So sad it hurts

[lightning05]

I've been gone for a while, mostly because work has been crazy and I have a summer class that is killing my free time but also because I was away this past week and a half with two friends on a trip. My trip was wonderful and it was fun to be with my friends like that but I notice that no matter what level of happiness I am feeling I still manage to be suicidal and feel this inner sadness. It's scary to be on a beach with your friends having a once in a lifetime vacation and still thinking about how it would be a good idea to off yourself. Right now I am crying as I type because I just don't know what it is that makes me constantly feel this way. I wonder if I need medication.

I haven't gone to a therapist for about a month now because our sessions ended and I am filled with anxiety about going again and having to start all over. I am also really anxious because I initially wanted my parents to also get counseling to deal with their issues regarding the childhood sexual abuse I suffered (not from them but they knew about it) and my issues with them around it because they basically let it go without defending me at all. They can't understand my suicidal ideation and I wanted them to get a better understanding of me. I know they want to help but now it seems like it's too late. I am an adult and it happened over 10 years ago. I know they are trying but it honestly feels like it is a little too late and at this point I would rather deal with it on my own. I am getting pulled in many different directions emotionally and am not sure what I should do. I just feel so crazy and confused and just very, very sad.

 

[iam]

Hi Lightning05,

I know that feeling. Being on the holiday of a lifetime and although being happy still having that horrible sadness and anxiety. My wife, bless her booked me a holiday to Iceland. Somewhere I've always wanted to go and it was every bit as wonderful as I imagined. But still the inner sadness and always the anxiety. Even worse when I came home I was even more depressed than before we went.
You should probably speak to your doctor about medication it has been helping me. The only problem my mood changes from super high to devastating low from hour to hour.i don't know if this is normal for the medication and mood is start to balance out a bit now.

The abuse my dear, the person/people should be punished for what they did to you and if they are still alive its not too late. Here in the uk the news for a few years now has been a lot of historical abuse cases and in the US too I think there have been some.
I think you're probably right about your parents needing therapy too although they have to make that decision themselves.
I'm hope this make sense, I'm not the best a writing I get a bit confused.

I hope you find help and there are lot of wonderful people on here who could help you better than I could.
Here if you need me
Hugs xx

 

[lightning05]

Thanks for replying @iam and glad to know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt like that while on a vacation. It means a lot that you shared your similar experience with me. And you were perfectly clear

My parents do want to get help but it's because it's what I want them to do and suggested they do. They've always been passive and I've always had to handle things myself... it just seems that way all over again and is making things worse than helping. Right now maybe them knowing what is going on is enough.. ugh I just have to think on it more.