Suicidal thoughts and craziness

[Mayle Jay]

I've been feelin especially suicidal lately mostly due to medical problems. It's hard that I've worked on this crap for so long and finally, finally found the right mix of meds to help me and now I'm forced back into this endless cycle of crap. I'm just so tired.

This next bit isn't terribly descriptive, but it does out right speak about a suicide <mod edit - method> that has occurred and speculations about delusions. Please be cautious if these are triggers for you.

In other news, I've become obsessed with the actor Jonathan Brandis who <mod edit - method> at age 27. My chest keeps squeezing whe I think about him and look at his pictures. Even worse, I feel there's a part of me that used to belong to him. It's like his soul died before his body and part of it got funneled into me when I was born. Part of the stardust that made up his conciousness is now mixed with mine. Or maybe we were just made of the same stuff. The same vat of "depressed actor with strong eyebrows" was dumped into these blobs of flesh that grew into corpses. The more I think about him, the harder it becomes to deny my feelings of connection to him. With my new breathing problems it's hard not to think about how he died and how I feel that I must also die. The questions I think about his death are terrible and I'm struggling to determine what's morbid curiosity and what is my own desires of death being masqueraded as curiosity. I don't know if I've just hit the delusional stage of whatever other mental illness I have or if everything I've ever done is genuinely effected by this dead actor. It goes against all my beliefs of science and logic. I mostly find the concept of souls to be ridiculous, but now mine feels as though I'm nearing a truth of been searching for my whole life.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Well @Mayle Jay just wow on big flash back to that era.

This definitely threw me back to the 90s for sure. Neverending Story forgot which number JGB was in and SeaQuest. Loved that show.

I'm confused for what you're saying that his soul is placed within yours? Your profile says you're 21. He died in 2003?

When I watch shows or movies when I know a famous person has died it makes the movie more sadder for me to watch not the same as it was before when they were alive. Especially the ones with Robin Williams in it for me. Maybe Heath Ledger is more acceptable but I do feel sad when I'm watching his movies as well too.
Take care

 

[Mayle Jay]

No, my soul is my own, but part of mine and part of his are the same. Honestly, it's so bizarre and hard to explain. I feel even crazier than usual.

 

[Rebreb]

Ah I didn't know he passed, how tragic. This threw me back to my teenage years, he was on the wall of heartthrobs for sure.

I have experience with soul loss and with having the souls of others in me. It's not possible that some part of him joined with you while he was alive. If you're carrying the soul of someone now, you can see an energy healer to have it removed. You don't have to hurt yourself.

 

[Mayle Jay]

I don't believe in your line of thinking, so I don't intend to see such a person, but I do appreciate your well-meaning opinion on the matter.

 

[Rebreb]

How can you not believe in my line of thinking but you believe in yours? What's the difference?

 

[Mayle Jay]

Well, it's two seperate thoughts, though they are similar. You believe in different souls sharing a body and I feel two bodies sharing a part of their respective souls. You also believe that this phenomenon can't happen while both people still live. Obviously I couldn't believe that if I feel our connection happened before his death. You also believe there are people with the ability to purge a soul from a body, but if I believe that part of him is a part of my soul, then my soul would be the one purged. Unless you mean a part of a soul can be purged, in which case even if I did believe that, it would be highly uncomfortable for me to be missing part of my soul.

Other than all that, I'm not sure I actually believe in all this, as I said at the end of my post. It's more a feeling that I suspect to be a delusion. I don't mean to offend you or attack your beliefs as I strongly believe in individual truth, but for me the scenario you describe just isn't how I feel and isn't something I can believe without feeling or witnessing it myself.

This is not a statement on you, but I do tend to shy away from avid spiritual people. They tend to flock towards me due to my vulnerability caused by my mental illnesses and get very pushy, so if I was being a bit rude, I do apologize.

 

[Rebreb]

I totally understand and thanks for clarifying your position. You weren't being rude. I wasn't clear on what you were describing.

I would question it too if I hadn't experienced it. Yes it's uncomfortable to be missing parts of our souls, and it's very common due to trauma but luckily those parts can be retrieved. I wouldn't want you to lose any part of yourself.

Whatever is happening, I hope you can find relief of it.

(You talk about soul, stardust and consciousness so it seems you toe the "spiritual" line...?)

 

[Mayle Jay]

It's definitely a new phenomenon for me to speak as such. I can't even tell you how many times I've scoffed at the idea of soulmates or awkward poetry that jumbles up ideas about the stars and the universe. Now I suddenly find that there's a piece of me, delusion or not, that directly contradicts my previous stance on the matter. I suppose my speculation on what this has been caused by sounds a lot like I am making educated guesses on what's going on, but honestly I'm mostly grasping at straws. Other than the distinct feeling of a shared part of me, I honestly have no idea what this could be other than delusions. Maybe I should consult some spiritual guides, but again, I get nervous around those who claim to have knowledge I cannot see. Again, not meant as an insult to you, but it's difficult to trust someone else's word, especially on a subject as personal as spirituality. I do appreciate you speaking with me though, our conversation has eased my mind a bit. Having someone acknowledge and not immediately dismiss my problem is a bit of a relief.

 

[Mayle Jay]

It's definitely a new phenomenon for me to speak as such. I can't even tell you how many times I've scoffed at the idea of soulmates or awkward poetry that jumbles up ideas about the stars and the universe. Now I suddenly find that there's a piece of me, delusion or not, that directly contradicts my previous stance on the matter. I suppose my speculation on what this has been caused by sounds a lot like I am making educated guesses on what's going on, but honestly I'm mostly grasping at straws. Other than the distinct feeling of a shared part of me, I honestly have no idea what this could be other than delusions. Maybe I should consult some spiritual guides, but again, I get nervous around those who claim to have knowledge I cannot see. Again, not meant as an insult to you, but it's difficult to trust someone else's word, especially on a subject as personal as spirituality. I do appreciate you speaking with me though, our conversation has eased my mind a bit. Having someone acknowledge and not immediately dismiss my problem is a bit of a relief.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Like a soulmate thing I do believe in that very much you're not crazy.