On the surface everything in my life has been working out. The new job I started last week is going well and is keeping me busy and I know to my friends and family I seem happier. Maybe it is also my fault for pretending to be happier. However I still feel like I don't belong here. I've been sorting through so much in therapy and it can be overwhelming. Everything happened when I was so young and I just have these views and anxieties about life and am triggered easily even though I am good at hiding it. One minute I'm okay, the next I'm sad, then I'm angry, then I want to use, then I'm suicidal. I'm cycling through a lot of emotions and I know I am still depressed even though on the surface I can smile now and pretend. I don't know why I feel this way. Always weird and out of place and offended and just off. Like I am just going through the motions of life but there's always this thought in the back of my head telling me I should just kill myself. Even when things are good that thought is there in the darkest corner of my mind. I am procrastinating on finding a new therapist because I've been busy adjusting to the job and have been away the past 2 weekends. I still have yet to have my final session with my current therapist and that's going to be hard for me. I hate the way I feel and I hate myself sometimes for not being normal. It's like I can see the point of life and I can find reasons to live but I can find an equal amount of reasons to die and I just feel like there will come a time in the future where I may actually do it.
