I understand all of this very well. Certain things people do/say just end up hurting a lot, and I get so angry sometimes that I'm just like, "Fuck this person. They don't give a shit about me. I'm done with them. I'm done giving a shit." And then next thing I know, they do something that shows me they do care or I simply get over it, and I end up feeling the exact opposite way. And it just goes on and on and on. I can't find a middle ground and it's confusing as hell sometimes because I can't figure out what it really is I feel. Do I love them and need them in my life? Or am I sick of their shit and done caring? I can't fucking decide.
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Borderline Personality Disorder | What is BPD? | Signs of BPD
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There are times when I'm certain I've been abandoned by any and everyone close. Well let me define some things. I have 8 diagnoses at this point. The two that make the most sense to me are Asperger's and BPD. My I ability to make friends could be attributed to the Asperger's. Strangely I'm married and have kids. There is a whole story to that which is important information but I am not comfortable telling it right here right now. Suffice it to say I have difficulties with my living situation. What I want is a person and people who share my interests and I theirs. I have never been able to find that and to me it must be my friend undeveloped or non-existing social skills. But I have had tentative acquaintances. These people are not really interested in me. I'm just not awful enough to be avoided and might be just a touch "interesting". So often I feel as if I'm being avoided. This makes me want to take steps to assure our association is ended. Kind of like it serves them right until I realize they won't really care then the person in question will contact me, probably oblivious to the feelings of abandonment I had been going through. And I once again feel a dependency on their attention until I realize I have no friendship. Inno, I don't know if this is BPD or not. Is this anything like your feelings? @AsphyxiateOnWords , maybe it turns out I'm completely different. I don't know. I just hate it. That's all.
and then I should probably feel bad for the people I put through it. I don't. Well when I'm not upset with them I do 
. Usually I don't put people through it. I'm not sure why it comes out with some people and not others. Why with some people I'm insecure. Maybe because the others, however much they're a part of my life I know they never will be and don't trust them to be and when they aren't there I never expected them to be. The people I care about even if they haven't ever been a part of my life so aren't likely to be, I need them or want them to be. And I don't feel bad. Because they deserve it for not being there. I do feel bad but at the moment I'm just upset with M for texting me to ask if I got a reply as she doesn't get to ask such questions when she didn't reply for 3 entire days. ARGH. (please note she's a person who often texts me to ask how I'm doing, and regardless of the fact that I only reply when I feel bad that I haven't or if I want her, she continues to reach out. Yah, I know. Sigh).
Confusing? Hmm, is it confusing?
Not fun. I wonder. It's really cool. At least we get to experience the intensity. Gosh, I don't even want that. I don't know.
Yeah, I'm being sarcastic.
. Usually I don't put people through it. I'm not sure why it comes out with some people and not others. Why with some people I'm insecure. Maybe because the others, however much they're a part of my life I know they never will be and don't trust them to be and when they aren't there I never expected them to be. The people I care about even if they haven't ever been a part of my life so aren't likely to be, I need them or want them to be. And I don't feel bad. Because they deserve it for not being there. I do feel bad but at the moment I'm just upset with M for texting me to ask if I got a reply as she doesn't get to ask such questions when she didn't reply for 3 entire days. ARGH. (please note she's a person who often texts me to ask how I'm doing, and regardless of the fact that I only reply when I feel bad that I haven't or if I want her, she continues to reach out. Yah, I know. Sigh).Confusing? Hmm, is it confusing?
Not fun. I wonder. It's really cool. At least we get to experience the intensity. Gosh, I don't even want that. I don't know.
Yeah, I'm being sarcastic.
and then I should probably feel bad for the people I put through it. I don't. Well when I'm not upset with them I do . Usually I don't put people through it. I'm not sure why it comes out with some people and not others. Why with some people I'm insecure. Maybe because the others, however much they're a part of my life I know they never will be and don't trust them to be and when they aren't there I never expected them to be. The people I care about even if they haven't ever been a part of my life so aren't likely to be, I need them or want them to be. And I don't feel bad. Because they deserve it for not being there. I do feel bad but at the moment I'm just upset with M for texting me to ask if I got a reply as she doesn't get to ask such questions when she didn't reply for 3 entire days. ARGH. (please note she's a person who often texts me to ask how I'm doing, and regardless of the fact that I only reply when I feel bad that I haven't or if I want her, she continues to reach out. Yah, I know. Sigh).
Confusing? Hmm, is it confusing?
Not fun. I wonder. It's really cool. At least we get to experience the intensity. Gosh, I don't even want that. I don't know.
Yeah, I'm being sarcastic.
. Usually I don't put people through it. I'm not sure why it comes out with some people and not others. Why with some people I'm insecure. Maybe because the others, however much they're a part of my life I know they never will be and don't trust them to be and when they aren't there I never expected them to be. The people I care about even if they haven't ever been a part of my life so aren't likely to be, I need them or want them to be. And I don't feel bad. Because they deserve it for not being there. I do feel bad but at the moment I'm just upset with M for texting me to ask if I got a reply as she doesn't get to ask such questions when she didn't reply for 3 entire days. ARGH. (please note she's a person who often texts me to ask how I'm doing, and regardless of the fact that I only reply when I feel bad that I haven't or if I want her, she continues to reach out. Yah, I know. Sigh).Confusing? Hmm, is it confusing?
Not fun. I wonder. It's really cool. At least we get to experience the intensity. Gosh, I don't even want that. I don't know.
Yeah, I'm being sarcastic.
But I only feel guilty if I flip out at someone I care about. If it's someone who doesn't really mean shit to me, then no, I couldn't care less.
Lol. Speaking of which, I guess this is probably the right place to ask this. What's the most violent thing you guys have ever done when someone pissed you off? I've thrown some heavy, blunt objects, including but not limited to ceramic ash trays, hair brushes, and coffee mugs. I've wrestled people. Punched. Kicked. Busted my ex's nose wide open. Yeah, that was mostly in my younger years, though. Lol. I've calmed down a lot since, I swear. :P But yeah, I'd definitely feel really bad after the fact if it was someone who mattered to me. It would take a lot to get me to go to those extremes nowadays. Like, my anger level would have to shoot up from a 1 to about a 12.
I flip the rules. I don't reply to messages at all. Or rarely do and occasionally do because I know the societal norms dictate I should (been asked before if I didn't like someone therefore never replied. Um, no, I just didn't realise I was meant to reply to thumbs up, or comments to status's until then). Yet if someone I care about doesn't reply to me, it means they're not there and never will be. Even if and though I rarely reply to them unless I need them.I'm not violent. Actually when I was younger the most violent thing I ever did was push my brother, he went flying and hit his head and I felt so guilty and in shock. The most violent things others have done, thinking about my manipulative sister (she I'd describe as volatile, her anger would be external, whereas mine would be internal) and my brother - broken stuff, hit, thrown people about etc. The windows in our house were all replaced numerous times. Well in the younger years anyways. Silver bent and fixed constantly. Ceramic broken. Clothes ruined etc. Nothing so major.
I flip the rules. I don't reply to messages at all. Or rarely do and occasionally do because I know the societal norms dictate I should (been asked before if I didn't like someone therefore never replied. Um, no, I just didn't realise I was meant to reply to thumbs up, or comments to status's until then). Yet if someone I care about doesn't reply to me, it means they're not there and never will be. Even if and though I rarely reply to them unless I need them.I'm not violent. Actually when I was younger the most violent thing I ever did was push my brother, he went flying and hit his head and I felt so guilty and in shock. The most violent things others have done, thinking about my manipulative sister (she I'd describe as volatile, her anger would be external, whereas mine would be internal) and my brother - broken stuff, hit, thrown people about etc. The windows in our house were all replaced numerous times. Well in the younger years anyways. Silver bent and fixed constantly. Ceramic broken. Clothes ruined etc. Nothing so major.
I think this is normal and has nothing to do with BPD. I've actually completely stopped caring about people because of this. Not that I don't care at all about them but they just aren't my friends. If you tell me you want to come over and ask me to wait for you don't when we're leaving an hour or more later go and tell me you don't want to...
If anyone reads this book, let me know. I'm recommending it without reading it - am reading through the preview - https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product...56036&linkId=592280adbd212629efe0d111807277b4 and would love to hear if I should buy it.
I really like all I've read on her site https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/bpd
@Kalicka @Supernova can't think who else offhand you may want to check it out.
I really like all I've read on her site https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/bpd
@Kalicka @Supernova can't think who else offhand you may want to check it out.
I don't know. I wonder if maybe other people wouldn't care as much or be as affected....I wonder. Like to me it means the world, and there are people I'm not friends with because I couldn't handle their like of reliability, and one of my friends I just don't trust what she says. My friends know that when I say I'll call them back, I will. That I keep my word. They know how much it means to me that they do.
I think maybe everyone cares, but that's it's not such a be all end all for everyone. Lol, I already said that.
I think maybe everyone cares, but that's it's not such a be all end all for everyone. Lol, I already said that.
Usually I get upset about that stuff because it's a precursor of people leaving me. The rate of communication becomes less and less until they're just gone. Other than that, if I don't hear from someone for a while, I think I did something wrong or something bad happened. It's just due to past experience but I know it can frustrate others.