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BPD Support Thread
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
I have a lot of mixed feelings toward this relationship as of late. Like, i do want it to work out and shit, but he also pisses me off hardcore because he doesn't know when to shut the fuck up and has no clue how to respond to me when I get into a shitty mood. I told him what I needed from him when that happens and he still does the same shit he's always done, so I'm not sure what else to do with that.
I hope things are able to get resolved. If not, come visit me for a while. I'm kinda fun. Lol
Seems to me that he freaks out and gets so pissed because he's actually scared, though. Like, this dude was standing there screaming at me one minute, and then as soon as he goes into the shower, he texts me like, "please don't leave...I'm so scared you're going to leave." I'm like okay...you are one confusing motherfucker...lol. I kind of like that...maybe we were meant for each other because I'm just as fucking weird and confusing.
I don't know what the fuck happened to the rest of my subs, but I have a feeling he did this on purpose to try to get me off them. I wake up one morning and suddenly, I can't find yhe fucking things. I'm like wtf...they were IN this room last night, so how can they just disappear? That's not possible...he swears up and down he didn't take them. Not sure if I buy that because what other explanation could there possibly be? I've turned this room upside down looking for them. At this point, kind of giving up looking, though, and just dealing with the pain. Maybe it was exactly what he wanted, who knows...and if so, maybe it'll even work and I'll be able to get off them. I do realize that it's probably what's best for me and that he's doing it with my best interests in mind, IF he is the one doing it...so it's whatever i guess. I'm supposed to get more Tuesday morning, but maybe I won't and will just follow through on getting off them. We'll see.
I suddenly have so much trouble controlling it again in a new relationship and without a set routine right now. Even though I hate routines at times...that was probably the most stable I've ever been when I had one. Overwhelmed and not sleeping some nights, but stable for the most part. And then as soon as I started everything over again, I became fucking out of control. I'm moody, manipulative, constantly confused by what I feel, codependent, impulsive as fuck...It's like, I can't be in a relationship because when I am, I become this way. And I don't like myself this way at all. But without one, it feels like there's a void. Maybe finally being able to find my spirituality can fill that void, though, somehow. But knowing me, I'd probably still want both. I don't know how to fix me. Maybe I just can't.
How you're feeling is completely understandable. I know you mentioned elsewhere that currently it's stage 1 (not sure if they are using the TNM system) but from what I've encountered many times, throw the words "cancer"at someone and they are likely to be feeling more or less the same as you, particularly in those early days.
There have been huge advances in treatment and patient care which can at times offer more hope than in previous years. But what is also important of which I noticed quite often, is the need for support to be available for the relatives/carers of the patient which I hope will be offered to you.
There have been huge advances in treatment and patient care which can at times offer more hope than in previous years. But what is also important of which I noticed quite often, is the need for support to be available for the relatives/carers of the patient which I hope will be offered to you.
Sweetie, you can't make her care if she doesn't. All we can control is ourselves. I know you know this. What stage is it and what kind of cancer?
Look deep within and ask yourself what you're really afraid of. Of course, losing your mom would hurt no matter what...that's completely understandable. But behind that, I know for a fact, is another fear of yours. Being alone and being incapable of taking care of yourself without her. You 100% CAN do it, though. I know you can. I wish you'd realize that and begin taking the necessary steps to get to that point.
Look deep within and ask yourself what you're really afraid of. Of course, losing your mom would hurt no matter what...that's completely understandable. But behind that, I know for a fact, is another fear of yours. Being alone and being incapable of taking care of yourself without her. You 100% CAN do it, though. I know you can. I wish you'd realize that and begin taking the necessary steps to get to that point.