BPD Support Thread

[Aurelia]

Freak that I am, I wish I could be institutionalized for life. Then I wouldn't have to be alone. I don't care if I spend the rest of my days at a funny farm. Hopefully, no one is offended by that description. No harm meant.

I think if I was single I'd probably feel the same way, but because I'm not, even just spending a day or two away makes me nervous as hell.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

I told my mom if she drinks herself to death, I'll be completely on my own, and my chances of suicide go up. She said that is not her problem. She doesn't quite grasp why it's hard for someone with BPD to be alone, and she said I would need to get used to it. I said I simply refuse to be absolutely alone or I'm dead.

 

[Aurelia]

I told my mom if she drinks herself to death, I'll be completely on my own, and my chances of suicide go up. She said that is not her problem. She doesn't quite grasp why it's hard for someone with BPD to be alone, and she said I would need to get used to it. I said I simply refuse to be absolutely alone or I'm dead.

Isn't it great when people don't consider your feelings their problem, but then still claim to care about you? Both can't be true at the same time.

 

[Aurelia]

"Specifically, literature linking BPD to dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system (including deficits in endogenous opioids and more sensitive endogenous opioid system receptors; Bandelow et al., 2010, New and Stanley, 2010; Stanley and Siever, 2010) suggests that substances that activate this system may be more reinforcing for individuals with BPD pathology than those with typically developed endogenous opioid systems, increasing risk for the misuse of these substances within this population. "

Well, that makes a lot of sense. For those of you who don't know what endogenous opioids are, they're the body's natural opioids, and apparently, those of us with BPD don't have a sufficient amount of them. That's just swell. So that's why I've been sticking needles in my arms for the past decade.

 

[Innocent Forever]

"Specifically, literature linking BPD to dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system (including deficits in endogenous opioids and more sensitive endogenous opioid system receptors; Bandelow et al., 2010, New and Stanley, 2010; Stanley and Siever, 2010) suggests that substances that activate this system may be more reinforcing for individuals with BPD pathology than those with typically developed endogenous opioid systems, increasing risk for the misuse of these substances within this population. "

Well, that makes a lot of sense. For those of you who don't know what endogenous opioids are, they're the body's natural opioids, and apparently, those of us with BPD don't have a sufficient amount of them. That's just swell. So that's why I've been sticking needles in my arms for the past decade.

That's actually really interesting.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

I could have sworn I had a therapy appointment for today, but there was nothing listed. Granted, I usually have them on Mondays, but I was sure that one of them was on a Wednesday. I could be wrong though, but there's no confirmation either way. If I did miss it, then it was purely on accident. But still, no one has even sent me a message about where I was or how I am or if something happened to me. I know it's stupid but I feel like maybe she doesn't like me and I'm just wasting her time.

 

[Angie74]

This disorder continues to wreak havoc with my life. I always think I'm being rejected or abandoned, and my impulse control is poorer than ever. I am very emotionally reactive. I'm so tired of the intensity. I think BPD makes my other 4 mental disorders worse. Or I don't know. I guess all of them together just create a gigantic, horrific mess, that I'm trying to survive, almost minute by minute. And the self hatred is relentless. I am so tired...

 

[Dream.scythe]

"Specifically, literature linking BPD to dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system (including deficits in endogenous opioids and more sensitive endogenous opioid system receptors; Bandelow et al., 2010, New and Stanley, 2010; Stanley and Siever, 2010) suggests that substances that activate this system may be more reinforcing for individuals with BPD pathology than those with typically developed endogenous opioid systems, increasing risk for the misuse of these substances within this population. "

Well, that makes a lot of sense. For those of you who don't know what endogenous opioids are, they're the body's natural opioids, and apparently, those of us with BPD don't have a sufficient amount of them. That's just swell. So that's why I've been sticking needles in my arms for the past decade.

Is that why I peel the skin off my lips until they bleed? Is this why I enjoy it? Is this why the pain almost turns me on??

As someone who cannot afford diagnosis or treatment of any sort, I have a lot of questions.

 

[ShatteredMind]

https://www.youtube.com/c/DrDanielFox/videos
Dr fox knows his stuff on BPD i have been watching his stuff for a while now he is an expert on BPD and other personality disorders he explains thing calmly and understandably i hope its ok to share this link

 

[Aurelia]

https://www.youtube.com/c/DrDanielFox/videos
Dr fox knows his stuff on BPD i have been watching his stuff for a while now he is an expert on BPD and other personality disorders he explains thing calmly and understandably i hope its ok to share this link

Sorry, but this dude annoys me. I took a glance at his page and my first impression was that he's the type who thinks he fucking knows it all, when in reality, he knows very little, except for what he's read in his little college textbooks about it.

 

[ShatteredMind]

Sorry, but this dude annoys me. I took a glance at his page and my first impression was that he's the type who thinks he fucking knows it all, when in reality, he knows very little, except for what he's read in his little college textbooks about it.

Do you have any suggestions that know more than dr fox ? That explains BPD better ?

 

[Aurelia]

Do you have any suggestions that know more than dr fox ? That explains BPD better ?

Just do your own research about it (credible scientific sources/research studies) and learn to rely on your own experiences, your own self-awareness. That taught me a lot more than some shit doctor ever did.

 

[ShatteredMind]

Wow, and i though here was supportive ?

 

[Butterfly]

Please lets not fall out and be unsupportive to one another. Something that helps one person, may not help another. There is not a one size fits all approach to dealing with BPD/EUPD.

 

[may71]

As someone who cannot afford diagnosis or treatment of any sort, I have a lot of questions

You may be eligible for benefits that would give you free treatment.

There may also be some other sources of free treatment not related to government benefits.

I hope something can help.

 

[Aurelia]

My BPD definitely got the best of me today. It's crazy how quickly my mood will just do a complete 180. It was mainly because I ran out of my benzos, though, because when my husband and I were together, he always took half of my script for himself. So naturally, I ran out about 2 weeks early, and benzo withdrawal in combination with my BPD makes me go from normal and content one minute (I would even say somewhat happy) to absolutely fucking miserable. I thought that I finally started winning against this fucked up disorder. A lot of my symptoms, compared to when I was first diagnosed at 19 (I'm 32 now), have subsided quite a bit. I'm not longer suicidal, for one thing...despite even the break-up with my husband, which would make most people with BPD go into a suicidal tailspin. But I'm actually okay for the most part, and dealing with it, and still trying to live my life. I'm no longer trying to get high to escape my emotions, especially without my husband constantly triggering me. I haven't self-harmed for a long time. And I'm getting better with a lot of my insecurities....but the fucking mood swings, like, I don't know...I just can't sometimes. They still really get to me. Granted, like I said, this was also partially due to the lack of my medication, but it's still just too fucking much. And then when I do suddenly feel miserable as fuck, I'm inside my head, thinking way too much, and get confused as fuck about what my "real" feelings are about things. Like, for example, this new guy I've been seeing, do I really like and care about him or this just my BPD because I'm afraid of being alone and miserable and impulsively chasing that exciting "rush" of a new relationship? And do I even know who the hell I am without someone else helping to validate my worth? I don't know, it's like...some things seem to have gotten better and other things don't seem to be changing. And if I do really care about this guy, how the hell do I make sure that I don't make the same mistakes I've made in my previous relationship? How do I make sure that I don't fuck up a good thing by being...well, me. He doesn't even know I have BPD. I didn't want to tell him because I was afraid it might scare him off. I don't know, like, I've always been open about it with people, but that never seems to end well, so I thought maybe it would be best if he just doesn't know. But then if my symptoms start to manifest, he's going to figure it out anyway. Well, maybe not necessarily the BPD part, but definitely that something is wrong with my fucking brain. I don't fucking know, I'm just talking a bunch of shit that might not even make sense at this point.

 

[Dinolaur]

My BPD definitely got the best of me today. It's crazy how quickly my mood will just do a complete 180. It was mainly because I ran out of my benzos, though, because when my husband and I were together, he always took half of my script for himself. So naturally, I ran out about 2 weeks early, and benzo withdrawal in combination with my BPD makes me go from normal and content one minute (I would even say somewhat happy) to absolutely fucking miserable. I thought that I finally started winning against this fucked up disorder. A lot of my symptoms, compared to when I was first diagnosed at 19 (I'm 32 now), have subsided quite a bit. I'm not longer suicidal, for one thing...despite even the break-up with my husband, which would make most people with BPD go into a suicidal tailspin. But I'm actually okay for the most part, and dealing with it, and still trying to live my life. I'm no longer trying to get high to escape my emotions, especially without my husband constantly triggering me. I haven't self-harmed for a long time. And I'm getting better with a lot of my insecurities....but the fucking mood swings, like, I don't know...I just can't sometimes. They still really get to me. Granted, like I said, this was also partially due to the lack of my medication, but it's still just too fucking much. And then when I do suddenly feel miserable as fuck, I'm inside my head, thinking way too much, and get confused as fuck about what my "real" feelings are about things. Like, for example, this new guy I've been seeing, do I really like and care about him or this just my BPD because I'm afraid of being alone and miserable and impulsively chasing that exciting "rush" of a new relationship? And do I even know who the hell I am without someone else helping to validate my worth? I don't know, it's like...some things seem to have gotten better and other things don't seem to be changing. And if I do really care about this guy, how the hell do I make sure that I don't make the same mistakes I've made in my previous relationship? How do I make sure that I don't fuck up a good thing by being...well, me. He doesn't even know I have BPD. I didn't want to tell him because I was afraid it might scare him off. I don't know, like, I've always been open about it with people, but that never seems to end well, so I thought maybe it would be best if he just doesn't know. But then if my symptoms start to manifest, he's going to figure it out anyway. Well, maybe not necessarily the BPD part, but definitely that something is wrong with my fucking brain. I don't fucking know, I'm just talking a bunch of shit that might not even make sense at this point.

Hi @Aurelia thanks for writing down your feelings you’re amazing for just doing that!
This new guy, how new is it? Is he a nice guy? I personally believe that honesty is best policy! He will eventually work out that there’s some thing up. He might be really understanding with it. Maybe he has demons himself. If you like him a lot you should have the conversation with him when you’re ready to. Right now I don’t think you are ready, but when you’re in a good headspace, sit down and talk to him. It’s not like you’re not medicated for it you might find that he’s really understanding but it could also go the other way. But it is the 20th century and almost everyone has some kind of mental health baggage. I know I sure as hell do. I know my fiancé does. My inbox is always open if you wanna chat more privately

 

[Innocent Forever]

@Aurelia maybe researching attachment styles some more - I say more because knowing you, you have done a lot! I'd be curious to know if Lane Moore's book is any good.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

I feel really stupid about this, but I can't help how I feel. My therapist thinks there's really nothing left for her to teach me, and she recommends that I go on to group therapy at another facility. I can't help but feel abandoned, even though I know that's not logical. It might be harder for me to discuss my feelings in front of multiple people. And I feel I still need her guidance, as I still become suicidal.

 

[Aurelia]

I feel really stupid about this, but I can't help how I feel. My therapist thinks there's really nothing left for her to teach me, and she recommends that I go on to group therapy at another facility. I can't help but feel abandoned, even though I know that's not logical. It might be harder for me to discuss my feelings in front of multiple people. And I feel I still need her guidance, as I still become suicidal.

Mine recommended the same thing a few months ago and I felt the same way. Not abandoned, per se, but I felt like I still definitely had some serious issues that she just refused to see or believe me about. But on the other hand, I realized that group therapy can help me strengthen my social skills, so there's that. And this past time that I've seen her, I told her my husband and I were separated and she was like, "See, I told you that you were going to be okay. I saw that something changed in you and it's like you've grown right before my eyes. I'm honestly extremely proud of you." So I realized, I guess, that it' not because she thought my life was perfect all of a sudden, but more so that she knew regardless of what happened, I could handle it without going on a drug binder or doing anything else stupid. And she was right in that sense.