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BPD Support Thread
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
Yeah I’m recently diagnosed and really worried about trying to get help since reading up on BPD. It seems like there’s a lot of stigma even with professionals. I really want help but I have extremely high rejection sensitivity and am so scared of being turned away or referred to someone else again. It makes me feel like there’s no way to help me. Thanks for the resources though. Maybe I’ll spend some time looking through before I decide anything definitive.
I bitch about all kinds of shit on SF, but that's mainly because there's no one in real life to do it to who would give much of a shit. Or they would say they do, but their response would nevertheless be nothing more than a "get over it". Hence, I don't even bother talking outside of this forum about much.
I do feel bad complaining about being alone when I do have a few people irl. But as I've said, they're both in MS rn, and that's barely irl until they get back. Which could be tomorrow, or could be a few years. I can't leave the country for long, as I'm on provincial disability support, and wasn't approved for it. I could get a new case worker, but it's such a hassle. Anyway, yeah. They're both in Mississippi. My brother is visiting Wales for a while. And my mom is pissed that I stole from her and won't take my calls.
Only person I have in my life, in person, is my roommate, who is.... a useful distraction AT BEST, and just another inconvenience most times.
So most people I talk to are here. And beyond may, he responds to all my posts, and the occasional other responses, and then witty and you, this thread is the only interaction with others I do get regularly here.
Only person I have in my life, in person, is my roommate, who is.... a useful distraction AT BEST, and just another inconvenience most times.
So most people I talk to are here. And beyond may, he responds to all my posts, and the occasional other responses, and then witty and you, this thread is the only interaction with others I do get regularly here.
I wonder what it's like to have a really good day with someone and then not immediately believe they hate you after you both leave. Like... why is that normal and I don't get that? Sounds fucking awesome to not feel both abandoned and guilty for doubting someone at the same time because you're self aware that the feeling isn't real but no amount of intellectualization makes the feeling go away.
Most of the people I know seem to fall into a few categories. The first is "They know me when they need me for something". I helped you with your problems, now you don't know me until the next time you need help.
Then there's "You know me when you're bored out of your mind". A friend said we should watch a movie after a month of not even saying as much as a hello to me. You didn't check on me at all, even when I've been having a hard time, but now I'm supposed to entertain you on a whim? Fuck that noise.
Oh, and the people who are like "You know me because you need to take your shit out on me". A prime example of that would be my mother. And it could be about any damn topic unrelated to me. She said she saw a woman on YouTube talking about being fat and happy and eating what she wants, and my mom supported that. But God forbid I buy even one thing that's unhealthy, and I'm fucking eviscerated. All while she gets shitfaced every night.
Then there are the few people who genuinely do care for me, though I don't understand why, when so many others clearly see all of the bad in me.
Then there's "You know me when you're bored out of your mind". A friend said we should watch a movie after a month of not even saying as much as a hello to me. You didn't check on me at all, even when I've been having a hard time, but now I'm supposed to entertain you on a whim? Fuck that noise.
Oh, and the people who are like "You know me because you need to take your shit out on me". A prime example of that would be my mother. And it could be about any damn topic unrelated to me. She said she saw a woman on YouTube talking about being fat and happy and eating what she wants, and my mom supported that. But God forbid I buy even one thing that's unhealthy, and I'm fucking eviscerated. All while she gets shitfaced every night.
Then there are the few people who genuinely do care for me, though I don't understand why, when so many others clearly see all of the bad in me.
Don't feel bad for that, ever. You could be surrounded by fucking people and still feel alone because either (a) none of them matter in the end (and vice versa) or (b) you do care about them and/or they about you, but they absolutely suck when it comes to any kind of meaningful communication, listening, and validation. For me, its mostly the latter. I'm not exactly "alone" per se either, but it sure as fuck feels that way. Even when he and I were together, I could never talk to him about most things without feeling worse than I did originally, so still felt alone even then. It's not AS shitty when someone is physically there, but it can still be pretty damn shitty regardless, especially when they act like they don't care. Or if they're not physically around, even when they do generally care about you, you still feel fucking abandoned and alone because bottom line is they're not there. They're there, but still might as well have fallen off the face of the earth. At least, that's what it tends to feel like.
As for your other post, I totally feel that way too after going our separate ways temporarily, even after a good day or conversation. With BPD, everything is always "in the moment". When they're they're and everything is good, it feels good. But as soon as they walk away, or you hang up, etc., that void and anxiety and loneliness sets in again.
As for your other post, I totally feel that way too after going our separate ways temporarily, even after a good day or conversation. With BPD, everything is always "in the moment". When they're they're and everything is good, it feels good. But as soon as they walk away, or you hang up, etc., that void and anxiety and loneliness sets in again.
I don't mind helping people I care about, even when I'm not doing well. But yeah, at least ask and take an interest once in a while. Sometimes I get the feeling that because people are used to me being a certain way, and know that I'll most likely keep pushing forward regardless of how I feel, it means I'm fine. Like, my therapist for instance. I'm going through a world of hell right now and she insists that I'm doing well. Well, thanks for assessing and clearing that up for me...could have sworn I felt miserable last time I checked, but I'm glad I fake it well enough for you to think otherwise, I guess.