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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Thank you @seabird, I did relax and dozed off for a bit. I hope you are as okay as can be when you read this 
That's good to hear. I am feeling anxious. But I'm grateful at the moment for it not being any worse.
Like Im so surrounded with "idgaf" people, like I just finish probation and keeping the job, they be like "job is just a job, be good at what you do.." the only one thats quite happy for me is my psychiatry lmao he be like "you are waking up early and earning."
But seriously, it does get annoying when meeting them and they be like "such as...?" I aint no repeating myself. And I bet no one cares if I quit either, why bother updating my whereabouts and my status.🤷♀️
But seriously, it does get annoying when meeting them and they be like "such as...?" I aint no repeating myself. And I bet no one cares if I quit either, why bother updating my whereabouts and my status.🤷♀️
Getting anxious about the weekend, just not feeling very safe at the moment. Im really struggling as my situation in terms of my mental health is a bit like my ex friends situation with there mental health several years ago. The difference being is that i stuck by them and supported them throw it, where they dont believe me in terms of my head problems and have left me without support.
I so badly want to send the letter I have written explaining my state of psychosis to my wife- but I am self aware enough to recognize that she has asked for space, and to send the letter is to overexplain myself (another OCD compulsion). I am working so hard to break myself free of the ruminating and delusions but it's so hard. My brain is fighting against me, and clearly wants to stay sick. 
I so badly want to send the letter I have written explaining my state of psychosis to my wife- but I am self aware enough to recognize that she has asked for space, and to send the letter is to overexplain myself (another OCD compulsion). I am working so hard to break myself free of the ruminating and delusions but it's so hard. My brain is fighting against me, and clearly wants to stay sick.
I usually have a email up on the computer for ages and then get myself into a state over a period of days and then just click send and say 'fuck it'.
Your situation seems very fresh, as in the last few weeks. You might be better waiting X amount of time before sending the letter. I know its really difficult to judge these things due to lots of variables and emotions.
Or you could say 'fuck it' and think, will this make things any worse?
Sorry if im not much help.
I feel simultaneously blissful and desperate. Doesn’t make sense to me, but when did my emotions ever make sense?
I was in an enormous amount of pain last night. The thought that I have lost my favorite person in the world 8.5 years ago keeps occurring to me. It brings tears every single time. Not a big cry, but enough to make me reach for a handkerchief. Last night I was sobbing hard, though.
The flip side there is that somehow, without intending to, I transcended my pain. I don’t think that’s the right word, but it’s the closest in my vocabulary. The experience was that I was aware of my hurting self, and also aware of a larger flow that is truly one big, undifferentiated “happening.” Not within time and space, but rather, space-time are features of the happening.
So, that was my Thursday night. Time to start laundry and get ready for an embarrassing doctor appointment.
I was in an enormous amount of pain last night. The thought that I have lost my favorite person in the world 8.5 years ago keeps occurring to me. It brings tears every single time. Not a big cry, but enough to make me reach for a handkerchief. Last night I was sobbing hard, though.
The flip side there is that somehow, without intending to, I transcended my pain. I don’t think that’s the right word, but it’s the closest in my vocabulary. The experience was that I was aware of my hurting self, and also aware of a larger flow that is truly one big, undifferentiated “happening.” Not within time and space, but rather, space-time are features of the happening.
In philosophy and a number of spiritual traditions there is an idea that we have a relative, or dualistic reality, where every attribute that can be known is only known by the simultaneous presence of its opposite. Light/dark, happy/sad, ecstasy/agony are a few examples. This is the way things appear, and it is the symbolic representation of the world boiled down to what we need to do to survive and reproduce.
Then, there is “ultimate” reality, which is the true nature of our universe before our human minds chop it up into perceptions.
The strange thing is that I was simultaneously aware of my relative despair and my ultimate integration with the whole flow of the universe, without beginning or end… not because the universe exists within linear time and simply extends to infinity from the past into the future, but rather that the dimensions that we think are real, are themselves dualistic concepts, therefore they are perceptions that aid us in propagation of the species, but have no ultimate meaning.
I had read about this before, but this is the first time I’ve experienced it, and it felt like, “oh holy sh*t! So that’s what all those people meant. The Buddhists talk about “emptiness” very frequently. I never really understood/connected with it, because I couldn’t see beyond my perceptions. Last night was not the first time I had connected with ultimate reality, but it was the first time I was simultaneously aware of my relative existence and the ultimate flow of reality.
The punchline is that the concepts of birth and death are necessarily relative attributes. The ultimate flow is without birth and death because nothing is born and nothing dies, in the sense that there is no separation between events within the ultimate happening. Kind of hard to explain in words. You pretty much have to be there to understand.
Then, there is “ultimate” reality, which is the true nature of our universe before our human minds chop it up into perceptions.
The strange thing is that I was simultaneously aware of my relative despair and my ultimate integration with the whole flow of the universe, without beginning or end… not because the universe exists within linear time and simply extends to infinity from the past into the future, but rather that the dimensions that we think are real, are themselves dualistic concepts, therefore they are perceptions that aid us in propagation of the species, but have no ultimate meaning.
I had read about this before, but this is the first time I’ve experienced it, and it felt like, “oh holy sh*t! So that’s what all those people meant. The Buddhists talk about “emptiness” very frequently. I never really understood/connected with it, because I couldn’t see beyond my perceptions. Last night was not the first time I had connected with ultimate reality, but it was the first time I was simultaneously aware of my relative existence and the ultimate flow of reality.
The punchline is that the concepts of birth and death are necessarily relative attributes. The ultimate flow is without birth and death because nothing is born and nothing dies, in the sense that there is no separation between events within the ultimate happening. Kind of hard to explain in words. You pretty much have to be there to understand.
Feeling like I need a double espresso. I don't want to kickstart thinking, but rather the opposite, doing. 3 artworks are waiting to be completed, they feel I'm neglecting them.
I am still deeply sad. I know I'm tired from fighting against missing someone to whom, technically, I'm still married.
I'm also sad about last week's floods wrecking things in NSW. I can't find out if some of my favourite places were inundated and ruined or not.
I am still deeply sad. I know I'm tired from fighting against missing someone to whom, technically, I'm still married.
I'm also sad about last week's floods wrecking things in NSW. I can't find out if some of my favourite places were inundated and ruined or not.
I so badly want to send the letter I have written explaining my state of psychosis to my wife- but I am self aware enough to recognize that she has asked for space, and to send the letter is to overexplain myself (another OCD compulsion). I am working so hard to break myself free of the ruminating and delusions but it's so hard. My brain is fighting against me, and clearly wants to stay sick.
