Still

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lightning05, Jun 2, 2016.

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  1. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    On the surface everything in my life has been working out. The new job I started last week is going well and is keeping me busy and I know to my friends and family I seem happier. Maybe it is also my fault for pretending to be happier. However I still feel like I don't belong here. I've been sorting through so much in therapy and it can be overwhelming. Everything happened when I was so young and I just have these views and anxieties about life and am triggered easily even though I am good at hiding it. One minute I'm okay, the next I'm sad, then I'm angry, then I want to use, then I'm suicidal. I'm cycling through a lot of emotions and I know I am still depressed even though on the surface I can smile now and pretend. I don't know why I feel this way. Always weird and out of place and offended and just off. Like I am just going through the motions of life but there's always this thought in the back of my head telling me I should just kill myself. Even when things are good that thought is there in the darkest corner of my mind. I am procrastinating on finding a new therapist because I've been busy adjusting to the job and have been away the past 2 weekends. I still have yet to have my final session with my current therapist and that's going to be hard for me. I hate the way I feel and I hate myself sometimes for not being normal. It's like I can see the point of life and I can find reasons to live but I can find an equal amount of reasons to die and I just feel like there will come a time in the future where I may actually do it.
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Lightning, I'm sorry you feel this way, it sounds like the therapy is working though, by bringing these feelings to the surface. I know when I stopped using I was overwhelmed by emotions that had been suppressed for years. I wasn't even able to cry before that. It is pretty scary when this happens, it's hard to deal with emotions that have been buried for so long. Hang in there my friend, you'll get through this and be so much better. Just getting through this therapy is a tough go. If you ever need to talk please let me know. Take care and be gentle with yourself, it will get better.
    Brian
     
  3. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much Brian. I guess that is a good way to look at it - the therapy working by bringing everything back up and I guess that is the hardest part. I am just confused with trying to figure out who I am and I honestly feel at times that I am just not right and I don't belong. I am even tempted to start my habit all over again and just go downhill; basically just give up and throw my life away. My ideation always has to do with me throwing my life away because I just don't feel very comfortable with myself and all of my feelings. I don't know if any of that even made sense, but I hope you can see what I mean. Since I was sexually abused so young and for an extended period of time I just feel like I will never be okay. It's the thought I always have.
     
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  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Lightning my friend, I believe you will get through this and be just fine, and please don't ever give up. Yes it would be so easy to go back to the old ways, trust me I know, but this is a better way. Let the feelings come and release them, then they are gone......that is true healing. I can't imagine what you went through as a child and what you're reliving now, but you're still young and I know it will get better. I believe you will heal and have a great life, stay strong please. My worst day now is better than my best day while using.....I feel alive again. If I can help support you in any way, I'm here for you.
    Bless you
    Brian
     
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