Very angry

[sadhart]

I made the mistake of doing a search on why quiet people get judged harshly. I ended up on a site where someone asked this question and I probably shoujd have know that the answers were going to mostly be that of blaming that person.

One person said something along the lines of getting what you give, which can be true to some extent, but seeing as their are people who can be straight up assholes to others and be accepted wholeheartedly kind of contradicts that.

I don't know...it just infuriates me as I'm tires of always feeling like it's totally on me that I'm not accepted by others. I get that if I don't talk or be more open, others may not be as receptive in talking to me. And yet, I have had plenty of people be mean and hurtful over the years. And what gets me is that in some of those cases, it felt like people treated me that way in some ass backwards attempt to get me to talk. Yeah, because apparently they think I would want to be friends with someone who calls me all kinds of derogatory things.

I don't know where I'm trying to go with this. I know it was stupid of me to even bother looking up such a thing in the first place. All it dud was make me feel even more broken and flawed than I already felt. I really hate living in a world where I clearly don't have a place or purpose in. I'm sorry for rambling or not making sense.

 

[tryagain]

I understand what you're saying. I'm very introverted, and also suffer from social anxiety, so I've always been misunderstood, and judged for being too quiet or standoffish. People tend to judge and victim blame when it comes to things they can't understand or haven't experienced themselves. Blaming the victim is the easiest way to dismiss suffering, and empathy is lacking in this world. Your feelings are valid.

 

[may71]

You began your search trying to find why quiet people are judged harshly, and you found some people who judge quiet people harshly. Not everyone judges quiet people harshly though. Some people like and much prefer quiet people. Quiet people have a lot of good qualities.

 

[Innocent Forever]

I prefer quiet people as an introvert with social anxiety. In the western world extroversion is valued. In other introversion is.

 

[Windhover]

My sister, given a chance, goes on & on about that crap (getting what you give). It makes me not exactly angry but, I won't have anything to do with people who proclaim they know Truth above other people. Some people need to feel they're informing others of their point of view. In our time, as apposed to the rest of human's past history, we have the internet. It's easier than ever to pontificate and lecture others.

I hope you feel better soon @sadhart .

 

[sadhart]

Didn't have a good day yesterday. Just felt bad for most of the day, mainly because of this. This time of the year doesn't help either. I'm tired of always feeling this way.

 

[alchemist]

Didn't have a good day yesterday. Just felt bad for most of the day, mainly because of this. This time of the year doesn't help either. I'm tired of always feeling this way.

i hear you. i really do. it feels like you live within a bubble even when you go out in a social environment, and nothing can break that bubble.
i've lived with that for years.

 

[alchemist]

Didn't have a good day yesterday. Just felt bad for most of the day, mainly because of this. This time of the year doesn't help either. I'm tired of always feeling this way.

and this time of year is definitely a trigger for obvious reasons.

 

[sadhart]

I feel so repetitive saying this but this past weekend was disappointing. Did not really get much done and part of it was just feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Wednesday, we may have a short work day or not work at all, but either way, I was thinking of doing something for myself on that day and the next couple of days. And yet, I feel like this "treating myself " is going to end with me feeling bad and inadequate in some way. Sorry if that didn't make sense.

 

[Windhover]

It's a challenge to find something that's relaxing & created specifically for a treat.

Inadequate is a judgemental word, a sort of trap that implies comparison and disapproval. I hope you find an escape from all that.

During the winter holiday season I think retteating from all the loud, somewhat frantic hype is the best way to deal with it. That's how I avoid extra anxiety.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

An interesting topic. I am outspoken and fairly extraverted (I know everyone will gasp in shock at this, lol). I can't help this anymore than a shy person can help being shy. It's like pressure builds up inside me if I stay quiet. However I do try to regulate it and I am not mean. I'm just mentioning it because I am the opposite of quiet, but I don't look down on people for being quiet - I just assume it is their nature, like mine is to be outspoken.

I'm not sure those responses you shared are typical. You can always just say "I'm quiet that's just how I am" so people will not think you are judging them or deliberately withholding yourself. I think with quiet people sometimes others project onto them or think they are being quiet because they are judging.

I think in North America people are expected to be bold and also fairly stoic. I am bold but also sensitive and I've had a lot of flak for that. It's a bad combination. Sometimes I envy people who can stay quiet. I am turning to meditation and spirituality more to quiet my mind. As you can see from my signature, lol.

TLDR - be yourself. The hell with what people think. Anyone who would judge you for being quiet isn't going to be a good friend anyway. If you're worried you can always read books or articles about making good small talk. I'm actually reading one by Patrick King, because I feel socially awkward even though other people tell me I don't come across as awkward.

 

[Acy]

@sadhart — I’m sorry you hit an article that demonstrates how quiet/reserved people can be treated harshly.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain is a solid exploration of introversion and the value/power of being an introvert. Part of it is about how the hype and emphasis on being outgoing developed, and how the real value of being quiet got overlooked. She offers a lot of wisdom.

Extroverts get energy from being in a crowd. Introverts expend energy when they are in a crowd.

It is partly a learned “style,” but I think some of it is just who we are. I enjoy extroverts because they can be welcoming and get people in a group excited or involved. I enjoy introverts because I feel special to be a focus of their less “stretched” attention. Also, introverts, in my experience, often make a bigger effort to ensure that other quiet people are included or spoken to.

I value my own introversion/reserved style because it gives me time to observe others, to observe situations, to think about what I really want to say, or if I want to say anything at all. Is this the right sort of group for me? Am I the sort of person who is likely to give them what they need from a group/situation? Is there some give and take? Can I speak up a bit more if I get to know them more?
I am okay on my own for stretches of time…an extrovert would perhaps not be so happy, as they get energy from being with people. I have a really strong ability to focus on things. People coming and going don’t immediately draw me away from what I’m doing.

So there is good and bad in both styles/ways.

The key for most people, no matter what they are like, is to be themselves (as noted by @Lady Wolfshead above), and to find a balance that works for them.

An interesting point in Cain’s book is that some people sometimes have traits of extroversion and introversion, depending on the situation, the people and relationships, and the purpose of a given gathering. So neither way is better or worse. It’s just who we are.

@sadhart — if Wednesday offers you an opportunity to do something nice, whatever it is, go for it. Enjoy it as much as you can. It is for you, not for anyone else, so you get to determine what you do and how you do it.

 

[ib4uib]

Like I said, we'll be having this same conversation 10 years from now!

 

[sadhart]

@sadhart — I’m sorry you hit an article that demonstrates how quiet/reserved people can be treated harshly.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain is a solid exploration of introversion and the value/power of being an introvert. Part of it is about how the hype and emphasis on being outgoing developed, and how the real value of being quiet got overlooked. She offers a lot of wisdom.

Extroverts get energy from being in a crowd. Introverts expend energy when they are in a crowd.

It is partly a learned “style,” but I think some of it is just who we are. I enjoy extroverts because they can be welcoming and get people in a group excited or involved. I enjoy introverts because I feel special to be a focus of their less “stretched” attention. Also, introverts, in my experience, often make a bigger effort to ensure that other quiet people are included or spoken to.

I value my own introversion/reserved style because it gives me time to observe others, to observe situations, to think about what I really want to say, or if I want to say anything at all. Is this the right sort of group for me? Am I the sort of person who is likely to give them what they need from a group/situation? Is there some give and take? Can I speak up a bit more if I get to know them more?
I am okay on my own for stretches of time…an extrovert would perhaps not be so happy, as they get energy from being with people. I have a really strong ability to focus on things. People coming and going don’t immediately draw me away from what I’m doing.

So there is good and bad in both styles/ways.

The key for most people, no matter what they are like, is to be themselves (as noted by @Lady Wolfshead above), and to find a balance that works for them.

An interesting point in Cain’s book is that some people sometimes have traits of extroversion and introversion, depending on the situation, the people and relationships, and the purpose of a given gathering. So neither way is better or worse. It’s just who we are.

@sadhart — if Wednesday offers you an opportunity to do something nice, whatever it is, go for it. Enjoy it as much as you can. It is for you, not for anyone else, so you get to determine what you do and how you do it.

Yes, I actually have that book. To be honest, I stepped away from it, because I started finding the many variants of introvert and extrovert a bit overwhelming. And yet, I want to give it another read or attempt to at least.

I wish more people saw it the way you do, as far as neither being better or worse. But some people do. The hostility I have experienced at times made me feel like it was justified, but also confused as to why.

 

[sadhart]

Like I said, we'll be having this same conversation 10 years from now!

I'm sorry, but the way you say that makes me feel as though I'm not trying to improve or better myself. I do my best to take what you and others have said here, but I can't just ignore certain things. I don't know....it's like if emotions require stamina, I just get exhausted easily or something. So I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record posting, but I'm doing what I can. just doesn't feel like enough.

 

[sadhart]

An interesting topic. I am outspoken and fairly extraverted (I know everyone will gasp in shock at this, lol). I can't help this anymore than a shy person can help being shy. It's like pressure builds up inside me if I stay quiet. However I do try to regulate it and I am not mean. I'm just mentioning it because I am the opposite of quiet, but I don't look down on people for being quiet - I just assume it is their nature, like mine is to be outspoken.

I'm not sure those responses you shared are typical. You can always just say "I'm quiet that's just how I am" so people will not think you are judging them or deliberately withholding yourself. I think with quiet people sometimes others project onto them or think they are being quiet because they are judging.

I think in North America people are expected to be bold and also fairly stoic. I am bold but also sensitive and I've had a lot of flak for that. It's a bad combination. Sometimes I envy people who can stay quiet. I am turning to meditation and spirituality more to quiet my mind. As you can see from my signature, lol.

TLDR - be yourself. The hell with what people think. Anyone who would judge you for being quiet isn't going to be a good friend anyway. If you're worried you can always read books or articles about making good small talk. I'm actually reading one by Patrick King, because I feel socially awkward even though other people tell me I don't come across as awkward.

I admire what you are saying about not thinking of what others being judgmental. I don't have that kind of strength. It's hard not taking certain things to heart. I want to try being less sensitive.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I admire what you are saying about not thinking of what others being judgmental. I don't have that kind of strength. It's hard not taking certain things to heart. I want to try being less sensitive.

Well I talk a good game but I find it difficult as well to not be hurt but what others say or to mind-read their judgments. I'm very sensitive as well but whad does help me is to listen to (or read, or watch) spiritual or psychological advice about such judgments. For instance my signature file quotes.

What is also difficult when facing others' judgment is that I don't have a really stable sense of self, which I think is something many people suffer from. Which is why I constantly do my twin exercise (which I don't want to repeat because I feel like I post it 10x a day on this site). If you want info just pm me or check my other posts. I will probably put it in my signature file eventually.

 

[Acy]

Well I talk a good game but I find it difficult as well to not be hurt but what others say or to mind-read their judgments.

I think that people sometimes say things without realizing how it sounds/could sound to someone; or they are truly insensitive, selfish clods and don’t care, or they say things with no intention of hurting anyone, and don’t realize that their words or tone did, in fact hurt someone. The ones I try to avoid are the people I have seen be intentionally mean to others…without the others giving them any reason to be hurtful. Sometimes, people “retaliate,” but I don’t think that is the case with the people in our discussion, here. We might be seen as being quiet or strong and so there are unfortunately people in the world who pounce on differences and make others feel bad for it. The “mind reading” thing — I guess the solution to that is to ask the person directly (but maybe in private?) or to ask someone we are close to who is there, what they think was meant.

@sadhart — you are always so polite and sensitive to others here. You consider how your own situation might be making others feel. That is a trait that speaks of a generous and kind spirit. I’m thankful you are here and that you bring that to us.

@tryagain — It is unfortunate that some people “read” quiet as not interested in joining in, as “stand offish.” I’m glad you know it‘s them and not really you, even though it’s been invalidating at times.

@Innocent Forever — yes, values can differ from place to place. As a quieter person, I like the intimacy of a one-to-one convo. But I also enjoy being drawn out, stretching my comfort zone. I can be clown around people I know and trust and yet I’m probably a quiet clown.

@alchemist — I’m sorry you feel badly being introverted. It can have its tough moments, I know. And holidays can be particularly stressful — sometimes more people we have to be around and therefore a bigger sense that we need to be more outgoing. Some people even try to draw us out in a big booming way in a crowd (OK, that’s been ”my” experience…maybe not everyone’s) but it can be hard.

@may71 — you always provide some calm in the storm. When you post, I feel like I have a big brother who wants to look out for me.

@Lady Wolfshead, you are honest and straightforward. If you are concerned or upset or enjoying things, we know because you don’t play games, you just say things as you understand and feel them to be.

@seabird you are a kind person, too. A big heart and good sense. I enjoy reading your replies to people. You care.

@ib4uib —You also seem to be an honest soul. If I might say, I hope that we can move on from this topic within 10 years — either because we are more comfortable with ourselves, or because we’ve been able to stretch ourselves. People can grow and stretch when they are given the right tools and spaces to do so.

Sadhart, most real adults — not the ones who are adult age with adolescent mentalities — actually do accept that both introverts and extroverts bring their own special abilities to the table. I think there are some extroverts (and maybe even some extrovert-introvert mixes) out there, who feel quieter people aren’t putting out enough energy to fill their energy needs. Their unconscious body language or verbal language choices or tone of voice sound harsher then, but they probably don’t even realize it or why it’s happening deep in their subconscious…looking to feed a basic need for them. As a quieter person, I find that feels like criticism sometimes… “Ooooooh, I should say something… I need to speak up or I might as well be invisible. Yeah…Maybe I’ll just go home, now…like right now.” The secret, I think, is that we need to love ourselves whether we are outgoing or quiet.

So Sadhart, love yourself for being you. No one else can be you as well as you do you. You are the expert you. I like you the way you are. If you want to stretch or grow or change, then I’ll support you in that. If you are fine being quieter, I’ll be with you on that. Just be you. You are a very special and considerate person. Those are good qualities that not everyone has.

 

[may71]

@may71 — you always provide some calm in the storm. When you post, I feel like I have a big brother who wants to look out for me.

 

[sadhart]

I think that people sometimes say things without realizing how it sounds/could sound to someone; or they are truly insensitive, selfish clods and don’t care, or they say things with no intention of hurting anyone, and don’t realize that their words or tone did, in fact hurt someone. The ones I try to avoid are the people I have seen be intentionally mean to others…without the others giving them any reason to be hurtful. Sometimes, people “retaliate,” but I don’t think that is the case with the people in our discussion, here. We might be seen as being quiet or strong and so there are unfortunately people in the world who pounce on differences and make others feel bad for it. The “mind reading” thing — I guess the solution to that is to ask the person directly (but maybe in private?) or to ask someone we are close to who is there, what they think was meant.

@sadhart — you are always so polite and sensitive to others here. You consider how your own situation might be making others feel. That is a trait that speaks of a generous and kind spirit. I’m thankful you are here and that you bring that to us.

@tryagain — It is unfortunate that some people “read” quiet as not interested in joining in, as “stand offish.” I’m glad you know it‘s them and not really you, even though it’s been invalidating at times.

@Innocent Forever — yes, values can differ from place to place. As a quieter person, I like the intimacy of a one-to-one convo. But I also enjoy being drawn out, stretching my comfort zone. I can be clown around people I know and trust and yet I’m probably a quiet clown.

@alchemist — I’m sorry you feel badly being introverted. It can have its tough moments, I know. And holidays can be particularly stressful — sometimes more people we have to be around and therefore a bigger sense that we need to be more outgoing. Some people even try to draw us out in a big booming way in a crowd (OK, that’s been ”my” experience…maybe not everyone’s) but it can be hard.

@may71 — you always provide some calm in the storm. When you post, I feel like I have a big brother who wants to look out for me.

@Lady Wolfshead, you are honest and straightforward. If you are concerned or upset or enjoying things, we know because you don’t play games, you just say things as you understand and feel them to be.

@seabird you are a kind person, too. A big heart and good sense. I enjoy reading your replies to people. You care.

@ib4uib —You also seem to be an honest soul. If I might say, I hope that we can move on from this topic within 10 years — either because we are more comfortable with ourselves, or because we’ve been able to stretch ourselves. People can grow and stretch when they are given the right tools and spaces to do so.

Sadhart, most real adults — not the ones who are adult age with adolescent mentalities — actually do accept that both introverts and extroverts bring their own special abilities to the table. I think there are some extroverts (and maybe even some extrovert-introvert mixes) out there, who feel quieter people aren’t putting out enough energy to fill their energy needs. Their unconscious body language or verbal language choices or tone of voice sound harsher then, but they probably don’t even realize it or why it’s happening deep in their subconscious…looking to feed a basic need for them. As a quieter person, I find that feels like criticism sometimes… “Ooooooh, I should say something… I need to speak up or I might as well be invisible. Yeah…Maybe I’ll just go home, now…like right now.” The secret, I think, is that we need to love ourselves whether we are outgoing or quiet.

So Sadhart, love yourself for being you. No one else can be you as well as you do you. You are the expert you. I like you the way you are. If you want to stretch or grow or change, then I’ll support you in that. If you are fine being quieter, I’ll be with you on that. Just be you. You are a very special and considerate person. Those are good qualities that not everyone has.

Thank you for your kind words. It's hard to love myself, but I'm trying to at least be okay with myself.

Yesterday was a bit difficult. Went out in the late afternoon, which was dumb being it was the night before Thanksgiving. But there was a sale on something I wanted and apparently only one store in my area had only one copy available (video game). I felt so inadequate as there were a few couples in the store. I know that sounds pathetic but it hurt.

Then, I just felt bad the rest of the night. Not so much over the store thing, but just in general. I wasn't sure how I would deal with today, and I still don't, but I decided to go to this thing called an alkathon, which is a marathon of AA meetings throughout the day. I nearly talked myself out of it, but here I am. I'm glad to have gone. I thought about going to the movies, but maybe not as I don't think anything playing interests me.

Anyway, sorry for rambling.