-
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
Started seriously planning my final day/suicide. I'm so close now
- Thread starter Kitty Katzington
- Start date
- Tags suicide suicide planning
Therapy, or at least the places available to me through insurance, is really bad in my area. The wait times would be really long, and in general I would be so paranoid about being forcibly committed, I wouldn't talk about being suicidal at all.
Moat likely I would be put on meds, they wouldn't work and would have severe negative side effects, I have to try another, rinse and repeat, and maybe In 3 years and a shit ton of money I shouldn't be spending, I end up maybe 5% better than I am now. If therapy is such a good thing, why do people in therapy still kill themselves? Why should I waste energy, time, and money trying to find a therapist that can maybe help me, and what exactly are the odds they will be covered by my insurance? I think there's one Center and about 5 individual therapists of varying skill sets.
It's too much painful effort for something that will either not work, or take so long to work that It's not even worth trying to start over
Moat likely I would be put on meds, they wouldn't work and would have severe negative side effects, I have to try another, rinse and repeat, and maybe In 3 years and a shit ton of money I shouldn't be spending, I end up maybe 5% better than I am now. If therapy is such a good thing, why do people in therapy still kill themselves? Why should I waste energy, time, and money trying to find a therapist that can maybe help me, and what exactly are the odds they will be covered by my insurance? I think there's one Center and about 5 individual therapists of varying skill sets.
It's too much painful effort for something that will either not work, or take so long to work that It's not even worth trying to start over
How do you know none of these would work unless you try them. It's really not much effort to try some medication - a lot of people hit on one that works first time and most people don't experience any side effects other than feeling better.
You are suicidal for a reason(s). Therapy will tackle that, you don't have to disclose your suicidal thoughts. Again, how will you know it won't help unless you try?
Nobody here is going to agree with you that you have no hope of getting better so might as well go ahead and kill yourself. Because that's just not true. There is a very good chance that you can go on to live a good life.The members here want to help you. We all know how you feel, we've all been there (many still are), felt hopeless, lost the will to fight, have been worn down by years if not decades of trauma and depression.
But maybe it's not help or advice you're looking for here? Maybe it's just a safe space to rant? Idk.. Either way, I want you to know that you are worth the effort.
You are suicidal for a reason(s). Therapy will tackle that, you don't have to disclose your suicidal thoughts. Again, how will you know it won't help unless you try?
Nobody here is going to agree with you that you have no hope of getting better so might as well go ahead and kill yourself. Because that's just not true. There is a very good chance that you can go on to live a good life.The members here want to help you. We all know how you feel, we've all been there (many still are), felt hopeless, lost the will to fight, have been worn down by years if not decades of trauma and depression.
But maybe it's not help or advice you're looking for here? Maybe it's just a safe space to rant? Idk.. Either way, I want you to know that you are worth the effort.
I don't know why I'm here. It feels like I finally pushed my last few remaining friends by not talking to them for too long. I'm trying to contact them and it's like they're ignoring me on purpose. One of them is my roommate, who has been living somewhere else all month. I have no idea if he'll have rent money, and I don't even have my half yet. I'm freaking out all alone in an apartment I can't even bring myself to clean. I pretty much chain smoke now, and I have to force myself to quit, like, right the fuck now during my lowest point because I really need the money.
That's just what's going on right now. I have no idea where to even start with therapy, the issues are so tangled together I can't make much sense of it anymore to myself, and I suck at verbally explaining my thoughts
That's just what's going on right now. I have no idea where to even start with therapy, the issues are so tangled together I can't make much sense of it anymore to myself, and I suck at verbally explaining my thoughts
You may be able benefit from reading about CBT on your own. This book has been highly recommended:
Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
Dennis Greenberger, Christine A. Padesky
The side effect from meds are generally well known, so if you get the right one, it won't necessarily produce any severe problems.
Most of the antidepressants are available as generics, so they may not be that expensive.
Therapy isn't helpful to everyone, and even when it is helpful, it's not always enough.
Therapy doesn't have to work perfectly for everyone in order for it to be worthwhile for you.
You might want to try something like group therapy, which is often much cheaper. If you call 211, they may be able to help you find some sources of therapy.
Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
Dennis Greenberger, Christine A. Padesky
The side effect from meds are generally well known, so if you get the right one, it won't necessarily produce any severe problems.
Most of the antidepressants are available as generics, so they may not be that expensive.
Therapy isn't helpful to everyone, and even when it is helpful, it's not always enough.
Therapy doesn't have to work perfectly for everyone in order for it to be worthwhile for you.
You might want to try something like group therapy, which is often much cheaper. If you call 211, they may be able to help you find some sources of therapy.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kitty)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I feel bad for you. Your situation sounds really hard. I know what it's like to have no hope of a better life - I had that for years. But things CAN improve.
I remember that in another thread you spoke of how your mother was just 14 or 15 when she had you, and was the victim of a statutory rape. You said you are not in contact with your family. Would it be possible for you to get back in touch with her? Family can be a good resource even if you don't get along. What about grandparents? I've heard it said of family "when you have to go to them, they have to take you in." Surely your mother would want to know if you were considering suicide??? My mother was abusive but she still loves me in her twisted narcissistic way, and would be very upset if I ended my life.
Do you have any friends at work or a decent relationship with your employer? I mention this because you said you can be openly depressed and show up to work late, and there aren't a lot of workplaces where this is possible.
I would not assume that you would be unable to hold down another job. It's possible that you would feel differently or be able to function better doing another type of work. But I do understand your concerns especially about noise and your physical pain. There were times when I was doubled over at my desk and somehow managed to get through the day (although I've always called in sick more than average which is a problem in some jobs). You also might be able to qualify for disability.
You could try the chat here on SF - it's good and there are almost always people talking. Some of the chat can be superficial in the social+support room, but you can always introduce yourself and ask if someone can join you in the support room. Or sometimes people talk about problems in the s+s room as well.
I hope your friends aren't abandoning you. I'm sure they would be upset if you ended your life.
I'm not sure what else to say but you are so young and your situation seems not so hopeless to me. You have a dim view of antidepressants but they help a lot of people. In fact something like 60% of people are helped the first one they try. On a forum like this a lot of people are med resistant so you don't get an accurate impression.
Someone recommended Mind over Mood. I would like to recommend The Feeling Good Handbook which is also CBT but includes a lot about cognitive distortions which helped me. Also Ekhart Tolle's _The Power of Now_ is good.
I feel bad for you. Your situation sounds really hard. I know what it's like to have no hope of a better life - I had that for years. But things CAN improve.
I remember that in another thread you spoke of how your mother was just 14 or 15 when she had you, and was the victim of a statutory rape. You said you are not in contact with your family. Would it be possible for you to get back in touch with her? Family can be a good resource even if you don't get along. What about grandparents? I've heard it said of family "when you have to go to them, they have to take you in." Surely your mother would want to know if you were considering suicide??? My mother was abusive but she still loves me in her twisted narcissistic way, and would be very upset if I ended my life.
Do you have any friends at work or a decent relationship with your employer? I mention this because you said you can be openly depressed and show up to work late, and there aren't a lot of workplaces where this is possible.
I would not assume that you would be unable to hold down another job. It's possible that you would feel differently or be able to function better doing another type of work. But I do understand your concerns especially about noise and your physical pain. There were times when I was doubled over at my desk and somehow managed to get through the day (although I've always called in sick more than average which is a problem in some jobs). You also might be able to qualify for disability.
You could try the chat here on SF - it's good and there are almost always people talking. Some of the chat can be superficial in the social+support room, but you can always introduce yourself and ask if someone can join you in the support room. Or sometimes people talk about problems in the s+s room as well.
I hope your friends aren't abandoning you. I'm sure they would be upset if you ended your life.
I'm not sure what else to say but you are so young and your situation seems not so hopeless to me. You have a dim view of antidepressants but they help a lot of people. In fact something like 60% of people are helped the first one they try. On a forum like this a lot of people are med resistant so you don't get an accurate impression.
Someone recommended Mind over Mood. I would like to recommend The Feeling Good Handbook which is also CBT but includes a lot about cognitive distortions which helped me. Also Ekhart Tolle's _The Power of Now_ is good.
Meds scare the shit out of me because even if they somehow choose the correct one on the first try, it still makes you more suicidal in the first month or so, from what ive read. I dont have a support system, I'm alone in my apartment, and before you suggest it NO IM NOT FUCKING COMMITTING MYSELF.
Beyond that, there's a good chance I'll be on something a lot more hardcore than just "antidepressants"
There is a family history of Bipolar, and everything I've read about Bipolar meds leads me to believe all they do is turn you into a zombie with dulled emotions, just so you don't get the highs and lows. I spoke to someone in real life who told me Lithium was a fucking nightmare.
I dont know, maybe I need the meds but I really can't handle everything getting worse, or switching meds, or lowering/raising the dosage. I don't want to be a fucking science experiment, dealing with the negatives while some overpaid douchebag shoves poison down my throat and has me locked away in a facility when things inevitably get worse
Beyond that, there's a good chance I'll be on something a lot more hardcore than just "antidepressants"
There is a family history of Bipolar, and everything I've read about Bipolar meds leads me to believe all they do is turn you into a zombie with dulled emotions, just so you don't get the highs and lows. I spoke to someone in real life who told me Lithium was a fucking nightmare.
I dont know, maybe I need the meds but I really can't handle everything getting worse, or switching meds, or lowering/raising the dosage. I don't want to be a fucking science experiment, dealing with the negatives while some overpaid douchebag shoves poison down my throat and has me locked away in a facility when things inevitably get worse
You seem to have the wrong idea about meds. I'm ON lithium and never had a single side effect other than water tasting like ambrosia - lithium is a chemical salt, so it makes you a bit thirsty. Lithium was my bipolar father's miracle and stopped his mania.
I've taken several meds over the years and rarely had a side effect worse than dry mouth, especially past the first few days. I think the worsening of depression is a very slight thing for most people, and it's rare to have an increase in suicidal thoughts (they have to disclose the *possible* side effects for each med, but that doesn't mean you will get all--or any--of those effects)
If you haven't been diagnosed with Bipolar and haven't had any manic episodes I doubt they would put you on a mood stabilizer.
I think it's a myth that meds make you a "zombie" - I think people who say that are usually talking about anti-psychotic meds, such as for schizophrenia, and even those have better versions these days. People really like to demonize meds and I'm no fan of Big Pharma but let's face it there are conditions that medication can help and depression is one of them.
I've taken several meds over the years and rarely had a side effect worse than dry mouth, especially past the first few days. I think the worsening of depression is a very slight thing for most people, and it's rare to have an increase in suicidal thoughts (they have to disclose the *possible* side effects for each med, but that doesn't mean you will get all--or any--of those effects)
If you haven't been diagnosed with Bipolar and haven't had any manic episodes I doubt they would put you on a mood stabilizer.
I think it's a myth that meds make you a "zombie" - I think people who say that are usually talking about anti-psychotic meds, such as for schizophrenia, and even those have better versions these days. People really like to demonize meds and I'm no fan of Big Pharma but let's face it there are conditions that medication can help and depression is one of them.
No diagnosis, haven't seen a doctor about this. I do have sudden mood swings, usually from 'feeling ok' to smacking face first into a metaphorical brick wall of depression.
I also have very brief manic episodes where I get a burst of energy and start doing impulsive shit, laughing at nothing, etc. This usually lasts for a few minutes to maybe an hour, then my energy crashes and I can barely function. I've actually attacked people during these episodes, never knowing why I did it. I smacked a teacher in the face through his car window as he slowly moved through the parking lot. I've knocked out two of my friends by punching them in the ribs (oddly enough I don't really talk to either of them anymore)
In Jr High I chased someone with a stapler and when I caught him, I stapled his shoulder blade.
It's not just against other people though, I also used to self harm a lot when I felt this way. Instead of cutting, I used to punch or slap myself in the head.
It's usually not like that though. Normally I just get weird thoughts and feel giddy, maybe do something creative if an idea sparks my interest. And to be fair to myself a little bit, I haven't done anything violent like that in several years. I still get the thoughts, but I'm a little better at stopping the action now.
I also have very brief manic episodes where I get a burst of energy and start doing impulsive shit, laughing at nothing, etc. This usually lasts for a few minutes to maybe an hour, then my energy crashes and I can barely function. I've actually attacked people during these episodes, never knowing why I did it. I smacked a teacher in the face through his car window as he slowly moved through the parking lot. I've knocked out two of my friends by punching them in the ribs (oddly enough I don't really talk to either of them anymore)
In Jr High I chased someone with a stapler and when I caught him, I stapled his shoulder blade.
It's not just against other people though, I also used to self harm a lot when I felt this way. Instead of cutting, I used to punch or slap myself in the head.
It's usually not like that though. Normally I just get weird thoughts and feel giddy, maybe do something creative if an idea sparks my interest. And to be fair to myself a little bit, I haven't done anything violent like that in several years. I still get the thoughts, but I'm a little better at stopping the action now.
There's a couple of antidepressants that have that reputation, but I don't think that necessarily applies to all of them.
I've known people on lithium, they seemed to like it and do well on it. I'm not aware of bad reactions being common. There's also mood stabilizers other than lithium.
I think you could try to see a psychiatrist and have a discussion about this. You wouldn't have to take the meds if you decided not to.
It sounds like you definitely have untreated bipolar. Telling a doctor about your symptoms and also about your family history sounds like a good idea.
Doctors usually only treat unipoloar depression, so you'll probably be referred on to a psychiatrist.
If you have a close relative that has been successfully treated with a particular drug and dosage, you may want to find out what they are taking, and also what drugs didn't work for them. Getting the same drug as a relative for the same condition often leads to better results.
I know you're reluctant to try medication, but I think it would at least be a good idea to talk to a doctor about this.
I've known people on lithium, they seemed to like it and do well on it. I'm not aware of bad reactions being common. There's also mood stabilizers other than lithium.
I think you could try to see a psychiatrist and have a discussion about this. You wouldn't have to take the meds if you decided not to.
It sounds like you definitely have untreated bipolar. Telling a doctor about your symptoms and also about your family history sounds like a good idea.
Doctors usually only treat unipoloar depression, so you'll probably be referred on to a psychiatrist.
If you have a close relative that has been successfully treated with a particular drug and dosage, you may want to find out what they are taking, and also what drugs didn't work for them. Getting the same drug as a relative for the same condition often leads to better results.
I know you're reluctant to try medication, but I think it would at least be a good idea to talk to a doctor about this.
The direction of our lives needs to be positive. We weren’t born to cause trouble or do harm to others. For our life to be of value, I think we must develop good human qualities – warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life will become meaningful and more peaceful – happier.
- Dalai Lama
He's always helping me... https://twitter.com/dalailama
- Dalai Lama
He's always helping me... https://twitter.com/dalailama
Last edited:
There can be times when life feels like it has closed every door, barred every window and even put tape over the little vents JUST to ram home that all options are gone, and trust me I know how it feels to have just no energy left to keep fighting, but when I decided "I will not die by suicide" I was surprised to find that no matter how many times I spent my very last bit of energy, I somehow managed to trudge 1 step further on nothing but momentum and habit, it sucked and I was miserable for years, and every day, even when options did present themselves they never went anywhere or mean anything and it felt like there was somehow even less hope than there was before, but it did change, suddenly, with no warning things changed, I just had to hold on long enough.
Life sucks sure, and I don't ever claim "things will get better" just that - There is never no hope.
- There is always one tiny bit of energy left in the tank.
- You are worth keeping around.
Life sucks sure, and I don't ever claim "things will get better" just that - There is never no hope.
- There is always one tiny bit of energy left in the tank.
- You are worth keeping around.
There is a slight risk with teenagers and young adults but in older age groups like yours it's not thought to be a risk.
Manic and depressive episodes in bipolar last a lot longer than an hour - it's normally several days at least but can be weeks or months. And mood swings are a common symptom of nearly every psychological disorder.
I'm not sure where you're getting your information from but it's very outdated. I know dozens and dozens of people on meds (and some hardcore ones at that) and I've never met a zombie yet. Although I have met a lot of people who have self diagnosed and got it wrong - diagnoses are better left to the professionals.
Manic and depressive episodes in bipolar last a lot longer than an hour - it's normally several days at least but can be weeks or months. And mood swings are a common symptom of nearly every psychological disorder.
I'm not sure where you're getting your information from but it's very outdated. I know dozens and dozens of people on meds (and some hardcore ones at that) and I've never met a zombie yet. Although I have met a lot of people who have self diagnosed and got it wrong - diagnoses are better left to the professionals.