This year I'm death-wanting again

[I_waste_everything]

I for one am coming to sunder "suicidal" from "death-wanting". By my thoughts, "Suicidal" means actively ready and eager to attain physical means of causing death to oneself and activating an attempt, whereas "death-wanting" is all outrage and/or demotivation toward life and a yearning to die, but not being inclined to seek/attempt the physical act.

In this mindset I am "death-wanting" again.

And that's the main thing I want to say.

For "2024" and especially "2025" I had more or less stepped away from wanting death, and being suicidal, and coasted along with where my carcass is. But this so-called "year", "2026", I am now death-wanting, and it's back with vengeance. I am pushing myself into reading temporal traditionalist output (which is easy to find, it's practically everybody else's viewpoint except mine), and the result is that I need to die. If every feeling and revelation I had that I get to learn from this and try again is a lie then I'm a lie.

Still, I'm not convinced enough that this attempt at "my" "life" is one-and-done for me to advance from death-wanting to suicidal. The again-around-corner feeling is weakened but, luckily for my carcass's heartbeat in the present, hard to kill.

Whatever the sake, I have a hunch I'll be coming back to suicideforum much more often this "year" than I have between this newest keyboard clicking and my first looking up "suicide forum" on duckduckgo in the hope of finding somewhere.

 

[Something.idk]

I get how you feel and i wish i knew what to say but i can only hope you manage to fight your suicidal thoughts before they get worse.

 

[capitalism]

Sorry for being off topic but I like that you have your own terms for your feelings and states, it actually shows a lot of internal autonomy and objectivity

 

[I_waste_everything]

Sorry for being off topic but I like that you have your own terms for your feelings and states, it actually shows a lot of internal autonomy and objectivity

Thank you for this. I have been overdue in need to hear this.

It has been snowballing since I posted this thread. I don't think this, or the truth thus-said, is to be buried, yet.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I get how you feel and i wish i knew what to say but i can only hope you manage to fight your suicidal thoughts before they get worse.

And, thank you for this. Just responding at all, being acknowledged at all, in this, upholds me.

 

[I_waste_everything]

Thank you for this. I have been overdue in need to hear this.

It has been snowballing since I posted this thread. I don't think this, or the truth thus-said, is to be buried, yet.

Let me correct myself: Not buried. I know now I hate 'burying' anything or making children feel the need to 'bury' anything. Instead, I say it is still as active as it is when I first write and post it. Whatever resolution, if þere can be any compatible with my heartbeat in this attempt on the universe, will not involve burial.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I've been digging through buried business after buries business this "year". Still, I want for an external force to cleanse this world of the blemish that is me.

It's largely frustration figuring out what I have done wrong, which I *must* as long as this carcass, anchored in this time-whatever, keeps breathing. No day must go without trying to piece together my many failures and composite failure. But it's stressful and slow and humiliating and painful. The death-wanting in part is a want for an external force to relieve me of all this.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Hello. I didn't understand it completely. Some terminologies were difficult for me to understand. I reread a part again , I understand better than before. I am sorry you have to go through this. I think it's really painful to go through life and seeing people enjoy it even whereas you just wanna die. I think your age must be a difficult place to be as well. Though , in context and according to me , 33 is young. But the world has its own pace. Which sucks who created it lmao. Hugs ? Hugs if you're okay with them. If not , that's completely fine obviously. I am assuming, I mean from what I understood after rereading. I would like you to correct me if you would want to , if I am wrong. The traditional output thing you said , do you mean - * people say you should learn from what you're feeling and thinking and it's gonna get better from then onwards. But you don't believe in it. ? *
If this is indeed what you meant , if not , as I said I am open to hearing what you mean and I will reply then accordingly.
But , if you meant this then , in my opinion you don't have to learn stuff from everything or nothing. You don't owe learning to anyone , no worldly standard but yourself. You do you. What I mean is , if you have this set idea , which you don't but people suggest it nonetheless so it kinda ponders in your head still. That , you gotta learn or you won't find a way out of the suffering , then maybe abolishing the idea itself can be helpful. This is very not the best explanation. I am not good at explaining things but I hope you get it nonetheless , if you didn't , you can indeed ask for clarifications if you would want to.
My question is , if you would wanna answer, why are you death wanting?

 

[I_waste_everything]

Hello. I didn't understand it completely. Some terminologies were difficult for me to understand. I reread a part again , I understand better than before. I am sorry you have to go through this. I think it's really painful to go through life and seeing people enjoy it even whereas you just wanna die. I think your age must be a difficult place to be as well. Though , in context and according to me , 33 is young. But the world has its own pace. Which sucks who created it lmao. Hugs ? Hugs if you're okay with them. If not , that's completely fine obviously. I am assuming, I mean from what I understood after rereading. I would like you to correct me if you would want to , if I am wrong. The traditional output thing you said , do you mean - * people say you should learn from what you're feeling and thinking and it's gonna get better from then onwards. But you don't believe in it. ? *
If this is indeed what you meant , if not , as I said I am open to hearing what you mean and I will reply then accordingly.
But , if you meant this then , in my opinion you don't have to learn stuff from everything or nothing. You don't owe learning to anyone , no worldly standard but yourself. You do you. What I mean is , if you have this set idea , which you don't but people suggest it nonetheless so it kinda ponders in your head still. That , you gotta learn or you won't find a way out of the suffering , then maybe abolishing the idea itself can be helpful. This is very not the best explanation. I am not good at explaining things but I hope you get it nonetheless , if you didn't , you can indeed ask for clarifications if you would want to.
My question is , if you would wanna answer, why are you death wanting?

My heart. I hope you'll bear with me if I want to answer this wondrous answer, in multiple answers, rather than all in one. You give me so much to hold onto here.

Starting with this: Yes please, to hugs. And thank you so much not only for reading, but also for re-reading to understand better. You heal me somewhat by doing and saying so.

 

[Congratsbaby]

My heart. I hope you'll bear with me if I want to answer this wondrous answer, in multiple answers, rather than all in one. You give me so much to hold onto here.

Starting with this: Yes please, to hugs. And thank you so much not only for reading, but also for re-reading to understand better. You heal me somewhat by doing and saying so.

🫂 You're welcome. Take your time , I will be there.