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BPD Support Thread
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
My mom is telling me she loves me and she's proud of me. I've never heard her say that before in my life that I can even recall. I almost feel like crying because that's all I ever wanted from her for so long.
It's okay if she doesn't like my hair color or how I dress at times. That's just little bullshit. The most important stuff is this, what she's now saying to me. I mean, I know I was kind of a fuck up before, but even as a kid, I don't remember her saying things like that. But maybe she matured in some ways too, just like I did, and realized that it's necessary to have her kids hear that...idk.
I'm just afraid of her showing affection and then taking it away when I let my guard down. But at the same time, I can't help but let my guard down because I WANT to believe that this is how it is. It's all I've ever wanted.
It's okay if she doesn't like my hair color or how I dress at times. That's just little bullshit. The most important stuff is this, what she's now saying to me. I mean, I know I was kind of a fuck up before, but even as a kid, I don't remember her saying things like that. But maybe she matured in some ways too, just like I did, and realized that it's necessary to have her kids hear that...idk.
I'm just afraid of her showing affection and then taking it away when I let my guard down. But at the same time, I can't help but let my guard down because I WANT to believe that this is how it is. It's all I've ever wanted.
Didn't Marsha have it?? I mean, I think she did. Also, I doubt I meet 5 of the criteria myself anymore. But, when I was younger, I opened a referral from my psychiatrist and it said "Severe BPD". Now, BPD isn't my main problem anymore, it's psychosis. Twenty years ago, I was in and out of hospital all the time. It was a life of constant crisis, CONSTANT. I'm sure others in this thread can relate to that! My point is, many (but not all) those with BPD do improve as they age. I mean, I'm genuinely surprised I'm still here, looking back at how sick I was. And yet, I still am!
When my husband and I started seeing each other I used to pretty much see anything as abandonment. I hated it if he was working on a certain day and I wasn’t, I used to freak out whenever he fell asleep before I did, I once told him he wasn’t sick when he cancelled plans with me and basically forced him to come and see me, all because I thought he was rejecting me. These are only a few examples, and I feel like an absolute prick for being that way (and still reacting that way sometimes even now) but there is a reason that we act this way and that’s bpd. It feels like a lame excuse but it IS an illness and it fucks us up, and it’s really hard not to but try not to beat yourself up.
Sorry, @Witty⭐️Sarcasm ⭐️. I didn't mean to invalidate anyone in my post. I was just trying to say, I was really terribly sick and that over the years, things (especially after my mid 30's) have gotten so much better. Does that mean everyone will, no! But recovery is possible. I hope to give some hope here!
It’s definitely gotten better for me over the years too, my teens and twenties were a bitch but I have seen an improvement in my thirties and added to that is the fact that I’m starting to get better help from mental health services now. Is it called “ageing out” or something like that? I think I’ve read that term somewhere before.
This sounds similar to how I am with my Dad so I can see why you’re afraid of letting your guard down. I’ve always wanted my Dad to be proud of me too and not look constantly disappointed with me or my life choices. Like you said, the little things aren’t important, I just want a bond with him but I feel like he’s not capable of it (and maybe I’m not either because there’s never been a bond there and I have no idea how to build one).