Things are getting worse

[lightning05]

I'm slowly getting worse even though I am trying to derail the depression. I can't seem to stay positive right now. Getting up and going to this job that has become to make me miserable and angry is so hard. It's hard for me to even control my emotions at work and knowing I am stuck there for another year makes it worse. If I could leave I would but then I wouldn't get the licenses that I went to school for.

I'm overcome with loneliness. I am alone every day at work and at home. I leave one place that angers and frustrates me to just come home and feel depressed and sad. During the day it's anger, at night it's sadness. Am trying to combat this with exercise, cooking, and a healthy diet but I still feel the depression coming on full force. Not a day goes by where I don't cry. Sometimes I cry as soon as I wake up. Driving has become difficult. I'm driving more recklessly. I don't know why I'm thinking these things.

 

[Baicha]

Hugs, I think you've answered your own statement - "I dont know why I'm thinking these things", - it's because your "depression is coming on full force"
These feelings are the feelings of someone who is depressed. I'm sorry you feel like this, please stay safe.

 

[lightning05]

Yeah, it's crazy the way depression affects us. I wish there was an off switch. I really feel like I can't be happy right now.

 

[Petal]

I can't seem to stay positive right now.

Posting here and seeking support IS a positive move.

Am trying to combat this with exercise, cooking, and a healthy diet

Why not joining a slimming group, are there any near you or a gym where you could possibly meet new friends too? Cooking and exercise are my to-do things too when I am down, its almost therapeutic. Join a cooking class? Google is your friend there.

How else do you think you can overcome the sadness in your life? I know you have been struggling pretty bad lately as I am often on the forums - you are always more than welcome to talk to me

 

[lightning05]

Thanks @Petal . On top of flasbbacks now I'm starting to have insomnia too. I haven't slept well in a few days. I spend half of the night trying to get to sleep and the other half sleeping restlessly. Because of financial reasons I don't want to join a gym or pay for a class. Gyms can be really expensive but I think I do need to find something to do besides being alone all the time in order to feel better. Thanks for your support.

 

[JmpMster]

When cannot sleep everything gets worse- and when things get worse it is harder to sleep. It is a horrible vicious cycle- I wish so that I had some answers for you but all I can offer is ((hugs)) and the sincere belief that you are stronger than the problems you are facing. You are still going to work and doing the things that you need to make things better long term and that takes a lot of strength- I hope you give yourself credit for that strength to stick to the plan for long term gain and hope you gain faith that the results will be worth the effort now to help get you through this period.

 

[Pash69]

I'm sorry with what your going through, I've been there, I know exactly what you mean. just going into work was a struggle, I'd catch a train in to my workplace and from the platform I could see my building and I'd be thinking " I'm going to stick my arm out in front of an on-coming train so I can hurt myself so I don't need to go in" or "I'm just going to trip myself up on the stairs so I don't need to go in" It's a horrible feeling and when your in work you try to put a brave face on it but it only takes one thing to set you off (which happened to me).
I was actually medically signed off from work because of my depression, I'm not sure what part of the world your from but can your doctor sign you off?
My doctor put me in touch with the local mental health team and it helped me, is that something your doctor can help you with?
If not, you can always come to this site people will happily listen to what you have to say. in the mean time please stay safe.

 

[lightning05]

@NYJmpMaster thank you. I am trying to encourage myself but saying that I'm still being productive by working and working out and generally trying to stay healthy since right now that feels like the only thing I can control. I have melatonin at home and am thinking about taking that to help me sleep. It's really starting to catch up to me.

@Pash69 I feel the same way about wanting to injure myself so I don't have to go to work. That's why driving has been such a struggle lately although I would never want to hurt anyone else. My job does have a medical leave but I am on the job's shit list right now. It's also a Catholic organization, so they believe that prayers are the answer to all problems. They will not react well to me saying I am depressed and have suicidal tendencies. Not sure if they would go that far, but since they are already looking for a reason to let me go I don't want them to give me one. I work in a stressful environment and they might say that I can't handle the job. I'm actually calling my old therapist to see if I can start seeing her again.

 

[Pash69]

@NYJmpMaster thank you. I am trying to encourage myself but saying that I'm still being productive by working and working out and generally trying to stay healthy since right now that feels like the only thing I can control. I have melatonin at home and am thinking about taking that to help me sleep. It's really starting to catch up to me.

@Pash69 I feel the same way about wanting to injure myself so I don't have to go to work. That's why driving has been such a struggle lately although I would never want to hurt anyone else. My job does have a medical leave but I am on the job's shit list right now. It's also a Catholic organization, so they believe that prayers are the answer to all problems. They will not react well to me saying I am depressed and have suicidal tendencies. Not sure if they would go that far, but since they are already looking for a reason to let me go I don't want them to give me one. I work in a stressful environment and they might say that I can't handle the job. I'm actually calling my old therapist to see if I can start seeing her again.

I'm really sorry your going through this, is there something your doctor can suggest you speak to, would he be willing to sign you off work so that you can get the help you need? Just remember this is not your fault, it's a medical condition and I believe employers have a duty of care for there staff (be it a catholic organisation or any other organisation). You deserve the best help you can get and I really hope you find it.
I'm sorry I've just had a look at your profile and it says your from California and I'm assuming you are still in California so I've absolutely no idea how the medical system works over there. I'm unsure if I've helped at all, so all I can say is this "I've been where you are (mentally), it's a long road with many good days and bad days ahead of you and I wish you many, many good / great days for you, I hope you get to see your therapist because my one helped me.
If you need to chat you can IM me or just reply here, please don't do anything to hurt yourself believe me when I say on this site you have friends. Stay Safe and ((hugs))

 

[lightning05]

@Pash69 thank you for your advice. I do want to talk to my doctor but I have such a fear of getting committed to the psych ward even though I am in no danger of hurting myself. Just feeling severely depressed. I am at work right now and I feel like I can barely function and nothing seems real. Even though I know I am functioning normally inside I feel horrendous. I'm too scared to take time off as I was written up for doing so last week. (There's a post on that in the rants forum I think). Last time I was at psych ward it was terrible and I felt like I was in prison. It did absolutely nothing to help me. The last time I talked to my GP they sent police to my home so I am really hesitant on talking to any doctor besides a mental health one. It seems like here they are quick to call the police or force you to be admitted and I can't have that happen right now.