Hello, again. I haven't been here for a while for reasons but, I wanted to come back I needed someone to talk to. Lately over the past few months I feel depressed again. It's worst this time. Back in high school I would get fleeting thoughts of suicide, but I could easily distract myself. Now I just feel empty and dead inside. No matter what I do, I just can't feel anymore. I'm a little scared. One morning I couldn't bring myself to get up. Usually I can do it, because I have work to go to; but sometimes I can't find a reason to get up. I don't even care if I'm late for work or if I get fired.
I used to love drawing, I could spend three or four hours on one piece, sometimes five or six if I wanted to draw more. Now I'll draw for a hour or half an hour and spend the rest of the day doing nothing. I loved listening to music and writing, it was the same with drawing essentially, now I can't bring myself to do both. Usually writing would help me with my suicidal thoughts(ironically I would write stories about suicidal people); it's does nothing for me now. Music was the same way; now when I listen there just no spark anymore. I don't even play video games anymore, or make an effort to talk to my friends. I tried to give myself only one day to play games, which would end up being two days...then three (I give myself a limited time so I can practice more art); now I can't even play a simple dating sim on my computer. I used to be the weird one in my group of friends, I was the one who would spontaneously get us all to hang out; but now I just don't care anymore. Most of my days I spend doing nothing but looking at the ceiling.
I feel so dead inside. I don't know if I have depression. Due to the traditional "back in my day you just got over it" family I live in they won't let me go back to therapy. I have a minimum wage job, and the area I live in has ridiculous high rent prices so I won't be able to live a alone for a while. I have friends (only two), but they aren't the type of people who would understand. Crisis text lines only help some much. I just don't feel, I don't even care if I die. What are some things you all do when just feel dead? I don't know what else to do now.
I thought about creating a bucket list, which doesn't work because I just forget about it eventually. Cutting helped once, but it's a little hard to do when everyone around. I downloaded a self care app, it's like Tylenol it only helps for half of my day. What else should I try?
I used to love drawing, I could spend three or four hours on one piece, sometimes five or six if I wanted to draw more. Now I'll draw for a hour or half an hour and spend the rest of the day doing nothing. I loved listening to music and writing, it was the same with drawing essentially, now I can't bring myself to do both. Usually writing would help me with my suicidal thoughts(ironically I would write stories about suicidal people); it's does nothing for me now. Music was the same way; now when I listen there just no spark anymore. I don't even play video games anymore, or make an effort to talk to my friends. I tried to give myself only one day to play games, which would end up being two days...then three (I give myself a limited time so I can practice more art); now I can't even play a simple dating sim on my computer. I used to be the weird one in my group of friends, I was the one who would spontaneously get us all to hang out; but now I just don't care anymore. Most of my days I spend doing nothing but looking at the ceiling.
I feel so dead inside. I don't know if I have depression. Due to the traditional "back in my day you just got over it" family I live in they won't let me go back to therapy. I have a minimum wage job, and the area I live in has ridiculous high rent prices so I won't be able to live a alone for a while. I have friends (only two), but they aren't the type of people who would understand. Crisis text lines only help some much. I just don't feel, I don't even care if I die. What are some things you all do when just feel dead? I don't know what else to do now.
I thought about creating a bucket list, which doesn't work because I just forget about it eventually. Cutting helped once, but it's a little hard to do when everyone around. I downloaded a self care app, it's like Tylenol it only helps for half of my day. What else should I try?