This morning I have had my first experience being accused of stealing from the company I work at- serious, mind you, not playful- by some new guy. It's my day off, I came in for energy drinks in the morning, and he said "Stealing again" with a stone face and listed some things he suspects me of doing. I can't blame him for high vigilance, even if his wires are wound a little tight.
...So why the heck am I making this my first-ever post in the "Positive Feelings/Motivation" forum?
Well, for one, I handled this way better than a younger me would have. I know I don't steal, and walking between my car and the store is just how a parking lot works. But I still felt nervous, simply because I'm a people-pleaser by habit and get upset and worried when someone accuses me of something wrongful. But I kept it friendly, gave short answers worth about as much effort as his accusation deserved. And was upfront about being in the parking lot. I don't think I came off as passive aggressive.
For another, this opened a floodgate of fear in my mind which is continuing even as I type this, since I don't know if he'll try to make a thing about it, and I've never been in a situation like this and don't know if he'll try, or succeed, to get me fired for it.
It feels this fear, and newly-unlocked other feelings and thoughts as a result of this, are long-overdue feelings and thoughts to contend with the grow as a person, which I should have begun exposing myself to and confronting from within when I was four, five years old, easily, and especially in what was allegedly my "teens" (which I still don't believe actually were). I neglected to adult, but today I'm getting a crash course in handling fear, comparing it to knowledge, and accepting that what's going to happen is going to happen, including possible unjust outcomes- and that I'll be okay afterward either way. Plus my overdue growth into accepting that some people are going to go with a first impression and never like me.
And I sat down at this laptop and wrote it up for this forum, because these are feelings that I don't confront- at least not for long- when in the trenches of feeling suicidal. This is a kind of fear-based emotional and cognitive cocktail that, at least as I observe myself now, only happens when I want to live, and worry what could lessen the quality of such life herenow and forward.
...So why the heck am I making this my first-ever post in the "Positive Feelings/Motivation" forum?
Well, for one, I handled this way better than a younger me would have. I know I don't steal, and walking between my car and the store is just how a parking lot works. But I still felt nervous, simply because I'm a people-pleaser by habit and get upset and worried when someone accuses me of something wrongful. But I kept it friendly, gave short answers worth about as much effort as his accusation deserved. And was upfront about being in the parking lot. I don't think I came off as passive aggressive.
For another, this opened a floodgate of fear in my mind which is continuing even as I type this, since I don't know if he'll try to make a thing about it, and I've never been in a situation like this and don't know if he'll try, or succeed, to get me fired for it.
It feels this fear, and newly-unlocked other feelings and thoughts as a result of this, are long-overdue feelings and thoughts to contend with the grow as a person, which I should have begun exposing myself to and confronting from within when I was four, five years old, easily, and especially in what was allegedly my "teens" (which I still don't believe actually were). I neglected to adult, but today I'm getting a crash course in handling fear, comparing it to knowledge, and accepting that what's going to happen is going to happen, including possible unjust outcomes- and that I'll be okay afterward either way. Plus my overdue growth into accepting that some people are going to go with a first impression and never like me.
And I sat down at this laptop and wrote it up for this forum, because these are feelings that I don't confront- at least not for long- when in the trenches of feeling suicidal. This is a kind of fear-based emotional and cognitive cocktail that, at least as I observe myself now, only happens when I want to live, and worry what could lessen the quality of such life herenow and forward.
