When I think I am feeling better in life, that small voice the back of my head tells me otherwise. It tells me how shit I am and that no one cares for me.
My husband works on the road, so we don't get to talk often. When we do talk on the phone -were not even talking - he completely ignores me and focuses on everything else around him. I love him. And all I want to do is talk to him. I don't feel as though he feels the same for me. I understand that he has to work 12 hours a day, but when you work 500 miles away and don't get to sleep next to your wife, you would think that you would want to take a small amount of time out of your day to speak with her. No. I suppose not. NCIS is more important than me. Your friends that you are with, are more important to me. You tell me "Everything is fine." "I would understand if you were busy." But, when you come home I am expect to give you my undivided attention and give it all to you.
I'm getting tired of being under appreciated and feeling unloved. He tells me that he wants me to be on the road with him and then changes his mind almost instantly. I don't know what to do anymore. Being away from him makes me so unhappy and when he comes home hes a different man. I don't know what to do about this anymore. I am so torn between wanting to get a divorce and spending the rest of my life with this man.
When I think about losing him it tears my heart in half, when I think about staying with him I become sad and start to sink back into my little hole of depression. In all reality I don't know what I want to do or if I want to be with him any longer.
Three years ago when I tried to kill myself, he seemed like the light in my dark work. But, even the dimmest of lights shine brightest under the darker of skies. Perhaps there are brighter lights out there and I am just not ready to look for them. Perhaps he is my one and only light in the night's sky. Maybe I am just destined to be alone.
We talk about our future together and the small family that we will one day have- until he changes his mind about having children once again. He supports me financially, which I am grateful for (do not get me wrong, I have my own job and I am excelling at it but he is the main bread winner) but I need more then just financial support in a spouse. I need love and devotion, someone who is willing to set time out of their day from their friends and TV shows for me when they are 500 miles away. I understand that he has his own life away from home. You do need joys in life when you are working all of the time, I just want to be one of them.
And now, here I am. In a similar predicament as I was in once upon a time ago. Taking care of a younger sibling of mine, who is almost 20 years old. My grandmother- this is now becoming a burden for her- is wanting him out of the house. Who can blame her? She is almost 70. She should be enjoying her retirement and not having to worry about how she is going to be feeding my 6'2 brother, who can eat you out of house and home. The houses of my mother and my father are not places for children to be living. They are two individuals who like to take advantage of you financially, and emotionally as well. I can't let my brother go into those homes. I can't let him become homeless and fail in life. That's not something I am willing to do. But, then it comes to my thoughts. Am I emotionally stable to be doing something like this?
I did it when I was twenty, and I tried to take my own life, not shortly after it. I am 23 now, I've had three years to mature a bit more, but why should I have to be someone to take care of this?
He is a part timer at walmart. He has not decided to go to college yet.
I want to watch all of my siblings excel in life. But, should I put my own mentality at risk for it? My mentality is already not great, as it is.
I'm losing myself again.
I really, really am.
I have urges, and I know it's my mental illness doing it to me.
My doctor doesn't want to prescribe me my antidepressants any longer. I don't know why. Honestly. It blows my mind, because when I was 19 and came in with scars on my arms they were more than happy to. But, now that I have stopped harming myself that is a good enough reason to not give them to me any longer?I go on regular visits. I'm not quite sure what the issue is.
And that is also a huge factor in the way I feel and think. But, once again...how I am feeling and thinking is falling on deaf ears. When I reach out and express these feelings. They turn the other way. The thought in the back of my head is telling me to go ahead, just end it all. There are three guns in the house. My heart is telling me not to do it.
So which do you listen to? Logic? Or, feelings?
I am aware of the messed up individual that is me.
This is mainly for me, so that I could get all of my thoughts typed out, because when I talk to him about my feelings and depression and my struggles, they fall on deaf ears. Even if no one takes the time to read this, I know there will be people who have glanced at it.
My husband works on the road, so we don't get to talk often. When we do talk on the phone -were not even talking - he completely ignores me and focuses on everything else around him. I love him. And all I want to do is talk to him. I don't feel as though he feels the same for me. I understand that he has to work 12 hours a day, but when you work 500 miles away and don't get to sleep next to your wife, you would think that you would want to take a small amount of time out of your day to speak with her. No. I suppose not. NCIS is more important than me. Your friends that you are with, are more important to me. You tell me "Everything is fine." "I would understand if you were busy." But, when you come home I am expect to give you my undivided attention and give it all to you.
I'm getting tired of being under appreciated and feeling unloved. He tells me that he wants me to be on the road with him and then changes his mind almost instantly. I don't know what to do anymore. Being away from him makes me so unhappy and when he comes home hes a different man. I don't know what to do about this anymore. I am so torn between wanting to get a divorce and spending the rest of my life with this man.
When I think about losing him it tears my heart in half, when I think about staying with him I become sad and start to sink back into my little hole of depression. In all reality I don't know what I want to do or if I want to be with him any longer.
Three years ago when I tried to kill myself, he seemed like the light in my dark work. But, even the dimmest of lights shine brightest under the darker of skies. Perhaps there are brighter lights out there and I am just not ready to look for them. Perhaps he is my one and only light in the night's sky. Maybe I am just destined to be alone.
We talk about our future together and the small family that we will one day have- until he changes his mind about having children once again. He supports me financially, which I am grateful for (do not get me wrong, I have my own job and I am excelling at it but he is the main bread winner) but I need more then just financial support in a spouse. I need love and devotion, someone who is willing to set time out of their day from their friends and TV shows for me when they are 500 miles away. I understand that he has his own life away from home. You do need joys in life when you are working all of the time, I just want to be one of them.
And now, here I am. In a similar predicament as I was in once upon a time ago. Taking care of a younger sibling of mine, who is almost 20 years old. My grandmother- this is now becoming a burden for her- is wanting him out of the house. Who can blame her? She is almost 70. She should be enjoying her retirement and not having to worry about how she is going to be feeding my 6'2 brother, who can eat you out of house and home. The houses of my mother and my father are not places for children to be living. They are two individuals who like to take advantage of you financially, and emotionally as well. I can't let my brother go into those homes. I can't let him become homeless and fail in life. That's not something I am willing to do. But, then it comes to my thoughts. Am I emotionally stable to be doing something like this?
I did it when I was twenty, and I tried to take my own life, not shortly after it. I am 23 now, I've had three years to mature a bit more, but why should I have to be someone to take care of this?
He is a part timer at walmart. He has not decided to go to college yet.
I want to watch all of my siblings excel in life. But, should I put my own mentality at risk for it? My mentality is already not great, as it is.
I'm losing myself again.
I really, really am.
I have urges, and I know it's my mental illness doing it to me.
My doctor doesn't want to prescribe me my antidepressants any longer. I don't know why. Honestly. It blows my mind, because when I was 19 and came in with scars on my arms they were more than happy to. But, now that I have stopped harming myself that is a good enough reason to not give them to me any longer?I go on regular visits. I'm not quite sure what the issue is.
And that is also a huge factor in the way I feel and think. But, once again...how I am feeling and thinking is falling on deaf ears. When I reach out and express these feelings. They turn the other way. The thought in the back of my head is telling me to go ahead, just end it all. There are three guns in the house. My heart is telling me not to do it.
So which do you listen to? Logic? Or, feelings?
I am aware of the messed up individual that is me.
This is mainly for me, so that I could get all of my thoughts typed out, because when I talk to him about my feelings and depression and my struggles, they fall on deaf ears. Even if no one takes the time to read this, I know there will be people who have glanced at it.
