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I'll never be good enough.

Soda-Voxel

Public Access
#1
No matter how many people compliment me or my work, or tell me I matter or have skill in something. I'll never believe it. I'll never be good enough for myself.

I can't draw well or write well. The characters I make and the ideas I have are all awful, all I do is just copy ideas from other people. I can't play any games well, I can't socialise well, I don't even read books anymore. I can't sing, or dance, and my music taste is awful. I'm a hypocrite and I never accept advice. I can't even do basic tasks on my own, like making food, washing myself, or getting dressed, without help from my mother. I'm just a burden to my friends and family, I worry them all the time, and then I feel better and say I'll "get better" only to make it even worse again with the next mental breakdown. I'm toxic and an awful friend and twist people into thinking I'm a good person. Even in things there's no real way to be 'good at', I still manage to screw them up somehow!

I know, I know, you guys will say, "I'm sure you're not all those things you said." and I appreciate it! I know you guys are just trying to help. But I won't ever be able to believe that I'm a good person. And even if I have good days where I think I am, I'll always get back into a slump of dark thoughts eventually.

I'm a failure. My only purpose on this planet is to help my friends, and I can't even get that right. I just stay alive because I don't want to hurt my friends or even cause a death too. And also, as I stated in my story post, I'm afraid of dying, though that fear has been lessening.

Every. Day. it gets worse. And whenever I go to the doctor they just repeat the same garbage over and over, the meds don't work, I'm an idiot and don't follow advice and if I do it doesnt work....honestly, I'm wondering what's the point at all.

Sorry for rambling. I'm just struggling tonight. And in general. It won't stop getting worse, and I'm so, so exhausted.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. But I doubt you are a failure. You are so young and have so much time to improve on whatever you might want to do. And I imagine you are not giving yourself any credit for the things you *are* doing well. You have friends and family who care about you - clearly they see something in you. We are all screwing up all of the time, that's just being human. *hug
 

Lux

local yahoo
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. This post resonates with me so much - especially this:

No matter how many people compliment me or my work, or tell me I matter or have skill in something. I'll never believe it. I'll never be good enough for myself.
I feel this way about my photography - I think it comes with all vocations, and especially arts. I kid myself sometimes that I enjoy the buzz of the challenge and to be brilliant etc and I do okay for a bit but then I'm right back down in a slump. I don't know how to make it better, but I just keep pushing through and it helped me to focus my work on doing stuff for others etc (like photographing people who need the platform), and it does kind of help more than other stuff I've tried.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone
 

alixer

We are all one
SF Supporter
#4
It makes sense you’re exhausted. I love that you find purpose in helping people but it saddens me to think you don’t think it’s enough. I guarantee you it’s appreciated. There is no competition worth participating in that has power over your self worth. We turn life into a competition when we don’t need to. There’s no one keeping score – no one who matters anyway. You have intrinsic value. There is nothing you need to do or succeed at to have value. What we do with ourselves, well, that comes down to what makes us happy. But the beauty of that is that there is no prescribed amount we need to hit for it to be something we enjoy. Doing it is enough.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#5
So tell us, man -- why can't you do these things? There's no reason you can't make food, dress yourself or get cleaned up without your mother. That's for little kids. You are 15 years old so is it HER that is holding you back or YOU?
As for some of this other stuff --
Your taste in music is your own. If you don't like it, change it. Others must also have the same taste or else the music wouldn't exist.
Stealing peoples ideas? Well, let's be honest here, all ideas are pretty much stolen. You steal it and recreate it into something of your own is the point. Movies, TV shows, characters, all of it - it's all just someone remaking something someone else already thought up. Not many original ideas anymore.
Do you WANT to sing or dance? I can't do either. And I mean not even like a 1/10. (and I mean that honestly not in a poor self esteem way) I couldn't give one shit about lacking this ability so I have never thought to even give it an ounce of effort. Why would I? I don't care. Do you?
 

Lara_C

Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
Please give yourself a break from self-judgement @Failure-Voxel. What matters is what's in your heart, not the thoughts in your head, so instead of going round in mental circles, just let it all go for once and see how good that feels.
 

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