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BPD Support Thread
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
If only I could get over my fear of being alone...that is by far, my worst trait. Yeah, I treat myself like shit, but I deserve it. I should probably be even harder on myself. I'm just weak, and I burden and bother everybody. Nobody else I know gets freaked out if they have to spend time alone. My panic has escalated, and it seems I'm literally afraid of everything and anything. I have such bizarre, strange fears that I can't share with anyone.
It seems to me that it could be either or. People with ADHD tend to start various different activities, and then get distracted, and start new activities without finishing the original ones. Borderlines tend to start activities and also not finish them, but it's not so much getting distracted by other things. It's mostly because they get bored with the activity rather quickly or lose motivation easily. So I suppose it depends on the reasoning behind it.
I feel the same. I'm afraid of being alone because there's always that subconscious notion of, "What if, this time, you end up being alone permanently?" I'm so uncomfortable being by myself for even the shortest periods of time. And some of the things I'm afraid of could definitely be considered pretty bizarre as well.
It's the bored and losing motivation. At first it's interesting. Even cool. And fun. But then it gets old and it's really hard to out yourself through it - depends what it is. Some things I've just dropped. Lotsa things I like I pick up again. Like I printed pictures and almost finished organising them. I scrapbook sometimes. It's more I start off motivated...
I'm hoping running - from couch to 5k - lasts....
I'm hoping running - from couch to 5k - lasts....
Yeah, I do the same thing. I start off extremely motivated, like I did knitting my blanket, for example. It was that way for a couple months. Then I just stopped. I tried to force myself a few times to do at least a little bit of it, but then stopped again for many weeks. Though, I've stopped pretty much everything now. I'm too depressed, and my mental health has gone way downhill. Everything feels overwhelming and I'm barely holding on these days.
God, I don't even know how to start this. I just need to vent, I guess, or I'm going to go insane right now. There's just so much that's so completely and utterly fucked and broken at this point, that I don't think there are any words to describe it.
And so I'm sitting here thinking, like, why are Borderlines so attracted to abusive personalities? I mean, it's not like I knew from the start who he was. I didn't see a narcissistic dick who had no empathy, compassion, or respect toward me at all and thought to myself, "Yep, that's definitely 'the one'. I think I'll marry him." He didn't show me those sides of him at first. And it doesn't take long for me to fall in love or get emotionally attached, so all he had to do was be "at his best" for maybe a week or so, and it was a done deal. I was emotionally invested, and I truly believed that that's how he was as a person at the time...which, at this point, I don't know, I think may have been manipulation (like, in the sense of he realized what I needed most to feel loved and secure and showered me with it until he felt he no longer had to)? Who knows.
And then a month to 2 months later, sure, I started to see the ego, the selfishness, and lack of compassion start to surface from time to time. But I chose to ignore them. Why? Because I guess I wanted to focus on all the good more so than the bad. All the times he made me feel special, loved, and like I was the only one for him. I mean, that's like the number one thing we crave, right? Apart from, of course, their level of commitment, and knowing that they're never going to give up on us (because we're so deathly afraid of being abandoned). And I had both. I had all of that. So I chose to ignore the red flags because, despite that, I was also shown the loyalty and affection that I craved more than anything else.
And then several more months into it, I learned some pretty fucking alarming things about him (we're talking, like, red flags times ten) and the type of person he really was. But by then, it was too late. I was already in love, we were already talking about getting married, and I wasn't going to back out. And I think he knew that he's long since had me on the hook at that point, and knew I wasn't going anywhere regardless of what he said or did anymore, which gave him the freedom to treat me however he wanted.
And the more I tolerated it (because I didn't want to lose him, and didn't want to start over, and be alone again), the worse I got treated. And it kept progressing that way until, 7 years later, I came upon the realization that there were hardly any good qualities even left about him or how he treated me...like, at all. All those things I used to love about him that initially attracted me to him are now basically dead and gone. Except for, maybe, the fact that he still hasn't left me yet. But it hardly seems like enough when I get literally no respect, empathy, compassion, or understanding of any kind. All I get is belittled, criticized, manipulated, emotionally abused, and made to feel like I don't even matter. So clearly, in actuality, he's not even close to being the person I thought he was, the person he originally showed me he was.
But it's like, 7 years later, after having been through so much together, how does one let something like that go? Rather...how does someone like me let something like that go? Because if I did, I don't feel as though I'd ever be the same again. I don't feel as though I'd ever be okay again. I don't feel as though I could ever start over again...or even bounce back, emotionally speaking, from all the psychological abuse I've endured over the years. So what chance do I have, if I did that, when I know that it would completely break me? Probably beyond repair. And so I stay. I stay, and I hurt, and I still stay.
And I know that as Borderlines we're no picnic to deal with either, but out of the two of us, there's no doubt in my mind that I'm the more sane and reasonable one. And even though I get told constantly that everything is my fault (his actions, how he treats me, our overall situation, our toxic marriage, etc.), I know that's a load of shit. I've been more than reasonable, more than tolerant, more than understanding, more than respectful, empathetic, and compassionate to a person who gives me none of the same in return.
And yeah, I probably do need to "grow a backbone", as he puts it, and stand up for myself when I'm being mistreated instead of letting it happen... regardless of the consequences. Because if I don't, he'll obviously never realize that it's not okay. By his own admission, it seems, he treats me like a piece of shit because I let him. Not that that's a good excuse to treat someone like a piece of shit, but that doesn't seem to matter to him. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I do that, I could lose him or make things worse because who knows how he'd react.
I don't know. I just feel hurt, betrayed, worthless...and to be honest, pretty fucking hopeless, as well. So yeah, I'll say it again, while I know that we Borderlines aren't exactly a picnic to deal with either, why we get attracted to such toxic and abusive people so easily, and more importantly, choose to stay with them...is beyond me. The only logical explanation seems to be, (at least, judging by my own experience), is that we really are that terrified of starting over, being alone, and being abandoned. So much so that we choose these relationships over our own self-respect and dignity. And then we just use it as more confirmation that we're not good enough, and therefore, deserve to be treated like shit. So it all ends up being just...this huge cycle of crap that just goes around and around. Until maybe...one day...possibly...we choose to put a stop to it (but probably not because we're us).
And so I'm sitting here thinking, like, why are Borderlines so attracted to abusive personalities? I mean, it's not like I knew from the start who he was. I didn't see a narcissistic dick who had no empathy, compassion, or respect toward me at all and thought to myself, "Yep, that's definitely 'the one'. I think I'll marry him." He didn't show me those sides of him at first. And it doesn't take long for me to fall in love or get emotionally attached, so all he had to do was be "at his best" for maybe a week or so, and it was a done deal. I was emotionally invested, and I truly believed that that's how he was as a person at the time...which, at this point, I don't know, I think may have been manipulation (like, in the sense of he realized what I needed most to feel loved and secure and showered me with it until he felt he no longer had to)? Who knows.
And then a month to 2 months later, sure, I started to see the ego, the selfishness, and lack of compassion start to surface from time to time. But I chose to ignore them. Why? Because I guess I wanted to focus on all the good more so than the bad. All the times he made me feel special, loved, and like I was the only one for him. I mean, that's like the number one thing we crave, right? Apart from, of course, their level of commitment, and knowing that they're never going to give up on us (because we're so deathly afraid of being abandoned). And I had both. I had all of that. So I chose to ignore the red flags because, despite that, I was also shown the loyalty and affection that I craved more than anything else.
And then several more months into it, I learned some pretty fucking alarming things about him (we're talking, like, red flags times ten) and the type of person he really was. But by then, it was too late. I was already in love, we were already talking about getting married, and I wasn't going to back out. And I think he knew that he's long since had me on the hook at that point, and knew I wasn't going anywhere regardless of what he said or did anymore, which gave him the freedom to treat me however he wanted.
And the more I tolerated it (because I didn't want to lose him, and didn't want to start over, and be alone again), the worse I got treated. And it kept progressing that way until, 7 years later, I came upon the realization that there were hardly any good qualities even left about him or how he treated me...like, at all. All those things I used to love about him that initially attracted me to him are now basically dead and gone. Except for, maybe, the fact that he still hasn't left me yet. But it hardly seems like enough when I get literally no respect, empathy, compassion, or understanding of any kind. All I get is belittled, criticized, manipulated, emotionally abused, and made to feel like I don't even matter. So clearly, in actuality, he's not even close to being the person I thought he was, the person he originally showed me he was.
But it's like, 7 years later, after having been through so much together, how does one let something like that go? Rather...how does someone like me let something like that go? Because if I did, I don't feel as though I'd ever be the same again. I don't feel as though I'd ever be okay again. I don't feel as though I could ever start over again...or even bounce back, emotionally speaking, from all the psychological abuse I've endured over the years. So what chance do I have, if I did that, when I know that it would completely break me? Probably beyond repair. And so I stay. I stay, and I hurt, and I still stay.
And I know that as Borderlines we're no picnic to deal with either, but out of the two of us, there's no doubt in my mind that I'm the more sane and reasonable one. And even though I get told constantly that everything is my fault (his actions, how he treats me, our overall situation, our toxic marriage, etc.), I know that's a load of shit. I've been more than reasonable, more than tolerant, more than understanding, more than respectful, empathetic, and compassionate to a person who gives me none of the same in return.
And yeah, I probably do need to "grow a backbone", as he puts it, and stand up for myself when I'm being mistreated instead of letting it happen... regardless of the consequences. Because if I don't, he'll obviously never realize that it's not okay. By his own admission, it seems, he treats me like a piece of shit because I let him. Not that that's a good excuse to treat someone like a piece of shit, but that doesn't seem to matter to him. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I do that, I could lose him or make things worse because who knows how he'd react.
I don't know. I just feel hurt, betrayed, worthless...and to be honest, pretty fucking hopeless, as well. So yeah, I'll say it again, while I know that we Borderlines aren't exactly a picnic to deal with either, why we get attracted to such toxic and abusive people so easily, and more importantly, choose to stay with them...is beyond me. The only logical explanation seems to be, (at least, judging by my own experience), is that we really are that terrified of starting over, being alone, and being abandoned. So much so that we choose these relationships over our own self-respect and dignity. And then we just use it as more confirmation that we're not good enough, and therefore, deserve to be treated like shit. So it all ends up being just...this huge cycle of crap that just goes around and around. Until maybe...one day...possibly...we choose to put a stop to it (but probably not because we're us).
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I get it. Obviously my situation is very different from yours. But yeah, he was Mr Perfect at first. But as soon as he put a ring on it he changed. It's like he didn't have to bother any more, he'd won. It wasn't all bad, we managed to create and bring up two amazing human beings, but over the 30 years we've been married he has gradually taken every single bit of self esteem and confidence I had. The affairs, the constant criticism, the endless digs and jokes about my weight, the total lack of affection, the financial control. I've thought about leaving for years, wished he would have another affair and leave me so I wouldn't have to make an impossible decision. Because I knew with absolute certainty I could never leave. How could I make a decision that would break me? I'd never be able to survive without him, on my own. I was too inept, too lazy, too stupid.
But maybe the last three years of therapy have gradually seeped into my head. I began to realise that I did deserve better. That what he was doing was a form of abuse, even if he didn't realise he was doing it. And bit by bit, deep inside, my confidence was building. I began to realise that being on my own might even have some benefits. I still didn't know if I'd ever have the confidence to leave though. What if I made that decision and it got even worse? That would all be my fault. It felt like a game of Russian Roulette - I'd make that decision with a 50/50 chance that it could kill me. I felt totally trapped. Until two weeks ago when I asked him for a hug and he refused. I finally snapped and walked out. Told him I couldn't live like this, I'd rather be on my own. And I 100% meant it, mean it. I knew at that precise moment it was the right thing to do.
I went back a week later. It turns out trying to leave someone in the middle of a pandemic lockdown isn't actually very easy, options are very limited unless I wanted to sleep in my car. But I went home with my head held high and the knowledge that it was going to change for the better, one way or another. He has agreed to come to counseling with me when we're allowed to - this is a huge step for him. I honestly don't know if he's capable of changing, even if he wants to. But I do know that I deserve better and I'm fully prepared to leave him to find it if I need to. There's even now a little bit of me that's actually quite excited at the prospect.
I don't know what changed, maybe all the therapy has done its job. Maybe I did just snap. I know if I do leave it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. It will break my heart. But I'll get over it and the result has got to be better than this, because it's slowly killing me.
But maybe the last three years of therapy have gradually seeped into my head. I began to realise that I did deserve better. That what he was doing was a form of abuse, even if he didn't realise he was doing it. And bit by bit, deep inside, my confidence was building. I began to realise that being on my own might even have some benefits. I still didn't know if I'd ever have the confidence to leave though. What if I made that decision and it got even worse? That would all be my fault. It felt like a game of Russian Roulette - I'd make that decision with a 50/50 chance that it could kill me. I felt totally trapped. Until two weeks ago when I asked him for a hug and he refused. I finally snapped and walked out. Told him I couldn't live like this, I'd rather be on my own. And I 100% meant it, mean it. I knew at that precise moment it was the right thing to do.
I went back a week later. It turns out trying to leave someone in the middle of a pandemic lockdown isn't actually very easy, options are very limited unless I wanted to sleep in my car. But I went home with my head held high and the knowledge that it was going to change for the better, one way or another. He has agreed to come to counseling with me when we're allowed to - this is a huge step for him. I honestly don't know if he's capable of changing, even if he wants to. But I do know that I deserve better and I'm fully prepared to leave him to find it if I need to. There's even now a little bit of me that's actually quite excited at the prospect.
I don't know what changed, maybe all the therapy has done its job. Maybe I did just snap. I know if I do leave it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. It will break my heart. But I'll get over it and the result has got to be better than this, because it's slowly killing me.
You are such an incredible woman, Lu. You really are. After everything you've been through with this man...I mean, you've basically spent over half your life with him, and he's taken you for granted and treated you like shit over and over again, for so many years. And you've endured it all, and here you are, finally ready to do what's right for you...ready to take back your dignity and say, "I deserve better". And not just say it, but actually make it happen. That's so huge. I can't even begin to tell you how strong I think you are for that. And if you can get to that place after everything you've been through, it gives me some hope that maybe I can as well. I know it feels like it's something we won't be able to survive in the end. But I, personally, have been amazed over the years at my own resilience and how much I actually could survive and bounce back from. And after 30 years of mostly pain and abuse, I'm sure you've realized the same. Our brains may tell us consistently that we can't survive this, but it seems as though when it really comes down to it, and it becomes evident that our worst fears have become our reality, we do everything we can in order TO survive. And we end up surprising ourselves with how much fight we actually have inside of us that we never thought we had.
Thank you. It really means a lot that there are people here who can truly relate to my feelings, my situation, and even thinking process. Hell, there are so many times when I feel like I'm completely alone in this, and that I'm a total freak for letting my fears basically dictate my actions and ruin my life over the years. But seeing yours and Lu's responses, I know that I'm not alone, and that there are others who think the same things, want the same things, others who are also hurting the same as I am, and others who have made the same bad choices, based on the same fears of being abandoned and alone. It makes me feel understood and grateful to have you guys voice your thoughts and experiences like this.
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Honestly, sometimes it's so hard to voice my thought process because I become so overwhelmed with all the emotion, and it seems like it takes so much effort to contain it all without feeling like I'm going to fucking explode. So I do very much appreciate the compliment when you say that I'm eloquent in how I express myself.
But I do want you to know that you're not alone if you constantly feel as though there's, like, a fucking tornado of crap, whirling around inside your brain, making you feel basically every single negative emotion imaginable. And it's all so intensified, that you don't know what the fuck to do with yourself. And you don't know what words to say, even though you feel like there's so much that needs to be said. It's just so hard to get anything out in a way that does what you feel in your heart and mind any kind of justice. I fully understand that, I really do.
I don't know. Sometimes, I just start writing and writing, in the midst of all the emotion. And then I read it back to myself, and I'm like, "Okay, this sounds somewhat comparable to what I'm feeling. I can post that, I guess." And then other times, I try to find the right words, constantly keep writing and then deleting, and writing and then deleting some more, until I'm finally like, "Okay, fuck this. Everything I'm saying just sounds fucking stupid, and whiny...and there's no point. I guess I'll just delete it all, and try to deal with it in my own head. Alone." Which obviously isn't healthy, but it definitely happens to me. So if it happens to you also, I want you to know, you're not alone.
But I do want you to know that you're not alone if you constantly feel as though there's, like, a fucking tornado of crap, whirling around inside your brain, making you feel basically every single negative emotion imaginable. And it's all so intensified, that you don't know what the fuck to do with yourself. And you don't know what words to say, even though you feel like there's so much that needs to be said. It's just so hard to get anything out in a way that does what you feel in your heart and mind any kind of justice. I fully understand that, I really do.
I don't know. Sometimes, I just start writing and writing, in the midst of all the emotion. And then I read it back to myself, and I'm like, "Okay, this sounds somewhat comparable to what I'm feeling. I can post that, I guess." And then other times, I try to find the right words, constantly keep writing and then deleting, and writing and then deleting some more, until I'm finally like, "Okay, fuck this. Everything I'm saying just sounds fucking stupid, and whiny...and there's no point. I guess I'll just delete it all, and try to deal with it in my own head. Alone." Which obviously isn't healthy, but it definitely happens to me. So if it happens to you also, I want you to know, you're not alone.