Throughout my life, I've been Depressed, Suicidal, and diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety, Anorexia, and so on. I've always been really bad at asking for help and fairly resistant to the idea of going on medication (because of bad experiences being medicated too strongly when I was too young.)
Now, though, I'm finally at a place where I don't think I quite want to live like this anymore. But, I don't know what it is that's wrong or how to define it or how it would be diagnosed. I think the thought that it would just be aid to be 'nothing, that's how life is' terrifies me more than anything, else.
For a week at a time, maybe a few days, I'm ecstatic. Everything in life is wonderful, I love myself, my friends, my choices, and I am on Cloud 9. It's awesome.
Then it's gone. And for a week, sometimes two, I am so miserable that nothing in the world seems like it could ever been lovely or good or cause joy, ever again. I hate myself so much and can't feel anything beyond misery. I feel confined in my own existence and don't know when it will end.
And I've always said, well, I'm still productive, even when I'm miserable I force myself to do my work and what I have to do, I'm just hating everything, mostly myself, while I do it, and wishing I didn't exist.
When I'm sad, I think asking for help or medication or something would be futile, when I'm happy, I think that someone would laugh at me if I have a problem.
It's just so tiring to always be riding this wave up and down of joy and complete misery, and I think I finally want to let myself be happy.
And I guess that's what I'm asking; is this life or is there something wrong with me? I know my genetics and my life history are extremely stacked against me and I know that I want more than anything for it be the latter, for it be fixable. Maybe with medication or just anything.
What is this.
Now, though, I'm finally at a place where I don't think I quite want to live like this anymore. But, I don't know what it is that's wrong or how to define it or how it would be diagnosed. I think the thought that it would just be aid to be 'nothing, that's how life is' terrifies me more than anything, else.
For a week at a time, maybe a few days, I'm ecstatic. Everything in life is wonderful, I love myself, my friends, my choices, and I am on Cloud 9. It's awesome.
Then it's gone. And for a week, sometimes two, I am so miserable that nothing in the world seems like it could ever been lovely or good or cause joy, ever again. I hate myself so much and can't feel anything beyond misery. I feel confined in my own existence and don't know when it will end.
And I've always said, well, I'm still productive, even when I'm miserable I force myself to do my work and what I have to do, I'm just hating everything, mostly myself, while I do it, and wishing I didn't exist.
When I'm sad, I think asking for help or medication or something would be futile, when I'm happy, I think that someone would laugh at me if I have a problem.
It's just so tiring to always be riding this wave up and down of joy and complete misery, and I think I finally want to let myself be happy.
And I guess that's what I'm asking; is this life or is there something wrong with me? I know my genetics and my life history are extremely stacked against me and I know that I want more than anything for it be the latter, for it be fixable. Maybe with medication or just anything.
What is this.