What I'm going through right now-my struggles

[BlueHealingHeart]

***TRIGGER WARNING - Please be safe*** (Mod Addition)


I know I have major mood swings, I'm aware of that. I also get very angry and depressed. Right now I'm trying to do more things for myself and help myself through creativity by writing poetry, art and taking photo's with my camera. Right now I'm doing anything to distract myself. Facebook has become a huge problem. I tend to look at everyone else's Facebook pages and compare myself to others and think how much I suck as a person. Not sure why I do this to myself, but I do. However when I'm angry, I say a lot of horrible things. I don't want to get banned off of here. If I'm allowed to cuss in a thread, please pm me and let me know cause right now I'm holding myself back on what I say when I'm angry. When I get angry and sad I feel like people don't care about me, I say: "Oh life sucks!" "I hate everyone!" "F- everyone!" "I'm just gonna give up and not talk to anyone anymore!" I'm so full of anger in that moment and that's when I'm sarcastic, bitter and I say a lot of horrible things. I even say how I'm going to isolate myself and say, "I just won't talk to anyone anymore!" "Nobody cares about me, so why should I care about them!!" Than I'll cry uncontrollably for about an hour and I'll take a nap cause I feel so drained. Lots of people in my life has abandoned me when they found out how depressed I am and this is causing me to become very very depressed and full of anger. Before like a year ago I was never this bad, I got depressed cause I was in an abusive relationship and raped by my ex boyfriend, I stayed with him for 3 years. I always tried to leave him but I kept going back to him cause I thought I didn't deserve any better. I only got like this when people told me to get over things, told me to stop crying so much and just be happy. However how can I be happy when all I feel is pure sadness? I try to be happy and there's times where I am happy. I'm happy as of right now, and than I cry and after I'm done crying, I go back to being happy and think to myself. Why did I say those things? Why am I so angry? I believe it's due to the fact how people keep abandoning me, giving up on me and not being supportive of me. Look I don't except someone to hold my hand and walk me through my life, all I want is support and love and someone who understands my pure pain. I suffer with PTSD due to abuse. There's days where it's really hard and there's days where it's really easy and I'm so full of life. Right now I'm getting back into meditation. I know who my true friends are, however I'm so tired of people telling me to "get over it" They constantly keep telling me to "get over it" "move on" and "stop being a drama queen" or "your crazy!" This is not going to help me at all. Anytime someone hurts my feelings, cusses me out online or judges me, I cry and feel sorry for myself. Why is everyone so mean? I'm so loving and caring towards everyone...but yet people constantly keep saying horrible things to me. So many people has left me, I don't even have that many friends left and it's all cause I'm depressed and still suffer with flashbacks. I know I've been posting up a lot lately and it's cause I don't want to put my problems on my friends anymore. This forum is pretty much my support place right now, other than my therapist. I love my therapist and she's helping me cause I know I suffer with PTSD complex, low self esteem and other disorders. Right now I just want someone to truly understand this. I know people can only do so much for me on here, I understand that cause I know people have they're own problems. I'll help others out when I find the time, I promise. I'm not a selfish person. However right now I need support cause last night someone cussed me out over Facebook and again they told me to "get over it" *sighs* Thanks for listening.....

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Firstly, no you're not a selfish person hun. s*

I am so, so very sorry for what happened to you. I think your reactions make sense after what you've been put through. People often adapt 'voices' from other people who have influenced their life, especially if it has been negative. Have you considered that when you have those bad thoughts about yourself that it's the voice of someone else?
Does your therapist know that you do that? My previous therapist helped me with it, and my current is going to as well (in my case it's my mothers voice). My previous told me when I had those thoughts to stand in front of a mirror, look at myself and say "Shut up mum!" out loud. I don't know what my current will suggest yet... but she promised me next time we'll work on parking her in the chair next to me.

I am so sorry people have left you. I don't want to seem like I am on their side, I'm on your side hun. But some people struggle around people with mental health problems.
But one thing is that you deserve better than those who left you. I hope you find some people you can trust. They do exist and you do deserve that.

I am happy you have this place to post about your issues, and I hope it helps you! But I don't want you to shut your friends out completely, if they do want to listen you should let them sometimes.
If you don't tell your friends anything it might make them feel left out in a way too.

But I'm not too good at giving advice there, sorry hun. I personally try to leave my best friend out of my issues because she's mentally ill and I fear making her worse... so I am not much better.


Take care of yourself hun, work on loving yourself. You deserve love.