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I hate being autistic

Soda-Voxel

Well-Known Member
#1
Now before I begin as a side note I do not hate other autistic people. They are all valid. This is simply internalised ableism I suppose, self hatred directed towards myself only.

I hate being autistic. I hate it so, so much.

Understanding nothing. Not getting jokes. Constantly being weird. Obsessing over obscure, random things. Getting frustrated by small things. Getting overwhelmed by tiny things like multiple people talking at once. Doing stupid weird stims and body movements when I feel things. Needing everything explained for me like a toddler, even sometimes then I dont understand it.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. If I had a way to remove autism from myself I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I know I'm valid, and being different is okay, I just HATE being autistic. I love other people who are autistic, I'm proud of them. But I'm not proud of me.

I HATE IT.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#2
Hey there! : )

I'm sorry you're feeling this way... For what it's worth, some of the greatest and best people I have ever known, were Autistic! :) It may not mean much to you, but it is true. And while I cannot pretend to imagine, or understand what it is you have to go through on a daily basis, just to try to live your life as the rest of us do. I can relate and know how it feels to be unhappy with something that you can't change, no matter what you do about yourself.

So, I think, I'd just like to say to You... (As you have said to others), that I am proud of you! Just for continuing to battle & struggle through, what it is that life throws at you, in terms of difficulties & challenges you've got to face. :^) Keep fighting, and just doing your best. That's all any of us can ask of ourselves, or hope to do!
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
I'm really sorry you feel that way, @Soda-Voxel , but I understand, and you're allowed to let your frustration out. *console

It's ok, I think most of us hate those parts of us that make our lives unfairly harder in some ways because society sucks (depression is one example that I personally hate), but it doesn't mean that we hate or judge people in the same situations. In fact, we relate and show compassion towards them. It makes us more openminded to other differences, too. But it's also important to show that same compassion towards ourselves...

Do you often meet with other autistic people? I feel like that may help see what's unique to them/you and what can be GREAT about it, because you would tend to see the good sides in others when you can't in yourself.

Even more importantly, you are NOT limited to your autism, and meeting others with that particular label may help you focus on what's great about YOU and that has nothing to do with it. You have a unique personality, unique interests, unique skills... You are way more than just this word, and we love the whole you, you're amazing. *hug
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#5
Hi there,
I'm really sorry that you feel this way about your diagnosis, SV. I don't live with this but I do know that a great many neuro issues like this have some real-life benefits. Dylexia, autism, anxiety -- sometimes we're so miserable with the ways it makes us feel bad, we can overlook the good.
To me, autism and people on the spectrum have great attention to detail and are analytical. You are often able to focus well, are determined and decisive when you come to a conclusion. I find people with ASD / autism to be terribly passionate about things - be it a game, family, writing, a website or whatever strikes you. This also means you might have in depth knowledge about something that others just don't have. How cool is that? People like you are typically very non judgmental, which also goes hand-in-hand with being accepting of others and being kind and compassionate. I realize it's a blanket statement but I think ASD and autism also have a very 'genuine' quality, which leads to being honest, loyal and generous.
Maybe all these things don't fit -- I'm sure they don't! We aren't all fitting into a box. But I bet if you read it a couple times you'll be able to see some reason great traits that you have in there. Is it shit not to understand subtleties? Yes, absolutely. Have a hard time with sarcasm? Not know when people are making fun of you? Yeah, seriously - ME TOO. I get it and it sucks. You do have to work a little harder at understanding others - and having them understand you - but it can be done... and it's so worth it.
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
Admin
SF Social Media
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#6
Now before I begin as a side note I do not hate other autistic people. They are all valid. This is simply internalised ableism I suppose, self hatred directed towards myself only.

I hate being autistic. I hate it so, so much.

Understanding nothing. Not getting jokes. Constantly being weird. Obsessing over obscure, random things. Getting frustrated by small things. Getting overwhelmed by tiny things like multiple people talking at once. Doing stupid weird stims and body movements when I feel things. Needing everything explained for me like a toddler, even sometimes then I dont understand it.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. If I had a way to remove autism from myself I'd do it in a heartbeat.

I know I'm valid, and being different is okay, I just HATE being autistic. I love other people who are autistic, I'm proud of them. But I'm not proud of me.

I HATE IT.
Hey @Soda-Voxel,

So I have autism, and I can completely relate to what you've said here. I can't tell you many times I've said I wish I could fix my brain. I wish there was a way to fix these things about me that there just isn't anything I can do a damn thing about. I was talking to my friend about this one day and he said "NICK, you don't need to be fixed! You aren't broken. You're alright just the way you are." While I have an extremely hard time accepting that, he truly believes that despite all my weirdness and social awkwardness, I'm not broken. I often remind myself of that conversation when I'm starting to feel like being autistic makes me too different, and too much of a weirdo, and too much of a burden to converse with.

I do understand why you feel this way. Feel free to talk to me anytime. You too are not broken, you don't need to be fixed.
 
#8
I can readily sympathize.

Being brought into a world that is already a minefield, but with autism added, is like being set loose in that very same minefield with a blindfold and feet manacled together.

Nature seems to take perverse joy in hobbling certain individuals for life.
 
#9
My heart goes out to you for feeling so much hurt. Not long ago my autistic 14 year old son was asked, what does your autism mean to you? How does it affect you? His answer surprised me. He didn’t mention his tic or his difficultly with crowded places and people, or his over sensitive hearing, his obsessive nature or his social anxiety. He said ‘where does my autism end and I begin?’ If the autism was removed who would he be? He told me that he cannot separate the two. He is who he is. You are who you are, and I am who I am. We can’t change that, we can only try to be the best us that we can and hope that people around us understand that. We all need to be understood and supported by people around us. I hope you are able to find some of that support here. Take care @Soda-Voxel
 

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