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sisyphus

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#1
I don't get along well with my family. My entire life I felt like they hated me. They have stopped and became "supportive", stopped the abuse (specially physical) bad everything.
But they never noticed I was depressed, they ignored all of my mental health issues and have always put me as lazy, useless and stuff. Supporting me by letting me off the domestic duties was something that I valued way too much, but the bad wording and the stereotype of lazy and useless grew. I never asked for them to help me, they decided to let me off because I was the first in the family to pursue and conquer my place at a university, and I did it by working way too hard, including the part where I do not have to pay a penny to study and yet, manage to be one of the better students there inside.

Yesterday, I relapsed and I attempted against my life again. They did not notice. I cried and sobbed for hours straight and had to get support from my friends (who all live in other town, the one where I go to the University - I have to go and return to other town EVERYDAY to study, it is kind of draining but I manage) via internet, and they almost went crazy.

Today, I woke up very late and didn't clean up the house early as it is expected I Saturdays. I woke up willing to do that but the judgments, attacks and hatred had already started. I am seen as a burden, since I can't do my part even on weekends. I do not tell them about Depression, about Social Anxiety, about Panic Attacks, the constant pain of Suicidal Ideation or the attempts themselves (like yesterday), because they will feel guilty. But by not telling it, I have to put myself in the position of listen to them and getting beaten up about my laziness and incapacity to amount to anything. And yet, I have to cover up all ground in weekends. I gave up social life to get academic duties and familiar ones done at the same time, so I don't mind not having a life on my own. But by getting caught up in doing everything I can't do during the week, my work from the University gets behind all the time, and I am about to fail one of my eight parallel classes, besides presiding a project that works beyond country's borders and the Student Representative Bureau of the University and being a researcher in National Program. I am desperate.

All of this situation dragged me back to the attempt of yesterday and I feel like giving up is the only way out of this. My body is collapsing, I'm always in and out heavy medication and drugs such as caffeine pills and heavy hormones to avoid sleeping and having to rest. But it is not enough for them, it is never enough, I do not know what to do. I feel useless, helpless and completely alone.
 

sisyphus

Active Member
#2
I don't get along well with my family. My entire life I felt like they hated me. They have stopped and became "supportive", stopped the abuse (specially physical) bad everything.
But they never noticed I was depressed, they ignored all of my mental health issues and have always put me as lazy, useless and stuff. Supporting me by letting me off the domestic duties was something that I valued way too much, but the bad wording and the stereotype of lazy and useless grew. I never asked for them to help me, they decided to let me off because I was the first in the family to pursue and conquer my place at a university, and I did it by working way too hard, including the part where I do not have to pay a penny to study and yet, manage to be one of the better students there inside.

Yesterday, I relapsed and I attempted against my life again. They did not notice. I cried and sobbed for hours straight and had to get support from my friends (who all live in other town, the one where I go to the University - I have to go and return to other town EVERYDAY to study, it is kind of draining but I manage) via internet, and they almost went crazy.

Today, I woke up very late and didn't clean up the house early as it is expected I Saturdays. I woke up willing to do that but the judgments, attacks and hatred had already started. I am seen as a burden, since I can't do my part even on weekends. I do not tell them about Depression, about Social Anxiety, about Panic Attacks, the constant pain of Suicidal Ideation or the attempts themselves (like yesterday), because they will feel guilty. But by not telling it, I have to put myself in the position of listen to them and getting beaten up about my laziness and incapacity to amount to anything. And yet, I have to cover up all ground in weekends. I gave up social life to get academic duties and familiar ones done at the same time, so I don't mind not having a life on my own. But by getting caught up in doing everything I can't do during the week, my work from the University gets behind all the time, and I am about to fail one of my eight parallel classes, besides presiding a project that works beyond country's borders and the Student Representative Bureau of the University and being a researcher in National Program. I am desperate.

All of this situation dragged me back to the attempt of yesterday and I feel like giving up is the only way out of this. My body is collapsing, I'm always in and out heavy medication and drugs such as caffeine pills and heavy hormones to avoid sleeping and having to rest. But it is not enough for them, it is never enough, I do not know what to do. I feel useless, helpless and completely alone.
Sorry for the bad grammar, I am crying way too much to concentrate and the words come out mumbled up and, since English is not my first language and I am learning all of it on my own, I got a lot of typos in the post and got the verbs wrong too... I deeply apologize
 

JmpMster

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#3
I do not tell them about Depression, about Social Anxiety, about Panic Attacks, the constant pain of Suicidal Ideation or the attempts themselves (like yesterday), because they will feel guilty. But by not telling it, I have to put myself in the position of listen to them and getting beaten up about my laziness and incapacity to amount to anything.

Sounds like your way of not telling has not worked out well for you , so perhaps is time to actually start communicating with them and talking to them ?
 

sisyphus

Active Member
#4
Sounds like your way of not telling has not worked out well for you , so perhaps is time to actually start communicating with them and talking to them ?
They will feel too bad... Because the origin of all of my mental health issues goes back to their abuse I went through as a child. It all came from there, and it is somehow related to them. Most of my attempts as a child (I started at 7 years old) and later, as a young teenager, were triggered by one of their abuse episodes. There have been many and many attempts, and get matured within time, being the only one effective of them the one I planned at 16, when I spent 4 months making arrangements and had even a set of videos explaining all of my reasons. I am now 19, being considered by some a young adult, and realizing what they did to me and how heavy is their part in me not having a life of my own even being almost two decades old would wreck them (so I believe, if they care at all)....
I would rather suffer than letting them know about it.
 

JmpMster

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#5
They will feel too bad... Because the origin of all of my mental health issues goes back to their abuse I went through as a child. It all came from there, and it is somehow related to them. Most of my attempts as a child (I started at 7 years old) and later, as a young teenager, were triggered by one of their abuse episodes. There have been many and many attempts, and get matured within time, being the only one effective of them the one I planned at 16, when I spent 4 months making arrangements and had even a set of videos explaining all of my reasons. I am now 19, being considered by some a young adult, and realizing what they did to me and how heavy is their part in me not having a life of my own even being almost two decades old would wreck them (so I believe, if they care at all)....
I would rather suffer than letting them know about it.
Yet you are upset they did not notice the attempt and apparently think they will not be upset by finding you dead from suicide and harbor greater guilt? When in an untenable situation eventually you have to change the situation. Unless you have resources to move and not have any family issues or responsibilities and can simply turn your back on them completely so reduce responsibilities outside of school there is only one way to get them to understand. I did not suggest you accuse them of being the cause of your suicide attempts and mental health issues- that is up to you- but discussing the actual issues currently happening is the only way left if you cannot move to make it change. That or continue to suffer and perhaps end up dead and leave that as their fault as well.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
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SF Supporter
#7
Sometimes families are not good about addressing issues such as mental health, money problems, health problems. Not everyone is equipped to be able to help a family member in need. It is not their fault nor isn't it yours.

Keep going to school and lay off the caffine pills. They will cause you to crash physically.

Time management is in dire need to help you balance all 3 lives. School, your down time and family/chores. Make a schedule and have time set aside for your main needs and wants.

Take Care
 

sisyphus

Active Member
#8
Unfortunately, from where I am I can't see how it would be possible to include social life/spare time when I don't even manage to find space for the other two attributes of my life... But yet I will try to schedule all of it to see if I can do it. Thank you for all of the suggestions...
 
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