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I don't quite know what is wrong

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Throughout my life, I've been Depressed, Suicidal, and diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety, Anorexia, and so on. I've always been really bad at asking for help and fairly resistant to the idea of going on medication (because of bad experiences being medicated too strongly when I was too young.)
Now, though, I'm finally at a place where I don't think I quite want to live like this anymore. But, I don't know what it is that's wrong or how to define it or how it would be diagnosed. I think the thought that it would just be aid to be 'nothing, that's how life is' terrifies me more than anything, else.

For a week at a time, maybe a few days, I'm ecstatic. Everything in life is wonderful, I love myself, my friends, my choices, and I am on Cloud 9. It's awesome.

Then it's gone. And for a week, sometimes two, I am so miserable that nothing in the world seems like it could ever been lovely or good or cause joy, ever again. I hate myself so much and can't feel anything beyond misery. I feel confined in my own existence and don't know when it will end.

And I've always said, well, I'm still productive, even when I'm miserable I force myself to do my work and what I have to do, I'm just hating everything, mostly myself, while I do it, and wishing I didn't exist.

When I'm sad, I think asking for help or medication or something would be futile, when I'm happy, I think that someone would laugh at me if I have a problem.
It's just so tiring to always be riding this wave up and down of joy and complete misery, and I think I finally want to let myself be happy.

And I guess that's what I'm asking; is this life or is there something wrong with me? I know my genetics and my life history are extremely stacked against me and I know that I want more than anything for it be the latter, for it be fixable. Maybe with medication or just anything.

What is this.


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Welcome to the forum and the SF family. Firstly, you have diagnosed with a lot of conditions which fine. You have joined a supportive group of people who suffer similar conditions. So please do not think you are alone today.

I am glad you have joined the forum as we can help you with these conditions on a day to day basis.

Yes, no doubt you find it very hard to deal with these conditions. Please don't take this the wrong way but you seem to suffering from self-esteem issues. In terms of one minute your on top of world like a kite flying and next time when you are down the kite falls to the floor.

I am sorry if I have offended in anyway but I'm trying to give a perspective of your life without trying to sound blunt on purpose. Yes, we the conditions you are suffering from you can get medication that will help you.

You must remember taking medication will help YOU to overcome the feelings you are currently experiencing. It will on average six weeks to kick in. I know its hard at this moment but the recommendation is that you create yourself a daily life timetable which you don't have to keep yo but helps in the way you live with your conditions but does not have a detrimental affect to your health.

Dealing with an eating disorder is very stressful and emotionally hurting. All I can suggest on that you try your best to eat well and seek some therapy about handling the condition

Yes, some days are going to be hard and others are easy. Remember life is never a straight road but it's has its twist and turns. If the road of the life was straight then the world would be a happier place.

Also please use the forum chat room to speak to others. You will be very welcomed by the others.

Just think there is someone in the world thinking of YOU and wants to share your pain. Please keep posting as we care about everyone in world who is hurting.

Your pain is our pain.


Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
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Sounds like a mood swing related thing is bothering you the most. The best person to answer your question is the psych doc even a psychologist if they're licensed to write scripts. Medication and learning the coping skills are the important things you can do for yourself but the medications are a double edged sword IMO. Anyhow good luck and hope you find the answers you're seeking sometime soon.


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I'm with @Carmenere I think what you describe sounds like typical bipolar. Only a doctor can tell you exactly what's going on after talking to you some more, you know? Medication is a good thing for many people and you're an adult now so you can opt to take it or not (and in what dosage, etc) so being too drugged isn't really a problem for you anymore. You're still very young and trying to get ahead in life so give yourself a chance at this world. Step out and take some risks and do yourself a favor. You've shown up here - at the suicide site - so your mind isn't going great places, right? Better to be in therapy or on meds or asking for some help than to be gone from the planet, right? You can do this.
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