Finally putting an end to it all

[Moon_Penguin]

Sounds like your making great progress! Don't expect things to go over night. Healing emotional wounds takes alot of time an effort, especially if they haven't been addressed before.

 

[GraceGreene]

Thank you for your words!

I'm still inpatient, and feeling a bit better now, maybe not about the dark thoughts but at least I'm not contemplating whether to discharge myself every day. I feel like the ED is taking a lot from me at the time, but I guess just staying alive is good enough at this point. At least I'm getting through each day.

Also, something that brightens everything up a bit - there's this really kind guy who works here, he's new, and I have so much fun with him but we can also talk about serious stuff and I can see that he really cares when I share things with him. He's everything I'd ever look for in a staff.



I see. Thank you, still pushing through!



Thank you!



Thank you!

I know that a lot of people care about me and I guess that makes me very lucky as not all people have others who cares about them, but at this point, it just makes me feel even more like a burden and it stresses me a lot, knowing that it would hurt so much for them if I decided to end it all. But maybe that's a good thing - if I didn't have people who cared about me, I don't think I'd keep fighting like I am now.

Just by letting me know that you're listening and that you actually took the time to write the message you wrote helps me, it feels good to know that you care and that you're here for me - a lot of times, a friend who isn't in 3d can be a good thing and you're able to talk more openly about your inner thoughts and feelings without feeling like... I don't know, but it's harder with friends in 3d, you know?

Thank you for your words!

I'm still inpatient, and feeling a bit better now, maybe not about the dark thoughts but at least I'm not contemplating whether to discharge myself every day. I feel like the ED is taking a lot from me at the time, but I guess just staying alive is good enough at this point. At least I'm getting through each day.

Also, something that brightens everything up a bit - there's this really kind guy who works here, he's new, and I have so much fun with him but we can also talk about serious stuff and I can see that he really cares when I share things with him. He's everything I'd ever look for in a staff.



I see. Thank you, still pushing through!



Thank you!



Thank you!

I know that a lot of people care about me and I guess that makes me very lucky as not all people have others who cares about them, but at this point, it just makes me feel even more like a burden and it stresses me a lot, knowing that it would hurt so much for them if I decided to end it all. But maybe that's a good thing - if I didn't have people who cared about me, I don't think I'd keep fighting like I am now.

Just by letting me know that you're listening and that you actually took the time to write the message you wrote helps me, it feels good to know that you care and that you're here for me - a lot of times, a friend who isn't in 3d can be a good thing and you're able to talk more openly about your inner thoughts and feelings without feeling like... I don't know, but it's harder with friends in 3d, you know?

I am so happy to hear that you connect with someone while you're there. That can make a colossal difference. Keep doing what you're doing. The ED will try its hardest to stick around but like you said, just stay alive and things will improve.

Best wishes!

Grace.

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

Good luck! Sending hugs your way

Thank you! It really means a lot. A hug would be exactly what I need at this point.

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

Sounds like your making great progress! Don't expect things to go over night. Healing emotional wounds takes alot of time an effort, especially if they haven't been addressed before.

Thank you!

I'm lucky to have such an understanding doctor. He knows the importance of me getting outside of these walls, that I need to see the rest of the world in order to make progress, to want to make progress. Like, if I'm stuck here all the time, it's as if there is nothing to go back to, you know what I mean?

I've begun talking to the staff about some emotional wounds that I haven't talked about or even touched for years and years. I'm 'only' 20 years old, but I have wounds that happened like 8 years ago that are still hurting that I haven't talked to anyone about. I guess it's time although it's painful and scary, I don't know how I'll be able to live on otherwise.

 

[HappilyEverAfter]

Things aren't going my way. I've realized a few things, and it isn't good stuff.

I've realized that I'm content with what I've achieved and experienced in my life.
People seem to always want more. They tell me, things will get better and you'll have good times again some day. They want me to look forward to that, and yes, of course I wouldn't mind being happy again, but at the same time, it doesn't bother me to think that I won't and that it'll all end here - I'm happy with the good times I've had this far, I don't need more. It scares me, in a way.

When I've been sad and suicidal in the past, I've always felt the curiosity to see what lies ahead, what I can learn and get to see further in life. Now, I don't feel that way anymore. Before, it has always kept me going in a way, the feeling that I'm not really done with life, that if I were happy, I'd happily live on. Now? I might as well die.

I feel like people always want more, they're never satisfied. Why? Why can't the people around me just say 'it was a pleasure getting to know you and we have a lot of good memories together, but it's okay if this is all it'll be'. They want me to live on, they want more time with me, even though I feel like I've given them more in my 20 years than some people do in a lifetime. And if I don't want to give them more, who are they to force me? It's not that I don't want to give them more, or that I don't want to have more happy memories with the people I love, but it's just that I don't feel the eagerness to do so. There's no 'wait, I want to do this before I die', there's no 'I'm not done with life'-feeling. I'm content with what I've had so far and I'm okay with it being the end of things.

I know that people don't agree with me, they'll say 'but you have so many things left to do' - I haven't had a boyfriend, haven't had kids, haven't had a job, haven't learned all the languages I want to learn, haven't been to all the places I'd like to go, but that's okay. Death is still more appealing to me than life and experiencing those things. I wish it wasn't so, but that's the truth.

I've never felt this done with life, never felt this ready to die.

 

[Innocent Forever]

View attachment 2870
We're with you always

 

[SuZQ]

How are you doing today? Praying for you!