Howdy friends.
Sooooo, Tuesday I decided to kill myself. I'd really had it and I thought yk what-- I'm done. Typical. I was doing some final thinking and I thought again. I simply couldn't do it. Why? Because GTA VI comes out next year. And I need to play that fucking game.
If there's one single thing I think I deserve it's to play that game.
So, I got myself up, put all my things away and said screw it-- I'm going to urgent counseling.
So, I went. I've never had any counseling or therapy before. But I went. Therapist guy was GREAT, and I will be going back to him, however, he gave me two choices: Do the easy thing and get checked in to a really nice hospital-type facility OR do the hard thing and get transported to the hospital involuntarily by ambulance. Couldn't go back to my dorm, or else the police would have to escort me. So yeah. I didn't have much of a choice.
I spent five days at this place and nice is definitely an understatement. It was brilliant. Top of the tops 10/10 would do it again type place. Literally zero complaints, apart from some loud door slamming.
And the moment I get back, everything falls apart.
I've only been back for about ten hours now and I've relapsed with self-harm. It's also really bad like considered getting stitches bad so now I feellllllll like quite the failure?? Like I have all these people rooting for me and I'm right back where I started. I was genuinely happy while I was there, so I don't understand what the heck happened between then and now.
I mean, I understand it's a controlled environment that's made to feel nice and awesome and cool and it's literally designed to make you happy. I know it has a lot to do with the weight of the real world messing with me since I'm now back in it but God,
It's hard not feeling like I'm crazy. It's hard not considering hospitalizing myself or worse. I know the hospital wouldn't help me, but apparently, neither did this. I feel completely out of control. I feel like everyone's given up on me now because for some reason, I can't help myself.
Another thought is that (yk that feeling of like nobody would even miss me if I were gone) DUDE THIS VERYIFED THAT FEELING. Like, nobody even cared. And when my family picked me up, it was more like it was a burden for them to come and get me. They completely downplayed my illness and laughed when I told them about how I could have autism. It was super embarrassing.
It really sucked.
Now, I'm sitting in this dorm with these people who fucking hate me and all I wanna do is break everything and scream. And Raising Canes is closed. And I want food. And there's nothing in the fridge.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
Sooooo, Tuesday I decided to kill myself. I'd really had it and I thought yk what-- I'm done. Typical. I was doing some final thinking and I thought again. I simply couldn't do it. Why? Because GTA VI comes out next year. And I need to play that fucking game.
If there's one single thing I think I deserve it's to play that game.
So, I got myself up, put all my things away and said screw it-- I'm going to urgent counseling.
So, I went. I've never had any counseling or therapy before. But I went. Therapist guy was GREAT, and I will be going back to him, however, he gave me two choices: Do the easy thing and get checked in to a really nice hospital-type facility OR do the hard thing and get transported to the hospital involuntarily by ambulance. Couldn't go back to my dorm, or else the police would have to escort me. So yeah. I didn't have much of a choice.
I spent five days at this place and nice is definitely an understatement. It was brilliant. Top of the tops 10/10 would do it again type place. Literally zero complaints, apart from some loud door slamming.
And the moment I get back, everything falls apart.
I've only been back for about ten hours now and I've relapsed with self-harm. It's also really bad like considered getting stitches bad so now I feellllllll like quite the failure?? Like I have all these people rooting for me and I'm right back where I started. I was genuinely happy while I was there, so I don't understand what the heck happened between then and now.
I mean, I understand it's a controlled environment that's made to feel nice and awesome and cool and it's literally designed to make you happy. I know it has a lot to do with the weight of the real world messing with me since I'm now back in it but God,
It's hard not feeling like I'm crazy. It's hard not considering hospitalizing myself or worse. I know the hospital wouldn't help me, but apparently, neither did this. I feel completely out of control. I feel like everyone's given up on me now because for some reason, I can't help myself.
Another thought is that (yk that feeling of like nobody would even miss me if I were gone) DUDE THIS VERYIFED THAT FEELING. Like, nobody even cared. And when my family picked me up, it was more like it was a burden for them to come and get me. They completely downplayed my illness and laughed when I told them about how I could have autism. It was super embarrassing.
It really sucked.
Now, I'm sitting in this dorm with these people who fucking hate me and all I wanna do is break everything and scream. And Raising Canes is closed. And I want food. And there's nothing in the fridge.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
When will you meet the therapist again?
