Struggling

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Chrile, Apr 30, 2016.

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  1. Chrile

    Chrile New Member

    Hey. I've suffered with depression on and off since I was 18, I'm now 34. I've tried various anti-depressants and landed on Venlafaxine as it helped through one episode. Last year I sank into a severe depression that resulted in an attempt on my life, somewhat unconsciously - unplanned etc. I was drinking heavily at this time too. I went back on the venlafaxine and my dosage has been gradually upped. I got to see a psychiatrist who said I had reoccurring depression - whatever that is! Anyway, I was then put on an anti-psychotic as well to help even out my moods. This worked for a while but I soon started crashing again. I pushed away people and slowly sank.
    I have now reached a fairly low ebb. I am familiar with this feeling by now, I know it well, and to some extent I am strong because of it. On the other hand, it is my biggest weakness. I am now thinking about death regularly. I already planned my ultimate demise last year, so I know what I'd do when I reach my tipping point and I KNOW it wouldn't fail.
    I keep thinking of family, the few friends I have etc and don't wish to put it on them. At the same time, every day hurts. I long to stay in bed in the mornings and sleep away as much of the day as I can. In the evenings, especially, I am consumed by thoughts of death and dying. I have been seeking out death as well (I know this isn't helping but it's like I have a monster inside of me that needs feeding this kind of stuff). I watch videos on youtube etc of people's final moments, or videos of suicides, pictures of suicides, the dead etc. It has become a fixation like it did last year (by the way, my depression last year was my worst ever, this one is quickly catching up).
    I have sought help from the docs. My meds have been upped to 225mg in the last few days and I KNOW I need to give them time to - hopefully - kick in and help. I've also requested talking therapies as I've not tried this before. I struggled to talk to people so this I dread but I know I need it otherwise I'm done for. I've fought for 16 years and I am so, so tired. Suicide is in the family on my fathers side and I must admit, I feel it in me as if it's my fate. I don't want to hurt people but I am gradually explaining myself to them over the last few years to let them know how it is for me, and to let them prepare for what I see as the inevitable. I guess it's still down to biology that there is some sort of resistance there. I don't want to die, but it feels like its drawing ever nearer all over again. I'm really tired, I need something, anything...
     
  2. I know that feeling that it is fate. I feel that too and feel like I am not going to make it to 25 (I'm 22 now). I want to tell you though that it is not true. It is a lie that the depression is telling you. You can make it. Therapy will be good for you and give you tools to fight depression. Let your meds build up in your system too. Don't act on the plans you have made. There are many avenues that you have yet to try before you should give up.

    You can do it! (((HUG)))
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. The medication will help you but depression is like a window. When the window is wide open the your are a very depressive state. When the window is slightly open the window is slightly open. You have to stay strong and forget any pans. Group therapy is brilliant as it good to talk to others about your feelings. Don't be scared of opening up as talking about feelings will help you and your state of mind. From experience it's bad to open but if walk in with the intention to open up then you will feel at easy like I did. You might be taught simple coping strategies.
     
  4. People are listening and you are valued. Just knowing that has helped.
     
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry you are struggling with this, and have for so long.

    I think its a very good idea to seek out therapy, I know it can be scary, but it does help a lot. I wish you all the strength to go through that! Do you know when it will start for you?

    Please do try to stay strong. Don't hurt yourself, and if possible try to break the cycle of fixating on death, it doesn't help you, but I bet you are already aware of that.

    Be safe, and take care of you! Don't give up the fight
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi chirile, I am sorry you are suffering so much at the moment, are you feeling any better today? I hope so.
     
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