I don't get along well with my family. My entire life I felt like they hated me. They have stopped and became "supportive", stopped the abuse (specially physical) bad everything.
But they never noticed I was depressed, they ignored all of my mental health issues and have always put me as lazy, useless and stuff. Supporting me by letting me off the domestic duties was something that I valued way too much, but the bad wording and the stereotype of lazy and useless grew. I never asked for them to help me, they decided to let me off because I was the first in the family to pursue and conquer my place at a university, and I did it by working way too hard, including the part where I do not have to pay a penny to study and yet, manage to be one of the better students there inside.
Yesterday, I relapsed and I attempted against my life again. They did not notice. I cried and sobbed for hours straight and had to get support from my friends (who all live in other town, the one where I go to the University - I have to go and return to other town EVERYDAY to study, it is kind of draining but I manage) via internet, and they almost went crazy.
Today, I woke up very late and didn't clean up the house early as it is expected I Saturdays. I woke up willing to do that but the judgments, attacks and hatred had already started. I am seen as a burden, since I can't do my part even on weekends. I do not tell them about Depression, about Social Anxiety, about Panic Attacks, the constant pain of Suicidal Ideation or the attempts themselves (like yesterday), because they will feel guilty. But by not telling it, I have to put myself in the position of listen to them and getting beaten up about my laziness and incapacity to amount to anything. And yet, I have to cover up all ground in weekends. I gave up social life to get academic duties and familiar ones done at the same time, so I don't mind not having a life on my own. But by getting caught up in doing everything I can't do during the week, my work from the University gets behind all the time, and I am about to fail one of my eight parallel classes, besides presiding a project that works beyond country's borders and the Student Representative Bureau of the University and being a researcher in National Program. I am desperate.
All of this situation dragged me back to the attempt of yesterday and I feel like giving up is the only way out of this. My body is collapsing, I'm always in and out heavy medication and drugs such as caffeine pills and heavy hormones to avoid sleeping and having to rest. But it is not enough for them, it is never enough, I do not know what to do. I feel useless, helpless and completely alone.
But they never noticed I was depressed, they ignored all of my mental health issues and have always put me as lazy, useless and stuff. Supporting me by letting me off the domestic duties was something that I valued way too much, but the bad wording and the stereotype of lazy and useless grew. I never asked for them to help me, they decided to let me off because I was the first in the family to pursue and conquer my place at a university, and I did it by working way too hard, including the part where I do not have to pay a penny to study and yet, manage to be one of the better students there inside.
Yesterday, I relapsed and I attempted against my life again. They did not notice. I cried and sobbed for hours straight and had to get support from my friends (who all live in other town, the one where I go to the University - I have to go and return to other town EVERYDAY to study, it is kind of draining but I manage) via internet, and they almost went crazy.
Today, I woke up very late and didn't clean up the house early as it is expected I Saturdays. I woke up willing to do that but the judgments, attacks and hatred had already started. I am seen as a burden, since I can't do my part even on weekends. I do not tell them about Depression, about Social Anxiety, about Panic Attacks, the constant pain of Suicidal Ideation or the attempts themselves (like yesterday), because they will feel guilty. But by not telling it, I have to put myself in the position of listen to them and getting beaten up about my laziness and incapacity to amount to anything. And yet, I have to cover up all ground in weekends. I gave up social life to get academic duties and familiar ones done at the same time, so I don't mind not having a life on my own. But by getting caught up in doing everything I can't do during the week, my work from the University gets behind all the time, and I am about to fail one of my eight parallel classes, besides presiding a project that works beyond country's borders and the Student Representative Bureau of the University and being a researcher in National Program. I am desperate.
All of this situation dragged me back to the attempt of yesterday and I feel like giving up is the only way out of this. My body is collapsing, I'm always in and out heavy medication and drugs such as caffeine pills and heavy hormones to avoid sleeping and having to rest. But it is not enough for them, it is never enough, I do not know what to do. I feel useless, helpless and completely alone.
