Hey. I've suffered with depression on and off since I was 18, I'm now 34. I've tried various anti-depressants and landed on Venlafaxine as it helped through one episode. Last year I sank into a severe depression that resulted in an attempt on my life, somewhat unconsciously - unplanned etc. I was drinking heavily at this time too. I went back on the venlafaxine and my dosage has been gradually upped. I got to see a psychiatrist who said I had reoccurring depression - whatever that is! Anyway, I was then put on an anti-psychotic as well to help even out my moods. This worked for a while but I soon started crashing again. I pushed away people and slowly sank.
I have now reached a fairly low ebb. I am familiar with this feeling by now, I know it well, and to some extent I am strong because of it. On the other hand, it is my biggest weakness. I am now thinking about death regularly. I already planned my ultimate demise last year, so I know what I'd do when I reach my tipping point and I KNOW it wouldn't fail.
I keep thinking of family, the few friends I have etc and don't wish to put it on them. At the same time, every day hurts. I long to stay in bed in the mornings and sleep away as much of the day as I can. In the evenings, especially, I am consumed by thoughts of death and dying. I have been seeking out death as well (I know this isn't helping but it's like I have a monster inside of me that needs feeding this kind of stuff). I watch videos on youtube etc of people's final moments, or videos of suicides, pictures of suicides, the dead etc. It has become a fixation like it did last year (by the way, my depression last year was my worst ever, this one is quickly catching up).
I have sought help from the docs. My meds have been upped to 225mg in the last few days and I KNOW I need to give them time to - hopefully - kick in and help. I've also requested talking therapies as I've not tried this before. I struggled to talk to people so this I dread but I know I need it otherwise I'm done for. I've fought for 16 years and I am so, so tired. Suicide is in the family on my fathers side and I must admit, I feel it in me as if it's my fate. I don't want to hurt people but I am gradually explaining myself to them over the last few years to let them know how it is for me, and to let them prepare for what I see as the inevitable. I guess it's still down to biology that there is some sort of resistance there. I don't want to die, but it feels like its drawing ever nearer all over again. I'm really tired, I need something, anything...
I have now reached a fairly low ebb. I am familiar with this feeling by now, I know it well, and to some extent I am strong because of it. On the other hand, it is my biggest weakness. I am now thinking about death regularly. I already planned my ultimate demise last year, so I know what I'd do when I reach my tipping point and I KNOW it wouldn't fail.
I keep thinking of family, the few friends I have etc and don't wish to put it on them. At the same time, every day hurts. I long to stay in bed in the mornings and sleep away as much of the day as I can. In the evenings, especially, I am consumed by thoughts of death and dying. I have been seeking out death as well (I know this isn't helping but it's like I have a monster inside of me that needs feeding this kind of stuff). I watch videos on youtube etc of people's final moments, or videos of suicides, pictures of suicides, the dead etc. It has become a fixation like it did last year (by the way, my depression last year was my worst ever, this one is quickly catching up).
I have sought help from the docs. My meds have been upped to 225mg in the last few days and I KNOW I need to give them time to - hopefully - kick in and help. I've also requested talking therapies as I've not tried this before. I struggled to talk to people so this I dread but I know I need it otherwise I'm done for. I've fought for 16 years and I am so, so tired. Suicide is in the family on my fathers side and I must admit, I feel it in me as if it's my fate. I don't want to hurt people but I am gradually explaining myself to them over the last few years to let them know how it is for me, and to let them prepare for what I see as the inevitable. I guess it's still down to biology that there is some sort of resistance there. I don't want to die, but it feels like its drawing ever nearer all over again. I'm really tired, I need something, anything...
