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tired of trying and confused.

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#1
so when i first came to this site i was excited to be around these amazingly strong and brave people. so this site means everything to me. i have severe ocd so ocd tends to trigger on things that you care and cherish. becuz of that im scared shitless that i would post something inappropriate or offensive comments in here. deepdown i know that i would never do anything like that ever im like the most caring person even tho i dont have any friends i care about everything i think about twice before i say something to someone. so the point is in order to reassure myself i would have to go through every comment or post that i posted last few days before i go to sleep. i would have to check letter by letter cuz im scared if i didnt check it i might have done something.to calm myself down i have to double check everything that i posted here. its so tiring and worn me out :( honestly guys i dont even feel like posting anything here and i would have to check this post thousand times before i post it. why can i have a normal life please someone tell me. i wake up each day with so much pain.the sad part is my parents dont know anything about my depression or bipolar or ocd. wish i could get some help or go to therapy but i cant. you see im the only child in my family. in 2015 i got into a university to study software engineering end of the 2016 i quit cuz of my ocd and depression and wasted alot of money of my parents. we arent very financially strong i mean we arent that poor but my parents work so hard to earn money and i destroyed their money by quitting university. they had so much hopes for me im a disgrace to them now. im 21 yo still living at their house.few years ago i went to a psychiatrist and gave me prozac and stuff but my parents thought i was faking it all so they stopped taking me there. so lets say i told them that im depressed and ocd and all , they would start telling me off that its all in my head and i spend way too much time on the computer and i dont come out of the room.they would probs cut off my internet. they are so traditional and uneducated they have no idea what is depression is why bother even explaining. they cant comprehend that i dont come out of the room bcuz im depressed not bcuz im staying in the room. i havent seen the daylight in weeks i barely talk with my parents i only come out of the room to eat or bathroom. i cant tell them that im so ill and sick i dont wanna waste their money anymore. as much as i want treatments idk how.so probs im the only person in here who doesnt get any kind of medication for depression ocd and bipolar.wish i could be catatonic so i dont have to feel anything wish i could replace myself for a catatonic person who wants to live :( im tired of feeling everything guys. there are thousands of thoughts coming into my brain every second and i have to analyze them all in order to have a little relief.some times i would analyze and analyze things over and over again for hours in the end i dont even know what i analyzed or what im worrying about cuz i totally forgot abt what i was thinking. they i get into this state of mind where im worrying about something but idk what im worrying. my hands would get all clammy or cold cuz of anxiety. i have never smoked or drank or had any kind of drugs in my life. sometimes i wonder if i had any drugs cuz i dont wanna feel this way im soooooooooo tiredd of thinking about stupid unimportant nonsense. sorry guys for typing this post this long this probs be the last post idk ill see.and i know u guys have much worse problems. i guess im not strong enough like u guys. my keyboard is getting wet from my tears right now.i love u guysss. it sucks that we all live different parts of the world why all the good people couldnt live in a one place and mean people live in an another place.idk. sorry if its hard to read my english so friggin shit.
 

Sunspots

★☆ Every Kind of Awesome ☆★
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
Oh Goth, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

I wish I could tell you to stop worrying about what you post here but I get that your OCD won't let you. It's really cool and laid back here. The only rule to really remember is to not post specific suicide methods or timelines. The admins here know how we struggle so if any rules are broken by accident they edit the post and give you a gentle reminder.

Is there anyone else you could talk to about your problems? Aunt, uncle or family friend? Somehow your parents need to understand how you feel. I'm sure it's not through a lack of care but rather a lack of understanding. Is there anyone who could speak to them on your behalf?

Please keep on posting here. We're all with you, standing by your side.
 

Lara_C

Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
I'm sorry you're feeling like this too @zuicidalgoth with no one close to you who you can talk to and who is able to listen deeply, and understand how you're thinking and feeling. I'm glad you're here though, and really hope you keep posting. You can be yourself here without fear because there's bound to be people reading this, and on the rest of the forums, who feel the same way as you. It's very important to say how you're thinking and feeling and to be completely understood. There are many people here who can relate to your experiences and how you feel, and someone will say something sooner or later which will resonate with you. I think knowing you're not alone and have others who empathise and understand will help you to suffer less and hopefully figure out how to move on to a fufilling life that you enjoy living.

You parents care about you, but they are confused and worried about you and don't know what to do to help you. They sound like they're in deep denial of your mental state. I hope you find a way to communicate with them so they can get you the support irl you might need. You should at least ask them about a medical evaluation. You can maybe then get a doctor to explain your depression to them.
 
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Sweet2th

Active Member
#5
Hi, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I understand your struggles and your desire to hide from the world. It's too big and out of our control...whereas we want to be in control. I have ocd tendencies. I have definitely gotten sooo much better over the years. My tendency was to try to control my world by constant over-analysis of everything I say, or do... it's paralyzing... literally. You can't talk to anyone, or do anything for fear of doing or saying something wrong. I get that. That's not all. In my pathetic efforts to become god of my universe, I judged and condemned people & tried to control them as well! No wonder I was so frustrated and miserable! But over the years, I was put through a lot of challenges in life's circumstances at home, at work, and relationships that really forced me to stop playing god and to accept myself with all my flaws and my life with all its brokenness. I thought that if I stopped trying to be in control, my life would fall apart. It was actually the opposite. For me, when I tried to control things that were outside of my control ie other people, unexpected turn of events, etc, I experienced chaos within myself and it paralyzed me. But when I began to tackle the chaos in my mind by controlling my fear, my anger, my selfishness, etc... little by little, I began to overcome that paralysis. I guess I can say that outside chaos exposed my fears and anxiety which made me try to become a pathetic god which worsened the fear and anxiety... it was a terribly vicious cycle. By giving up (actually waging a major battle at) my attempts to be god, I have found more freedom to just be me :) Not that it made me more "perfect", but I can accept my blemishes and failures, to start.

Please hang in there~ I know that things look very dark right now, but dawn is coming...
 
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