I was molested by a coach when I was 10. Last summer he tried to get back in contact with me. I don't know where he is or what he is doing. He is old; I hoped for him to be dead now. I hate him more than words can describe. I want to hurt him and I want to fight back. He has taken so much happiness from me, so many years. He has ruined track meets for me by showing up and staring at me, making me uncomfortable and trapped. Eventually, I ended up not being able to run track at all. He ruined a sport that I loved more than any other sport. I want to scream to the world and expose him for who he is. I want people to know that he is a sick and disgusting pedophile who gets pleasure from touching little girls. I wasn't even developed when he used to touch me. I didn't even wear regular bras at the time. I WAS 10 YEARS OLD!! It makes me sick to my stomach to know that this person has gotten away with this horrible crime. I want to SH sometimes because it makes me feel sick in my own body. Then a couple of years after that I was raped at a friend's house. I don't know the person who did it and I have never seen him before that or ever again. I don't even know his name. I hate him too. That is how I lost my virginity. A year after that I was in an abusive relationship with someone 4 years older (I was 14, him 18) who took advantage of my pain. He verbally abused me daily, telling me I wasn't good enough, that other girls were better than me. He made me do things sexually that I did not want to do. He constantly played mind games with me, manipulating me into staying with him. He is a psychopath that only wants to hurt people in order to feel better about himself. I should have seen the type of person he was, but I was still too immature and too damaged from what had happened before. I desperately wanted a "normal" relationship. He would humiliate me during sex, call me a slut and a whore and tell me that I was worthless, to shut up and just take it. When I decided to finally leave him he couldn't handle it. He beat me up, dragging me across the room by my hair, slapping and punching me all over my body. He raped me violently that day, shoving my face into the carpet and calling me a bitch, slut, whore, saying I deserved it. Saying that I bought all of this onto myself. Some days I still feel like I am 10-14. Some days I still feel like I am getting raped all over again. It took 7+ years for me to tell someone else about it. Now I am still in shock that all of this has happened, I can't even begin to process it. I wonder how I can keep going in a body I feel like doesn't even belong to me. Sometimes I wish I were a snake that can shed my skin and grow a new one, or a hermit crab that can find a new shell. My body feels so disgusting to me sometimes, so gross and violated. I don't know how long the pain from this will last me. I thought time was supposed to heal everything, but it seems as though with this I have only stayed the same. I am sorry for the long post. This is only the tip of the iceburg of how I am feeling.