BPD Support Thread

[Witty_Sarcasm]

It’s definitely gotten better for me over the years too, my teens and twenties were a bitch but I have seen an improvement in my thirties and added to that is the fact that I’m starting to get better help from mental health services now. Is it called “ageing out” or something like that? I think I’ve read that term somewhere before.

Yeah I was so angry in the past and would lash out. Now I direct it inwards, not that it's any better, but I'd rather direct it towards myself.

 

[Aurelia]

Yeah I was so angry in the past and would lash out. Now I direct it inwards, not that it's any better, but I'd rather direct it towards myself.

Me too. I'd start hitting, throwing shit, screaming, pulling knives on people lol...don't do that anymore. Now I've learned to basically walk away from confrontation where possible because there's literally no point in stressing myself out or lashing out at someone. It's just going to make everything worse.

 

[Aves]

Yeah I was so angry in the past and would lash out. Now I direct it inwards, not that it's any better, but I'd rather direct it towards myself.

Yeah I was like that too, that’s definitely calmed down over the years but it can flare up sometimes if I’m not careful enough with my triggers. Saying that though, it’s nowhere near as destructive as it used to be.

 

[Aves]

Me too. I'd start hitting, throwing shit, screaming, pulling knives on people lol...don't do that anymore. Now I've learned to basically walk away from confrontation where possible because there's literally no point in stressing myself out or lashing out at someone. It's just going to make everything worse.

Yeah, I remove myself from situations now too whereas in the past I’d just keep throwing gas on the fire with my behaviour and reactions.

 

[Pebble mouse]

Me too. I'd start hitting, throwing shit, screaming, pulling knives on people lol...don't do that anymore.

I can very much relate to this. I've always tended to direct my anger inward, but I spent several months living with an undiagnosed psychopath and it went further than that. I lost the plot one night in a fit of rage and badly assaulted her. I feel very ashamed about it, but yeah that's what happened. My dad forgave me, but I still think about it quite a bit. That was around 15 years ago. Not good! Oh yeah, and "she" was the evil stepmum. But in her case, she really was evil. I could rant about her all day!

 

[Aurelia]

I can very much relate to this. I've always tended to direct my anger inward, but I spent several months living with an undiagnosed psychopath and it went further than that. I lost the plot one night in a fit of rage and badly assaulted her. I feel very ashamed about it, but yeah that's what happened. My dad forgave me, but I still think about it quite a bit. That was around 15 years ago. Not good! Oh yeah, and "she" was the evil stepmum. But in her case, she really was evil. I could rant about her all day!

Aren't they all pretty much undiagnosed? Lol. It's not like they're eager to go and get any help because they don't think/realize they do anything wrong. I was married to a sociopath for 9 years, so I definitely get that. Sociopaths, from what I'm aware, are "made", whereas psychopaths are born that way. But otherwise, very similar traits.

 

[Pebble mouse]

Oh yeah, and I want to add, because I know what I did was totally unacceptable, but, several weeks before this I took a huge OD of a particular analgesic and was lucky I didn't require a liver transplant. I very well could have died. After that happened I resolved myself not to take things out on myself any more.

 

[Aurelia]

Oh yeah, and I want to add, because I know what I did was totally unacceptable, but, several weeks before this I took a huge OD of a particular analgesic and was lucky I didn't require a liver transplant. I very well could have died. After that happened I resolved myself not to take things out on myself any more.

Yeah, I've done that both on purpose and by accident before. By accident was simply due to addiction, and the purposeful one was after a breakup. Haven't done anything stupid like that, though, since my husband and I separated, so I guess I've grown.

 

[Pebble mouse]

Yeah, I've done that both on purpose and by accident before.

Lol, I've done it six times! I know it's not a competition, but how fucked up and pathetic is that! (Six OD's in total, not always on the same thing).

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Lol, I've done it six times! I know it's not a competition, but how fucked up and pathetic is that! (Six OD's in total, not always on the same thing).

You're not pathetic though, you're hurting.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Lol I used to break stuff...but I'm glad I don't anymore because that can be costly.

 

[Aves]

Lol I used to break stuff...but I'm glad I don't anymore because that can be costly.

Same, and I’d feel even worse if it belonged to someone else. I snapped my Mums phone in half in a fit of rage and after I’d eventually calmed down the guilt and shame I felt was unbearable.

 

[Aurelia]

Lol, I've done it six times! I know it's not a competition, but how fucked up and pathetic is that! (Six OD's in total, not always on the same thing).

It's not fucked up and pathetic. You were hurting and you did something impulsive. I think all of us here can understand that.

 

[Aves]

Lol, I've done it six times! I know it's not a competition, but how fucked up and pathetic is that! (Six OD's in total, not always on the same thing).

I think that’s amazing that you’ve overcome that situation, I mean I know you’ve not overcome all your problems but you’ve done so well to get where you are now. I hope that doesn’t read as patronising, I hate putting things across in written form sometimes because you can’t see someone’s facial expressions or body language lol. But please know that I’m being sincere, I honestly think that’s amazing how far you’ve come from what you’ve said.

 

[Aurelia]

Same, and I’d feel even worse if it belonged to someone else. I snapped my Mums phone in half in a fit of rage and after I’d eventually calmed down the guilt and shame I felt was unbearable.

I never went for any expensive stuff lol, but there have been hair brushes, cups, Ash trays, lighters...basically whatever I could get my hands on first. And go figure, the lighter actually hurt the most because my aim fucking sucks and even though I was aiming at his chest, it hit him right in the forehead lol...the metal part of it, for that matter. Once I realized it, I was like oh shit...I'm so sorry...I honestly didn't mean to, haha.

 

[Aurelia]

Oh, by the way, @Witty⭐️Sarcasm ⭐️, I got curious so looked up how mood rings work, and apparently there are some kind of crystals in the stone that sense temperature. But not necessarily just the temperature of your finger, the external temperature of the environment also. So if you're in a warm environment, that would explain why yours constantly stays blue. And also explains why mine started changing colors like crazy yesterday. Because at first I was inside the store, then I was outside for a a while, then back inside at work. It changed from green to blue to brown to black and then back to blue lol.

 

[Aves]

I never went for any expensive stuff lol, but there have been hair brushes, cups, Ash trays, lighters...basically whatever I could get my hands on first. And go figure, the lighter actually hurt the most because my aim fucking sucks and even though I was aiming at his chest, it hit him right in the forehead lol...the metal part of it, for that matter. Once I realized it, I was like oh shit...I'm so sorry...I honestly didn't mean to, haha.

Haha oh God I bet that hurt lol. I used to have a habit of throwing the contents of whatever drink container I had on me at the time. I remember throwing the contents of a wine glass at my ex and I was more bothered about wasting good wine if I’m being honest

 

[Aurelia]

Heh...this whole time, my ring was blue, then instart talking to my husband and it starts changing color, which means my emotions are even changing my body temperature...because the room temperature has been the same this entire time. Coincidence? I think not.

I love how he says it was never "fuck how I felt" yet his actions tell a totally different story. Words don't mean a goddamned thing if they're not backed up by your actions.

 

[Aurelia]

Haha oh God I bet that hurt lol. I used to have a habit of throwing the contents of whatever drink container I had on me at the time. I remember throwing the contents of a wine glass at my ex and I was more bothered about wasting good wine if I’m being honest

Hell, he's lucky it was just the contents and not the glass haha. Those tend to hurt too, I've discovered (through other people, LOL).

 

[Aurelia]

He tells me how he goes to sleep wondering of he's going to wake up or not...which A) hurts like hell to hear and B) it doesn't have to be that way if he wasn't so fucking stubborn and would just go to the fucking hospital. But of course not. Because even now, it's still "fuck how I feel."

But how fucked up is that that you're going to mention that to me, knowing I'm scared to death of that happening?? I reminded him of how I felt trying to go to sleep wondering where he was and if he was even alive on a daily basis...and he tells me he's sorry. Yeah, because all the panic attacks, the crying and emotional breakdowns, the wanting to die and just disappear, all that is forgettable with a simple "I'm sorry", let me tell you. That was the absolute worst thing I've ever felt in my life...even just thinking back on it now makes me cry, FFS. I told him I can forgive him, but I'll never fucking forget that. And it was all due to HIS choices. He chose to wander around all night doing fuck knows what and constantly risking getting himself hurt or killed. It didn't have to be that way. But he chose it both for himself AND, unwillingly, me. So don't fucking talk to me about anxiety because I've felt more than enough of it...almost more than I could even handle.