Finally putting an end to it all

[HappilyEverAfter]

I'm a 19 y/o girl. I've been feeling very suicidal lately, and last Friday (so two days ago) I made an attempt. I'm inpatient at a psychiatric ward right now, but I think they'll let me out tomorrow.

My eating disorder is getting worse and I don't see myself recovering, I can see everything getting darker and I know that everybody who cares about me are hurting, too. It makes me feel like everyone would just be better off if I was dead.

I think I need someone to talk to. I think I might do it very soon, I don't trust myself when I'm outside and I've planned everything. Would anyone want to talk?

 

[Brian777]

Hey there, I'm sorry you're in such a low place. Life can be very difficult and scary, but it can change for the better.
Have you told anyone at the inpatient place how you are feeling, maybe staying there a little longer would be best.
It also sounds like you have people who care about you and they would be devastated if you weren't around. I know it looks like it will never get better, but it can. I've been in that dark place many times and eventually it passes. Hold onto hope and keep getting help.
Hugs
Brian

 

[Petal]

Hi there, If you do not trust yourself getting outside the psychiatric hospital, then do not leave make sure they know how you feel. I am sorry things are so hard for you right now. Are there any nurses on duty that you feel you could approach and let the know how you feel about leaving, they are there to help you. I can imagine how you are feeling and I feel that it's not a place of happiness or comfort. Please get help from the staff there and as I said do not leave or sign yourself out unless you genuinely feel that you will not harm yourself. Keep talking too us.

 

[-Zara-]

Hey, I am so sorry that this is all happening to you. Remember that you can fight this and go trough all this without giving up. If you need someone to talk to I am here <3

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

Hey there, I'm sorry you're in such a low place. Life can be very difficult and scary, but it can change for the better.
Have you told anyone at the inpatient place how you are feeling, maybe staying there a little longer would be best.
It also sounds like you have people who care about you and they would be devastated if you weren't around. I know it looks like it will never get better, but it can. I've been in that dark place many times and eventually it passes. Hold onto hope and keep getting help.
Hugs
Brian

Thank you Brian.

I think I'll stay here a bit longer. I'm gonna tell the staff how I feel.

Hi there, If you do not trust yourself getting outside the psychiatric hospital, then do not leave make sure they know how you feel. I am sorry things are so hard for you right now. Are there any nurses on duty that you feel you could approach and let the know how you feel about leaving, they are there to help you. I can imagine how you are feeling and I feel that it's not a place of happiness or comfort. Please get help from the staff there and as I said do not leave or sign yourself out unless you genuinely feel that you will not harm yourself. Keep talking too us.

I talked to a nurse and told her about my thoughts and plans, and she said that they will not let me leave as long as I don't feel safe, so that felt good to hear.

I'm gonna talk to the doctor tomorrow and we'll see how things goes, but I'll probably stay here a bit longer.

Hey, I am so sorry that this is all happening to you. Remember that you can fight this and go trough all this without giving up. If you need someone to talk to I am here <3

Thank you so much Zara, I'm here for you too. <3

 

[Struggling along]

Hey, glad you're in a safe place now, I had eating disorders at your age and they were rough, if ever you need to speak to someone I'm here for you xx

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

Hey, glad you're in a safe place now, I had eating disorders at your age and they were rough, if ever you need to speak to someone I'm here for you xx

Thank you! I'm here for you too <3

 

[Struggling along]

Thank you, that means a lot

 

[SuZQ]

I am so sorry. Keep reaching out! I struggled with an eating disorder for years and want to encourage you that there is HOPE! I thought I would never go ONE day without binging and purging. Just know that through counseling, faith, and friends and family who loved me through it, I am better! You are wonderfully and beautifully made...please hear this and try to believe that it is true, because it is! Praying for you today.

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

I am so sorry. Keep reaching out! I struggled with an eating disorder for years and want to encourage you that there is HOPE! I thought I would never go ONE day without binging and purging. Just know that through counseling, faith, and friends and family who loved me through it, I am better! You are wonderfully and beautifully made...please hear this and try to believe that it is true, because it is! Praying for you today.

Thank you!

 

[Moon_Penguin]

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm sorry you have to stay, but they can help you. I'm glad you made th decision to stay for the help. You are a valued member here. We are all rooting for your recovery! Keep us updated and talk to us when u feel then need to. We are all here out of love x

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm sorry you have to stay, but they can help you. I'm glad you made th decision to stay for the help. You are a valued member here. We are all rooting for your recovery! Keep us updated and talk to us when u feel then need to. We are all here out of love x

Thank you so much!

I have a diary here which I'm planning on updating whenever I can. Is it okay to update what's happening in this thread as well or would such writing be considered diary-content only?

By the way, I love your avatar (off-topic I know, haha)!

 

[Moon_Penguin]

Thank you so much!

I have a diary here which I'm planning on updating whenever I can. Is it okay to update what's happening in this thread as well or would such writing be considered diary-content only?

By the way, I love your avatar (off-topic I know, haha)!

Post in which ever you prefer. I'll keep and eye out for both.
Also thanks, it's from a kids show called 'invader zim'. Sadly cancelled but it was awesome!

 

[GraceGreene]

Hi there. Firstly, I can strongly empathise with you. I have an eating disorder and have been on a psych ward three times in the last ten months. The first ever time was when I was 19 too. I understand the amount of stress and pain that
you're going through in theory, although I know that everyone has unique circumstances.

I would really try to think about staying a few days more until things settle down. There's no rush and you do not owe any explanations. Maybe find a member of staff you connect with & let them know what's going on by asking for a private chat. Maybe think of how to simply and clearly express your concerns about discharge and managing after this admission. You can do it!

The suicidal feelings aren't going to disappear just yet, but that's okay. Take it literally an hour at a time and you will make it through (even if you feel like you don't want to right now). And the less pressure you put on yourself regarding the ED, the better. In a very subversive way, it is a coping mechanism right now (I am not condoning EDs, this is just an observation from experience). Recovery will be there when you are feeling better. Attempting ED recovery or even just changing habits in the wake of an attempt tends not to work and can cause even more hassle. Try to ingest at least something and stay hydrated.

The world definitely wouldn't be better without you. Make your strength and beauty your mantra.

I really hope you find some solace. All the very best.


Grace

 

[Innocent Forever]

You can update wherever you want....
I'm glad you're still here. It takes courage and strength to go and do what you've been doing

 

[SuZQ]

Thinking of and praying for you today!

 

[Thauoy]

I feel sorry for what you are going through. Just think that someone does care about the hurt you feel. Just remember you are important and please be safe. Please keep posted and share your feelings. I wish I could help you. But don't know how to advise or console you. Best wishes and hugs.

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

Hi there. Firstly, I can strongly empathise with you. I have an eating disorder and have been on a psych ward three times in the last ten months. The first ever time was when I was 19 too. I understand the amount of stress and pain that
you're going through in theory, although I know that everyone has unique circumstances.

I would really try to think about staying a few days more until things settle down. There's no rush and you do not owe any explanations. Maybe find a member of staff you connect with & let them know what's going on by asking for a private chat. Maybe think of how to simply and clearly express your concerns about discharge and managing after this admission. You can do it!

The suicidal feelings aren't going to disappear just yet, but that's okay. Take it literally an hour at a time and you will make it through (even if you feel like you don't want to right now). And the less pressure you put on yourself regarding the ED, the better. In a very subversive way, it is a coping mechanism right now (I am not condoning EDs, this is just an observation from experience). Recovery will be there when you are feeling better. Attempting ED recovery or even just changing habits in the wake of an attempt tends not to work and can cause even more hassle. Try to ingest at least something and stay hydrated.

The world definitely wouldn't be better without you. Make your strength and beauty your mantra.

I really hope you find some solace. All the very best.


Grace

Thank you for your words!

I'm still inpatient, and feeling a bit better now, maybe not about the dark thoughts but at least I'm not contemplating whether to discharge myself every day. I feel like the ED is taking a lot from me at the time, but I guess just staying alive is good enough at this point. At least I'm getting through each day.

Also, something that brightens everything up a bit - there's this really kind guy who works here, he's new, and I have so much fun with him but we can also talk about serious stuff and I can see that he really cares when I share things with him. He's everything I'd ever look for in a staff.

You can update wherever you want....
I'm glad you're still here. It takes courage and strength to go and do what you've been doing

I see. Thank you, still pushing through!

Thinking of and praying for you today!

Thank you!

I feel sorry for what you are going through. Just think that someone does care about the hurt you feel. Just remember you are important and please be safe. Please keep posted and share your feelings. I wish I could help you. But don't know how to advise or console you. Best wishes and hugs.

Thank you!

I know that a lot of people care about me and I guess that makes me very lucky as not all people have others who cares about them, but at this point, it just makes me feel even more like a burden and it stresses me a lot, knowing that it would hurt so much for them if I decided to end it all. But maybe that's a good thing - if I didn't have people who cared about me, I don't think I'd keep fighting like I am now.

Just by letting me know that you're listening and that you actually took the time to write the message you wrote helps me, it feels good to know that you care and that you're here for me - a lot of times, a friend who isn't in 3d can be a good thing and you're able to talk more openly about your inner thoughts and feelings without feeling like... I don't know, but it's harder with friends in 3d, you know?

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

I've been a mess for the last couple of days. I've been doing some stupid things, and being where I am (inpatient) have probably saved my life. I don't know how I feel about that.

The doctor told me that if everything went smoothly today, I'd be able to go outside tomorrow, and now it's 9:32pm so I'm pretty confident that nothing will happen for the rest of the day, and that I'll go outside tomorrow as planned. It feels good, especially since it's summer and it's getting warmer, I don't want to be stuck in the hospital all summer.

The thoughts are consistent. I know that when I step outside, the thoughts will start racing, and inside I'll ask myself, "is it time?". I'm slightly worried that the urge to do something stupid will be too strong once I'm outside, but I don't think that I really have to worry that much - if anything does happen, I'll be just outside the hospital (literally - there's a small forest right outside which I'm planning on going to with a friend) and will be able to get back there quickly, and my friend is "prepared" and knows what to do if anything happens. And if I'm strong enough tomorrow, and if I feel like the bad thoughts are too much, I can tell my friend and we'll be able to go back before anything happens. But sometimes, I keep quiet, because the urge to do something, knowing that you have the opportunity, is stronger than the will to do the right thing. It's hard.

I'll keep you updated on how tomorrow goes, and thank you all so much for your kind messages, it really means a lot!

 

[Innocent Forever]

Good luck! Sending hugs your way