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Too afraid to drive

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lightning05, Apr 1, 2016.

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  1. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I want to drive somewhere and get away, yet I'm too afraid to put myself behind the wheel. Where I live you have to get on the highway to get everywhere, and that right now is too much for me to handle. I know the temptation to hurt/kill myself while driving is there. It is so scary. The way I feel now is very scary. I almost feel as though I am dead inside, walking around not really knowing where I am going or what I am doing. I have been chain smoking cigarettes and it is making my chest burn, but I like the feeling. I have never cut myself before, but I am considering it now. Lately I have just wanted to hurt myself and cause myself pain. Maybe it will make me feel like I can feel something again? I'm frustrated. I have done a lot of counseling already and I just can't seem to get better. Is there something wrong with me? I must be fucked up in the head to feel like this constantly, unable to find happiness and always beating myself up. I almost feel like I hate myself for being like this. I want out.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hun, please do not harm yourself. I understand how cutting yourself can seem like it would help... but it doesn't. It's one of my biggest regrets in life that I started doing that. I don't want to see you make my mistakes. Please try to distract yourself from that.

    Would taking a hot shower help you? If you scrubbed your body with some lovely smelling bath soap?

    Everything you feel, considering what you have been through it's natural that you are feeling this way. But you are so much stronger than you know. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take it all away and fix you in a second... but the truth is that it does take a while and it does take work to get to a point where you feel better.
    How long have you been going to counseling? I personally started a few months ago and I found (what I also know happens to others) that it is very tough in the beginning as you are opening up for a lot of things you have been trying to hide away. But along the way as you work on what is happening to you it will start to get better.

    Have you looked up DBT therapy? I believe personally that it will help me... and I hope it could work for you as well. You need coping mechanisms.

    Please don't give up hun. You've come a long way already.

    If you truly don't trust yourself could you call a crisis line or go to a psych ward for some more help?

    Also... one advice I got when I visited the psych ER a couple of weeks ago and told them I was working with my past with my therapist and it was tough they told me that for now I need to focus on the things I want to do... if it's watching my favourite TV show, if it's knitting... I need to do what I want and what I feel makes me happy, not what anyone else wants for me... or what they expect.
  3. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I started counseling with this therapist at the end of September. I've been in and out of counseling before then for a few years. I am 24 and probably started counseling when I was 20 after my first suicide attempt. I am feeling like it is a little too late considering all of my trauma happened in my preteens and early teenage years. I looked up DBT and I do plan on bringing it up to my counselor next time I see her. I also have a support group in 2 days, it will be my first time going there. I agree that I need to find some better coping mechanisms. I have a really good friend here who has been watching Netflix with me every day when she gets off of work. I'm so grateful so her being there right now and being around me when I'm like this. I am trying to do schoolwork right now and I think that it is only helping me feel worse. I'm going to put it off. I think I am going to bake a cake right now instead since I found some cake mix in my cabinet. That way the urge to harm myself will lessen. I have several crisis lines that I can call if something goes wrong.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Good hun, the school work can wait. You need to focus on what makes you happy.

    I read your posts, and I have a somewhat similar story to yours. I am 26 and I only sought help last year (but got put on an 8 month waiting list) so a couple of months ago I started getting help. I believe I can get better and I can learn to deal with this... 3 years ago I was in therapy as well, and did DBT, but I never said a word about the abuse to my therapist... so that never really worked... it is tough work now but I believe I can move forward from this. I can survive. And so can you!

    It is not too late hun. It's just a bit harder work now perhaps. But it isn't impossible.

    Keep doing things that make you feel better... go for walks, take showers, take care of your body, be kind to yourself.
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