I just don't know. I know I'm off balance. This is the feeling when I know what I could do that would help (e.g., calling a friend or walking to a cafe nearby), and I am resistant to doing it. Like I want to feel shitty because that's what I deserve. Then I think maybe I deserve to die - but then I think that I don't deserve to die because I'm not good enough yet. Death is better than life, so if I dare to think I might deserve to die, that would be dressing above my station. Why am I like this? It's pretty cruel if I externalize it, as in would I tell someone else who felt really bad that they must deserve it for being awful? No, I don't like the way I would feel if I said that. Somehow it's fine to say to myself though. I know this is very common human behavior, and I still know that I'd be happier without all this self-incrimination. I'm scared. Really, really scared.