Lately I have just been feeling like utter shit. As I've mentioned on forums before I hate my job but cannot leave until January of next year (leaving is not an option or I would have done so by now, trust me). Even though I am on the payroll and have been an employee there since May 2016 apparently now I am not seen as employee in my current position? I started out as an assistant (which apparently is seen as an employee) and now that I am an apprentice apparently I am in what my supervisor keep calling a "will hire" position. I was even told upon starting this apprenticeship that "a position is not guaranteed to me upon completion of it". I don't get it. I don't get how I can get hired in a lesser position and be seen as an employee and move up to reputable one and basically be told I can be let go as soon as my training period is over because a position might not be available. Even though the job I am doing now is a position!! The only difference will be when my training is up I will be licensed in that area of work and no longer have the apprentice title. The job is EXACTLY the same. Which should be a good thing, right? The fact that I have worked my way up from an assistant to someone who is licensed. Is it because they don't want to pay me more for my achievements and would rather just hire another person they can fire after training is done? Is that too cynical of me or is that real? If someone has any insight (I'm young so haven't had much work experience outside of restaurants and retail) as to why a company would see someone who currently works there as "not an employee".
At this point I am just wondering how I can maintain enough motivation to work at a place that shits on me daily and is basically telling me they are going to fire me instead of rewarding me for getting licensed. I wish I could just get my license and leave now. That is the torture of this whole situation: the fact that I NEED this job to get the license. But this job has become Hell for me. I cannot speak up or ask a question without being called a "problem". I have to constantly watch my back because there is a guy there who is in the CEO's palm, who snitches on people and actively tries to get them in trouble. The guy has snitched on me twice now but my supervisor has backed me up because both times I was taking an official 15 minute break that he vouched for. I basically get no respect. Taking a state mandated break paints me as a slacker. I am not seen as an employee. Whatever I say hold little weight, even though there have been 5 separate occasions I can remember suggesting something, it being ignored, and later everyone realizing that my suggestion was spot on and the correct thing to do. I can't wait to leave. Every day I have to tell myself, "it's just one more year. Just one more year and you can be free." But one year seems like forever when you are in this position.
I have finally taken the steps to register for the exams that will give me two of my professional licenses and make it easier to leave this Hell when January 2019 rolls around. Now I just have to pass the exams and finish up the last year of this apprenticeship, both of which are causing me stress. I am usually a good test taker but I have been out of school for a year and I haven't studied for an exam in a while. I know the worst thing is that if I fail I have to take it again, but obviously I am terrified of failing. I feel like the longer I have these licenses the better it will look on my resume when trying to leave Hell. I may be putting extra pressure and stress on myself over these exams because the desire to leave Hell is so great is overpowering everything I have right now. I feel like just me working at this place over the next year is going to cause me constant depression and anxiety. I'm just so fucking stressed right now I feel overwhelmed constantly.
At this point I am just wondering how I can maintain enough motivation to work at a place that shits on me daily and is basically telling me they are going to fire me instead of rewarding me for getting licensed. I wish I could just get my license and leave now. That is the torture of this whole situation: the fact that I NEED this job to get the license. But this job has become Hell for me. I cannot speak up or ask a question without being called a "problem". I have to constantly watch my back because there is a guy there who is in the CEO's palm, who snitches on people and actively tries to get them in trouble. The guy has snitched on me twice now but my supervisor has backed me up because both times I was taking an official 15 minute break that he vouched for. I basically get no respect. Taking a state mandated break paints me as a slacker. I am not seen as an employee. Whatever I say hold little weight, even though there have been 5 separate occasions I can remember suggesting something, it being ignored, and later everyone realizing that my suggestion was spot on and the correct thing to do. I can't wait to leave. Every day I have to tell myself, "it's just one more year. Just one more year and you can be free." But one year seems like forever when you are in this position.
I have finally taken the steps to register for the exams that will give me two of my professional licenses and make it easier to leave this Hell when January 2019 rolls around. Now I just have to pass the exams and finish up the last year of this apprenticeship, both of which are causing me stress. I am usually a good test taker but I have been out of school for a year and I haven't studied for an exam in a while. I know the worst thing is that if I fail I have to take it again, but obviously I am terrified of failing. I feel like the longer I have these licenses the better it will look on my resume when trying to leave Hell. I may be putting extra pressure and stress on myself over these exams because the desire to leave Hell is so great is overpowering everything I have right now. I feel like just me working at this place over the next year is going to cause me constant depression and anxiety. I'm just so fucking stressed right now I feel overwhelmed constantly.
