Still clinging to me *trigger warning*

[lightning05]

I was molested by a coach when I was 10. Last summer he tried to get back in contact with me. I don't know where he is or what he is doing. He is old; I hoped for him to be dead now. I hate him more than words can describe. I want to hurt him and I want to fight back. He has taken so much happiness from me, so many years. He has ruined track meets for me by showing up and staring at me, making me uncomfortable and trapped. Eventually, I ended up not being able to run track at all. He ruined a sport that I loved more than any other sport. I want to scream to the world and expose him for who he is. I want people to know that he is a sick and disgusting pedophile who gets pleasure from touching little girls. I wasn't even developed when he used to touch me. I didn't even wear regular bras at the time. I WAS 10 YEARS OLD!! It makes me sick to my stomach to know that this person has gotten away with this horrible crime. I want to SH sometimes because it makes me feel sick in my own body.

Then a couple of years after that I was raped at a friend's house. I don't know the person who did it and I have never seen him before that or ever again. I don't even know his name. I hate him too. That is how I lost my virginity.

A year after that I was in an abusive relationship with someone 4 years older (I was 14, him 18) who took advantage of my pain. He verbally abused me daily, telling me I wasn't good enough, that other girls were better than me. He made me do things sexually that I did not want to do. He constantly played mind games with me, manipulating me into staying with him. He is a psychopath that only wants to hurt people in order to feel better about himself. I should have seen the type of person he was, but I was still too immature and too damaged from what had happened before. I desperately wanted a "normal" relationship. He would humiliate me during sex, call me a slut and a whore and tell me that I was worthless, to shut up and just take it. When I decided to finally leave him he couldn't handle it. He beat me up, dragging me across the room by my hair, slapping and punching me all over my body. He raped me violently that day, shoving my face into the carpet and calling me a bitch, slut, whore, saying I deserved it. Saying that I bought all of this onto myself.

Some days I still feel like I am 10-14. Some days I still feel like I am getting raped all over again. It took 7+ years for me to tell someone else about it. Now I am still in shock that all of this has happened, I can't even begin to process it. I wonder how I can keep going in a body I feel like doesn't even belong to me. Sometimes I wish I were a snake that can shed my skin and grow a new one, or a hermit crab that can find a new shell. My body feels so disgusting to me sometimes, so gross and violated. I don't know how long the pain from this will last me. I thought time was supposed to heal everything, but it seems as though with this I have only stayed the same.

I am sorry for the long post. This is only the tip of the iceburg of how I am feeling.

 

[Freya]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You don't need to apologise for the long post - getting things said and out in the open is a very good start. I really hope that you are seeing a therapist and getting professional help to deal with what happened to you. I understand feeling that your body is gross and disgusting. Time alone does not really heal - it certainly helps to get distance etc - but healing doesn't just happen on its own - it takes help and it takes work to get there. I am sorry that you are still dealing with all of this. It was brave of you to talk about it s*

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Oh hun. I am so terribly sorry for what happened to you and what those horrible people did. I can so understand your pain... and how you just want to change your skin like that... gosh I know how you feel.

I am happy I know you are getting help; because you so do deserve to work through these things to get better. I believe you can. I truly do believe in that.
What those people did were horrible crimes. Have you reported any of it? I know it can seem scary but perhaps it would help you if they were brought to justice for what they did to you.

You are such a strong person, I know you may feel broken now, but look at you. You've been through all that, and here you are; reaching out for all the help you can get! I am so proud of you hun!

If you ever want to talk to someone who is in a similar place one on one my inbox is always open to you...

 

[lightning05]

Talking about it is still very hard for me, probably because I am so used to keeping silent about it and never telling anyone. I thought that if I ignored it it would go away and it bottled up and exploded, and that is when I first attempted suicide. The more I say it and talk about it the less powerful it feels, the hardest thing is actually just getting it out. I fear judgment and pity from people and I also hate saying it because it gives it truth, even though it is the truth. I have no reported any of it. My parents found out what my coach did a few years later, when I was still a minor, but no one did anything about it. I am still dealing with the pain from that, feeling like an adult somewhere along the line should have stepped in and said we HAVE to report this monster. I am not blaming them, but it hurts so badly feeling like no one has stood up for me and that this is something that shouldn't be reported. I do not know the name of the first boy who raped me so it is impossible to report him and I have not done anything about my ex-boyfriend. It's been about 10 years since I last heard from him. I don't want him to get away with this but it is too late. And I know that he was a loser and always will be so I'm sure he probably fucked up his own life somewhere along the line. Maybe he got reported by someone else, since I know I can't be the only one he did this to. I know not reporting it is cowardly, but I also didn't want to go through the pain of the justice system making it seem like it was my fault (which they do). It is hard for people who have never experienced rape themselves to not be judgmental and assume you had a role in it. It is the worst and the reason for many people's silence. It makes me so sad.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I can promise you none of it was your fault.

I don't know what more to say hun, but if you need to vent or something you can write to me...

I don't know if it's a comfort or the opposite but reading your post once again felt like you were holding up a mirror to me. You put everything I have and do still feel into words (I am finally getting help now though). So if you wonder if it's only you who feels that way... you're not alone with it.

s* please stay strong and know you are doing all the right things now; you are taking care of yourself and opening up, and you deserve that.

 

[Nope]

I unfortunately understand, and I know how it is to not want to even give them the chance to sit there looking smug and saying "no I didn't." Should you ever change your mind, if it's still accessible, take screenshots of his contact attempts. At the very least, someday you might decide to get him fired by publicizing it. There are people who have gone through this, and those voices are good to hear.

I know what the anger is like, and I know how emptying it is. In many relationships afterward, I would just kind of tolerate sex. KLike, 'oh, this doesn't hurt, guess I'll just kind of roll with it." Because my partner would want me to. I've taken a step back from relationships now and realized that I'm mostly into women, but am attracted, (GENUINELY and NOT because they are NICE to me) to men on occasion. I used to just be in relationships that I was uninvested sexually in because guy friends that were interested in me guilted me into it. And I'll tell you what-I didn't have sex for three years after my last breakup, then wound up having trusting, enjoyable sex with an incredibly close friend. I giggled the whole time and felt comfortable; It was an experience that I didn't think possible. It was therapeutic, and neither of us really mention it now. I keep a very personal sex life. Allow yourself time to regain control over yours. I remember many nights where I'd try to masturbate and I would get depressed because 'unwanted parties' were a lot of my sexual experiences and I would get turned off immediately, those memories would intrude and my intimacy would be ruined and I'd get upset. I have since done self-improv and talked out my fears, as a younger kid pretended that someone I loved-imaginary people, even, for the sake of allowing my mind to play along, and to get myself comfortable in my own skin-I would imagine being protected, by imaginary friends, being defended. I would act out how I wish a sexual connection would go. It helped. It sounds so cheesy, but it helped. Just go straight-up mind theatre. Imagine some guy trying to attack you, and a wolf runs up and rips his fucking face off. Whatever helps. Seriously.

 

[lightning05]

@Nope , I really love picturing the wolf ripping the guys head off. Especially because I really love wolves. I have had the masturbation as well as just tolerating sex problem. Thankfully I am past all of that now and I know to only have sex when I want to, with people I trust and the last few experiences I've had have been great. I have even become a pro masturbator because of what happened and my refusal to let anyone in (haha) but at times I do find myself guilty and nervous still. I have a good friend, me and him might give it a go if it works out. I want to work something out with someone but I also feel scared about that. There's so much complication after rape that sometimes I can't wrap my head around my thoughts. Sometimes Idk how to handle the flashbacks and bad memories.