner sadness. It's scary to be on a beach with your friends having a once in a lifetime vacation and still thinking about how it would be a good idea to off yourself. Right now I am crying as I type because I just don't know what it is that makes me constantly feel this way. I wonder if I need medication. I haven't gone to a therapist for about a month now because our sessions ended and I am filled with anxiety about going again and having to start all over. I am also really anxious because I initially wanted my parents to also get counseling to deal with their issues regarding the childhood sexual abuse I suffered (not from them but they knew about it) and my issues with them around it because they basically let it go without defending me at all. They can't understand my suicidal ideation and I wanted them to get a better understanding of me. I know they want to help but now it seems like it's too late. I am an adult and it happened over 10 years ago. I know they are trying but it honestly feels like it is a little too late and at this point I would rather deal with it on my own. I am getting pulled in many different directions emotionally and am not sure what I should do. I just feel so crazy and confused and just very, very sad.