So.. its been a long time since I posted anything on this website. I thought I was okay, I thought I was stable and things were finally looking up... but I think I was just kidding myself. I think its about time I admitted something that I suppose I should have known all along.
I am/was in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend, its still complicated.
He has always been the more sensitive person, and I did whatever I could in my power to try and stabilise him and make him happy, to the cost of my own mental and physical health. Its taken me 4 years and some new friends to completely make me aware of what situation I have gotten myself into. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade that everything is okay. Its been nothing Physical, i think he knows that I will officially lose my patience if he dared to do that, instead its psychological and emotional. Always getting angry over the smallest of things, belittling me, cussing at me in my own home, using me and my kindness to his advantage to the point he has held me at ransom in my own darn home. I let him move in with me after I was convinced that things would settle after we were in the same place, never have I been so wrong.
I have since broken up with him, but I still let him live in the same place as I know he has nowhere else to go and nobody else to turn to... so as people have quite rightly pointed out, I am under no obligation to provide him with accommodation and he has me on a guilt leash. I have admittedly had another romantic interest in somebody else while the abuse was happening, and they are fully aware of it. He constantly brings up nonsense about how he has changed, how he wants us to get back together, how I am WRONG in saying that he gets angry over small trivial things, but he is lying to himself to make him look good!
I know now that I am sick of it, I want him out of my house and out of my life where I know he cannot abuse me and use my anymore. My family and friends have known it for the longest amount of time, and its taken me this long to realise myself. The only barricade is myself. I would feel so guilty about letting him go, about pushing him away, and he will do all he can to make me emotionally bleed if I even dared to try. I want to be free of this pain.. I want to be free in general. But I don't have the strength to do it. I feel trapped, that I am going to be in this position forever unless he moves out on his own accord... I don't know what to do.. I'm scared...
I am/was in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend, its still complicated.
He has always been the more sensitive person, and I did whatever I could in my power to try and stabilise him and make him happy, to the cost of my own mental and physical health. Its taken me 4 years and some new friends to completely make me aware of what situation I have gotten myself into. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade that everything is okay. Its been nothing Physical, i think he knows that I will officially lose my patience if he dared to do that, instead its psychological and emotional. Always getting angry over the smallest of things, belittling me, cussing at me in my own home, using me and my kindness to his advantage to the point he has held me at ransom in my own darn home. I let him move in with me after I was convinced that things would settle after we were in the same place, never have I been so wrong.
I have since broken up with him, but I still let him live in the same place as I know he has nowhere else to go and nobody else to turn to... so as people have quite rightly pointed out, I am under no obligation to provide him with accommodation and he has me on a guilt leash. I have admittedly had another romantic interest in somebody else while the abuse was happening, and they are fully aware of it. He constantly brings up nonsense about how he has changed, how he wants us to get back together, how I am WRONG in saying that he gets angry over small trivial things, but he is lying to himself to make him look good!
I know now that I am sick of it, I want him out of my house and out of my life where I know he cannot abuse me and use my anymore. My family and friends have known it for the longest amount of time, and its taken me this long to realise myself. The only barricade is myself. I would feel so guilty about letting him go, about pushing him away, and he will do all he can to make me emotionally bleed if I even dared to try. I want to be free of this pain.. I want to be free in general. But I don't have the strength to do it. I feel trapped, that I am going to be in this position forever unless he moves out on his own accord... I don't know what to do.. I'm scared...
